Fretting Mother Alert

Ok I am officially a Fretty-Mum!
Among all the other things I have described myself as on this here blog, I am now fully admitting to having "frantic-Mummy" colly-wobbles! My baby girl has headed off today to her first festival!

There is a part of me that is totally envious. The first 'concert' I ever went to was at the age of about 13 to see Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel at a local venue, the crowd capacity a staggering 1800 (I don't think it was full...). Both my girls have been attending concerts of NEC and G-Mex proportions since the tender age of 5!

But now my baby girl has gone for 5 days of festival festivities with a crowd of her college friends to Reading!
I fear she is terribly ill-prepared but all advise, suggestions, prods and offers of assistance were firmly sneered at.... she knew it was going to be 'immense', she knew the toilets would be 'gross', she knew she would have to sleep on hard ground in the cold, she knew she would have to feed herself etc etc etc....

She is sensible and careful and trustworthy. She is not stupid or foolish. But jeezeroony! It has taken all of my 'cool-Mum' legendary status to let her calmly leave today and wish her a wonderful time!

Tonight it had rained heavily, it is now 9.30pm, I have not heard from her yet. I imagine her tired and wet and possibly hungry (if they haven't eaten all their supplies on the coach down there) and trying to get their tent put up in the dark.... She won't be home till Monday......I can see this feeling a very long fretty weekend!

That Tiny Glimmer

Thursday 5 August 2010 

I miss him. It has only been 5 days and I stupidly miss him. I check my phone and my emails even while knowing that he will not make contact, I categorically know that there will be no words and yet still I check. And when there is a text or mail I am still disappointed once open to see it is not from him. Even though in my heart I know it won’t be.

What is it about human nature that clings to the tiny atoms of hope? That however much you say to yourself that there is none, that you know there is none, that you have accepted there is none…that deep down in your subconscious there is that weenie glimmer, like a tiny spark in a burned out campfire, that with the smallest waft of a breeze can glow fiercely……well that is my hope…..

And my hope is tied into so many other things. Ok, we get through the next 57 days and we reach the fated day of Friday 1^st October, because we will, God willing there is little doubt of that. And what then? A few more wafts to reignite that tiny ember and then nothing…..because in my heart I also know that, that there really is no solution to any of this. That something has got to give, there is no happy ending.

Is it selfish to want a happy ending? Sometimes I think it is and that’s probably because the ending that would feel happy for me would be the ending that would cause deep sadness to others (therefore not happy at all as that in turn would hurt me still). Yet at other times it doesn’t feel selfish, because we would all heal, everyone of us touched by this would heal in time….and maybe things would feel happier by then….

There is no happy ending. If I get what I want others feel deep pain. If I don’t get what I want there is still deep pain. It’s mess, a dreadful mess.

I have tried so hard over recent months to move on from this. In the initial period I know I wallowed and clung, I was scared that if I got over him he wouldn’t come back to me, that if I wiped it all away I would forget it all and him. Over the last year I have tried to put it behind me.

The feelings I had for him, for us, for what we shared I stuck in a box, but the temptation at first to peep and peer in and poke about was immense. So I fitted it with a tight lid. But they seemed to effervesce every so often and blow the lid clean off! So out came the sticky tape and elastic bands, wrapped tightly over the lid to keep in place but gradually they have eroded the bottom of the box and seeped out and now all I seem to be left with is a nasty mess, not contained in the pretty box at all.

So when in 57 days time we meet and talk and smile and laugh (because we will, we always do, so totally maddeningly easily and comfortably) where will it leave things then?

When we met last time we kissed. It was the first time we have kissed for 21 months. I told my friend. She said how was it? And I said like coming home………

Day 5

I was chatting to a friend today, telling them about my impending visit to the marriage guidance counsellor tomorrow.....the self imposed period of no contact with 'K' (I guess after all this time I really ought to give him a name other that 'ex-lover', My Love and 'db' ~ so you can have his initial!)

My friend asked me among all the other soul searching bits if I remember being happy with hubby in the beginning. Of course I do I replied! "Would you marry 'K'?" came one of the next lines......Yes I said. "So you know him well then???"

And I thought about it a moment....

Yes I do, I know him, after not far off 4 years of contact, hours of conversation, thousands of written words and text messages and precious hours spent together, I know him as well if not better than I knew my husband after 9 months together when we bought our first home and then married him less than a year later!

Another query followed. "Where you as happy with 'K' as you were with hubby at the start?"

And I answered that with a line that is very telling...and I have pondered on much tonight.....
I answered,  Yes I was as happy, they are 2 different things, hubby and I were in a young love, inventing a life, a home, a wedding and babies. 'K' and I were a grown up relationship based on what I love now, who I am now......

And that perhaps says an awful lot.......

A Day of Surprises and Head Muddling

Hmmm such a long time since I blogged properly! Two reasons, one I have been having serious issues with my broadband and many times have been unable to log in properly, so forgive the lack of comments and responses on your own blogs, I have tried to catch up a little this morning......and secondly I have had a lot of stuff in my head but seem to have drawn a complete blank when considering putting it down in words...... Not usually a problem for me.....

So....where to begin. Well as one of my previous blogs stated I have turned 50, its an age that has struck dread in my heart for a couple of years or more, my bestest friend and I have marvelled at how fast the years have sped by to get us to this point, how the hell have our lives passed so quickly!
It wasn't as painful as I had dreaded and I can now actually say the number without stuttering, gagging or feeling faint, I am still me, still the same, still don't feel grown up enough to be thinking any of the stuff I have to deal with.

I wanted to write then that its a defining moment in your life when you think that to be considered middle-aged is incorrect, that to be literally in my mid-life would mean I would have to live to be 100.....a highly unlikely event! This sounds a little depressing and I nearly didn't write it but in fact I think it just makes my life feel more precious, the fact I know that I have fewer years left to live than I have lived means that I have to make them important, real, worthy and memorable! It doesn't feel like a downward slope more like a peaking of my world!

I have applied for a development role at work, a position in the Training department and I am currently waiting to hear if I have been successful. Its no major career move but I am quite proud that I have re-discovered my confidence enough to consider such stuff, there have been many months passed where I felt the stuffing had been so well and truly knocked out of me that I would never have it in me again to go-out-and-get! Its felt like a long process.

Anyway we will see, I shall hear this week and if successful it will mean that my part-time 3 days a week will come to an end while I complete the secondment and I shall be working full time with less time to waste, wallow and generally loiter in corners of my head and heart that I should avoid.

Now on the subject of my heart I have met my wonderful ex-love again. Since we met back at the end of April there has been pretty regular contact, nothing of mind blowing importance just gentle forays into each others world, emails a few days apart, funnies sent to make each other smile. I have wondered quite why and how he has suddenly been so comfortable with the contact that he once rejected and told me was unwelcome. For a woman whose glass is always half full I have a very negative thought pattern when it comes to my Love.....surely it must be that he has met me, realised he feels nothing for me at all now and feels comfortable simply being a buddy with me?......or maybe his life is so complete in his hard-worked-for-marriage that now contact doesnt touch him?.....or maybe he has had another huge deluge of guilt at how I was hurt and feels an obligation to keep my chin up??

So during these 'happy' email exchanges before my holiday in Portugal it went like this.......

He:  ...Forgot to tell you I have had a haircut. A proper one, will send pic when it is looking ok, currently looks bedheady :-S Can't be long till your hol. Sunshine soon :) x

Me:  ...a proper one? last time you told me that you'd had all of 2 " off lol :) x

He: .......as for haircut its traumatically shorter! :) x

Me: ........me too! I have been cropped today! I'll show you mine if you show me yours :) x

He:     Deal! x

Me:   2nd July? x

He: ....should be cool for coffee and gossip x

So on Friday I once again set off to meet up with him.  Last time had been odd, I blogged about the distance between us, the awkward hug, but despite that there was comfortable chatter, laughter, giggles and smiles, all the stuff that we were so good at (well...not ALL the stuff...hee hee) in the snatched 45 minutes I had with him. After last time I pondered how I felt about it all and felt what I had wanted was to meet and look at him with new eyes, not the love soaked ones I had seen him through before, but with a clearer head, calmer thoughts and a few barriers in place. It worked but only in respect that I didn't fling myself at him, I didn't weep and I didn't beg him to reconsider. I spent gentle time with him and parted from him intact but I knew that my love for him hadn't altered or diminished, it was simply now under control, in a place that I could regard it......

I had decided that depending on how we approached each other this time, that I would maybe ask outright, what was all this new 'comfortable' contact really about? What was it that was now keeping us in touch?
This time was so different, apart from the contact in between times it felt so much more comfortable. He plonked himself down beside me dispensing the need for the picnic-table-barrier between us, he had brought us a picnic lunch to share in the park, the things he knew I loved, the things we shared as lovers. There was a marked difference in his body language that I felt able to mirror as opposed to having to hold myself in check.

And so we chatted, we did what we are so damn good at, we made each other smile and feel wonderful, we spoke of how things were in our lives at present. Not wonderful, for either of us. And then he suddenly said a sentence that surprised me and had my head muddled......he said "It doesn't go away does it?"

No it doesn't, it hasn't. And I was brave enough to ask if he still loved me and he does......For the first time since he put up the barriers between us more than a year ago he let me into his true thoughts and feelings.
It felt like a revelation. It felt comforting, that I wasn't the only one that felt like this, I haven't been going mad, it really was all real.

Nothing has altered. He is still doing his damnedest to make his marriage survive, he has to and I so understand that.

He spent his lunch break with me and told me he only had to go back for an hour then would be finished for the day, I said I would wait for him. I got the blanket out the car and lay on the grass under a tree and read my book, lost myself in the black and white words on the pages rather than think about the words that had been spoken. He came back full of smiles and apologised, said he felt cruel for telling me this stuff when it really altered nothing for us but I didn't want his apology, I felt relief. I know now that what we felt was real and true and good, it wasn't just about the sex, the femdom play, the kink, the lust, it was about us, him and me.....it was real. It is real still I guess......We spent another 2 hours chatting, smiling and enjoying each others company.

So now I am left with a muddled head and a jam packed heart and I have to learn to live with this knowledge and believe that if its meant to be it will be.....and if its not....well I have the most wonderful love to carry me through years......

A Heart Full of Love

I have loved 4 men in my life, deeply, intensely and irrevocably. I have been honoured to be loved back by each of them with the same fervency. Its more than some ever get to experience.

Maybe that's more than any girl deserves in one lifetime.....

Maybe I have had my lifetime share of love........

Maybe this is it.......

A Big Fat "0"

Well its been a while since I put finger to keyboard and quite a lot has happened since I did!

Firstly, well not firstly but I guess most significantly I have had a 'land-mark' birthday, you know, one of those nasty ones with a '0' at the end of it, one you seriously consider lying about, leaving the country during or simply claiming alzheimers and denying all knowledge of.....yes it was one of those.

Being the mother of two beautiful, firm, slender, wrinkle free children who only see that a birthday is something to be excited about and should be celebrated there was no chance to get away with any of the above options and not being a recent lottery winner I didn't have the option of a 2 months round the world cruise!

The 'big' day itself fell on a Saturday and so in a rash moment I decided what the hell! I would have a party!! Completely bottling the idea of a venue (in case no one came and there ended up about 15 of us rattling in a beautifully balloon festooned room) I chose to have a house party.

I had the time of my life! My celebration really started on the preceding Thursday when a 'friend' took me out for dinner (I shall save that for another blog) save to say that I was treated wonderfully, laughed lots, easy chatter and company, delicious food and went home feeling as smiley and content as Cheshire Cat.....

Friday I met friend for coffee and breakfast and then after saying our goodbye met an old school friend for lunch. I have known this elegant lady for over 30 years and lost touch completely after we left school, (another blog material) but we now meet every so often to catch up. Another lovely treat. In the evening we were joined by my brother and daughters boyfriend and we shared wonderful chinese food and much laughter.....

And then my big day arrived! My girls spoilt me utterly and among other gifts I have a spa day to look forward to! I had a much longed for ipod (can't work the damn thing but its tiny, sleek, 8GB and orange!) and oodles of gifts and cards to open.

Night saw my garden alight with fairy lights in the gazebo and balloons! Lots of people, family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues all descended and filled my home with laughter and chatter, more gifts and cards and flowers! To be honest I was a little over-whelmed by it all, I barely drank until about 11 as I kept putting down my glass to greet and hug people and by the time i had been swept along my new arrivals I had lost the still almost full beverage and had another one poured, only to be repeated after a couple of sips!

I danced and laughed my way to the wee hours and then fell gratefully into bed. Sunday saw family and birthday tea and finally my 4 days of celebrations drew to a gentle close. Although I have dreaded that particular birthdays impending approach for many many months, I can honestly say I had a ball.

Perhaps I can start a new decade, afresh and clean, the last one contained some monumental highs and some heart shattering lows.....perhaps this one will be kind enough to be a little gentler on me as I started it so well??

Politics and Policies

We have sat having dinner this evening with the TV still on in the other room. We are being bombarded with Party Political Broadcasts due to the impending General Election on Thursday and over hearing the mumbled empty policies being promised from the mouth of candidates and celebrities my husband and I mumbled a few of our own choice morsels!

My youngest suggested that actually she thought she would make a very good Prime Minister. "And what would you do?" we probed sweetly.

"Oh I'd make everything cheaper!" she said "so we could all afford things like houses"

"And I would save the elephants, I love elephants!"

"And I would plant things!"

"What would you plant?" (thinking planet saving trees here...)

"Sunflowers!" she pronounced "You don't see many of them about and they are so bright"

Hmm.....am I the proud owner of an innocent 5 year old? No. She is 17 and doing her A Levels and although all said tongue in cheek it does worry me slightly LOL!

Having said that I actually think she couldn't do much more damage to the country as the bunch of fools we have the choice of to elect! VOTE JASMINE!

What a Pheasant Day.....

Well today I have made the 200+ mile trip that has allowed me to meet with my ex-lover. The day has been glorious, cool breeze, blue skies and brilliant sunshine. I woke this morning wondering what the hell had possessed me to put myself through this ordeal, should I set off earlier therefore arriving too early for him to meet in his lunch break? Should I set off later so as to miss his break? Should I simply text him and tell him there had been a change of plan?

In the end I set off, whacked some of my favourite tunes on, opened the window to let the early summer air invade the car and put my foot down! I had a wonderful journey. I actually enjoy driving, my car may be a small city car but it can eat up the tarmac and happily hit 85mph. I took a familiar route, the one taken frequently to meet on our secret trysts, the motorway meanders through beautiful English countryside, soaked in green for most of its way as foliage and trees come to life for this late spring.

I happily sang to my ipod songs, gobbled the breakfast sandwich and watched the miles whizz by. I saw a low flying plane sweep over the fields and dropping a string of 7 small parachutes with some sort of small parcels hanging from them, intriguing stuff! I passed the area we used for picnics, passion and playful past-times and saw Red Kites swooping on the swell of the breeze, the bright sun catching their deep russet red plummage, we have watched them from below while lying on our backs in idyllic patches of nature reserve.

My wee city car was overtaken in all manner of rude ways by drivers or BMW's or sporty little number who felt indignant at being or being passed by a tiny shiny red vehicle! Let them pass, I didnt care, I was on my adventure.

I arrived a little early and used the ladies loos there and then sat in the park at a picnic table in the warmth of the midday sunshine. I wanted to lie on the grass, but didnt think it would perhaps be appropriate to be splayed out prone when he arrived. So I sat and watched the few park dwellers carry out there business and watched for his car.

He arrived. He looked nervous but I smiled in what I hope was a warm and friendly way and stood to meet him. We hugged awkwardly and he made his excuses to dash to the loo himself. I watched him half run across the grass, his stride so familiar. When he returned we smiled and he plonked himself opposite me. We were never 'apart' when we were together, we were always touching, holding, beside each other. The space screamed out at me. I don't know whether he felt it or not. I don't know anything really. We were both quite animated in our chatter, we have never had any difficulty finding things to talk about, right from the very first MySpace message we exchanged the words always poured from us, anything and everything our source of topic.

I watched his face, the golden highlights in his hair, his beard trimmed slightly differently, his hazel eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled. I watched his hands, smooth and clean and his fingers so close I wanted to reach for them. I didn't.

And so we chattered along, sharing pics and news of our respective children, I never intended to speak of us, I wanted to hear his news, to tell him mine, to share fragments of our worlds. But he brought it up, he referred to our lost love, spoke of the discarded gifts and his regrets of that, he spoke of how I had fought so for my marriage before we met, he felt it only 'honourable' to do the same when she asked him to try, he said that the highs we'd had together were the sort that he would never get to feel again so precious were they, he chatted and filled the air with his talk.

I never got to tell him about the reason I had left our adult site, the way I had enjoyed my journey, the fields and the parachutes, the planes and the Red Kites, the dozens of dead pheasants that littered the motorway.

His lunch break ended, we walked back to the cars, I don't know what was going on in his head, we hugged again briefly. Did I want to kiss him? I don't know. If he had kissed me would I have allowed it? Yes.



And have I found anything out about myself today? Have I learnt anything. Only that I am so glad I'm not a pheasant.......

Fools Paradise

I have done a very foolish thing.

What I hear you cry? More foolish than normal?? Ummmm (looks around embarrassed..ummm yes)....

I have asked my ex-lover to meet me for a coffee. I am heading to pick up my daughter and will be passing his place of work. So I text yesterday morning and said I would have to stop on the 3 hour journey for a wee and a coffee and would he be free to share one?

Now back in October last year I asked him to meet me, said I would drive down and I wanted to see him, that I wanted to say goodbye face to face, that I felt he owed me that at least. He refused. He said he didnt feel the need to meet, that it had caused him much anguish deciding to say no but that please dont ask him to.

Since then I haven't ever suggested it again. Until now. Why now?
I'm not sure, I have wracked my brains, searched my head and my heart to fathom out exactly the reason I sent the text message yesterday at 7.22am. All I will confess to is that I was pretty damn sure that he would say no again, in fact I would have put money on it.

So imagine my surprise when at 7.25am I got a reply to say yes, he was doing a course that day but that he would check what time they would break for lunch and let me know.

Now I am in turmoil and questioning why I asked. What do I want from meeting him? Closure? To see if I have been remembering our affair through rose-tinted specs and that when I see him again I will realise what a fool I am for still holding a candle for him? To finally say goodbye? To hope that he regrets not giving us a chance? Maybe a stupid, ridiculous, pathetic mix of all those things.

Ok. Worse case scenario. We meet. I fall apart, am still besotted, he feels nothing, is cold and heartless and I end up back at Square One while he goes home to live happily ever after.

Best case scenario? Oh hell I have been through all sorts of combinations of feelings, my initial thought was best case was that we fall desperately into each others arms, swear undying love forever and go up in a magical puff of smoke and leave the world on a magic cloud (or maybe a volcano ash cloud?) But I think (when reality finally kicked in) that best case would be if we met and found each others company gentle, warm and calm and we were finally able to let go of all the hurt that this intense affair has caused us both.

The liklihood of that? Hmmm probably very low but I guess unless I bottle it and cancel myself, we will find out tomorrow. Think of me x

My Celebrity Shag List.....

....shamelessly stolen from auntiegwen! So you can safely assume that there is at least some 'life after love'! Well ok perhaps Lust after Love..ha ha but hey a girl can't stay numb forever!

The delicious Josh Holloway. If you are a female Lost fan there are two camps, Jack or Sawyer. For me its always been the bad boy Sawyer

Hugh Jackman, didn't quite float my boat as Wolverine but still enough eye candy for him to not be thrown out of my bed if he were lucky enough to find himself there.......

Bradley Cooper, I am a sucker for a gorgeous smile and a twinkle in the eyes, he has both!

Mr Gerard Butler, something deliciously rugged and flirty about him, can imagine him being the rascal

And there my blogger stopped working for some strange reason and wouldnt let me upload any more pics or you may have also been subjected to Orlando Bloom, George Clooney and Nigel Barker!! Oh yummy !!

Life Plans and Other Loony Advise

I read a blog today written by a lady that follows mine, Jean Maurie. She asked that if we could 'reset' our lives would we and if we did what would we do differently?

And it reminded me of a time a couple of years ago when my cousin and I were having a deep and soul-searching conversation about the state of her marriage. I of course, was happily knee deep in my extra-marital affair and happy as a pig in shit. So of course helping to sort out another persons misery and confusion all seems so simple, we're so good at dishing out advise aren't we but not so damn good at following it.

Her big dilemma was not knowing where the various options she had would lead her. "If only I knew they were the right decision" she lamented, "if only I could see that if I did X this would happen or if I decided on Y that would work"

Oh my moment of wisdom! Well you can't I retorted! What you have to do is think of it like a business plan.....Where do i want to be and how do I want to feel in 1 / 3 / 5 years? What do I have to do to get there. achieve that? And you make a conscious effort to take the first step in that direction, make the first move to get you at your end destination. Simple!

I remember telling 'lover' that and laughingly saying that it was easy to give the advise but that of course I couldnt take it myself, where I wanted to be was too complex, involved the decisions of too many others. Basically I wanted a chance at a life with him and I felt that wasn't my decision to make.

But Jean Mauries blog made me think back to this and now of course I am still in a confused and messy limbo-land. Maybe for once it is time to actually sit down and take note of my own 'sensible' advise.

The Things That Dreams Are Made Of.....

I dreamt last night. I don't always remember my dreams but when I do I wake and they flood my sleep sodden mind vividly in all their colours, shapes and locations.

In all the time I was with my lover I only ever dreamt of him twice, odd dreams where he was mixed into my every day life. It has been 1 year 5 months and 3 days since I was last with him and I dreamt of him last night. I have done twice recently. And the difference with these dreams?

I can feel him. I can see him so clearly in my head, the colour of his hair and the warm hazel of his eyes. I can smell his warmth and his skin, they are so powerful they still fill my senses as I wake and I desperately try to hold on and memorise them to my conscious, I don't want to forget how he felt to hold, to be held by, how he sounded....

It has filled my head all day and exhausted me

Phenomenal Woman

This morning I logged in to catch up on my blog reading. Saz had posted a poem on her blog, Fab, Feisty & Fifty... and I thought it was so wonderful I wanted to post it for you ladies who dont usually have the pleasure of her posts!

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing of my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,

They say they still can't see.

I say

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

If only I could hold on to that in my head and carry it with me every step of the way I might just make it through the rest of my life

Thoughts of a Rambling Mind

Yesterday I said goodbye. A final farewell blog at the adult site I have been a member of for over 2 years. I tried to keep it quite positive and upbeat but don't mind admitting I was in tears by the time I had finished it, the replies have made me weep more. I have made a few good friends there, some who I know will stay in my life for a long time if not forever.

Of course you can't please all of the people all of the time and I also made some, I won't call them enemies but maybe adversaries, folks who just seemed to like to stir some sort of shite and play mind games.

I am a very trusting person, since I discovered the online world of chat and messaging, blogging and forum posting I have only ever shown the real me, written in truth of emotions and actions or at least in the truth of how they felt or appeared to me. They are my truth. I wrote a long while ago when reposting my original blogs that I was proud and comforted when reading them back, to not once taking in a line or paragraph and thinking "my my girl, you exaggerated that one a bit!".

Because I am like that, admittedly hidden behind the pseudo-names of Tormentress and VelveteenRabbit, I expect and believe that all others are the same. Of course they're not. They make up their own stories, their own pasts, presents and futures, they become perhaps the person they feel they can never be in the real world and sometimes they then find another distraction that means they disappear from the cyber world without a word. For someone who deals in an open heart approach to life and love and gives of herself, what little can be given over the net, this can be confusing and hurtful.

The place I have left is also the site that my lover and I joined to explore our journey into Femdom, its a place that at first I clung to in case he came back to me, then because I got so much support and escapism from the friends I had made there and finally because I thought I could perhaps move on there. I made a new profile, gave myself a new nick but always came back to Tormentress because that was who I had really become, she was now part of me. At times my presence there brought comfort, at times terrible pain for what I was no longer a part of.

Increasingly engaging online has left me feeling used, empty and out of my depth and as it has been proclaimed there will be no 'exploration' of anything less than the mssionary position here (thats if a sexual relationship actually ever resumes and its looking less and less likely!) then my dabbling into that world now feels more fraudulent than ever before.

I have considered writing a novel, I am not sure how to begin and I am googling to find information but at least then I can find escapism in something constructive and perhaps cathartic too. I am glad to still have this place where I can empty my head and heart into the void and not have to pretend to be something that perhaps I never truly was in the first place.

Life After Love.....

.........tonight there isn't any.

How can you feel so lonely when you're not alone? How can you feel invisible when you can clearly see your own pain? How can you hurt so much when all you feel is numb?

On Mothers Day

Today here in the UK it is Mothers Day. It is 7.46 am and 'Mother' is awake and consuming coffee and painkillers while my two darlings still sleep.

Gone are the days when they 'crept' into my bedroom, excited and giggling, with gifts and flowers and breakfast (with the help of Daddy) to clamber on my bed and snuggle beneath the duvet with cold little hands and feet and demand that I wake and wake now because they wanted to start 'making my day'!

Now they will probably sleep till at least 10am (dependant on what time they went to bed themselves last night!) and I will already be up dressed showered and going about my day. The gifts they will give will be more expensive, probably more useful but a little less precious than the things they offered as children (it was always hilarious to discover what they considered Mummy really wanted )

If my life had followed my dreams I probably wouldnt have been here. I would be waking up almost 200 miles away in a new home. But my dreams went awry.

Last Mothers Day I was still in a blur of pain and longing for what I felt I had lost. This year I am so glad to still be here sharing the daily lives of my two beautiful daughters, witnessing their emergence into young womanhood, still being part of their laughter, their tears, their successes and their concerns, I watch them grow and learn and am honoured to have my days woven into theirs.

We use the term to be 'madly' in love with someone. I was truly madly in love. The dictionary says of madly: insanely, desperately, foolishly and I guess that sums it up. I was 'madly' in love. My love was beyond reason and sense, there was no rationale to it, only need, desperation and desire. So today more than any other day I am happy to still be here, with my wonderful girls and my own fragile Mother.

Happy Mothers Day to all the ladies here and ooh I hear movement maybe I wont have to wait till 10am for my hugs and love and the sight of their gorgeous faces

Heart, we will forget him!

Heart, we will forget him ~ Emily Dickinson

Heart, we will forget him,

You and I, tonight!

You must forget the warmth he gave,

I will forget the light.

When you have done pray tell me,

Then I, my thoughts, will dim.

Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging

I may remember him!

...Think I'll Go And Eat Worms

I have been thinking very carefully over the last few weeks. And I have been trying, once more I have been trying.
I have tried to encourage more conversation with hubby. I have encouraged a few evenings out to the cinema and for meals. I invited him to join me on a weekend with my friends from the North. I have spent more time sitting in the same room with him reading while he watches television rather than logging in for endless hours.

I have hugged him, initiated kisses with him, cuddled him in bed. I have complimented and thanked him. I have asked him to do small acts for me and been grateful. I have told him that I love him.

During the last 25 years I have known him I have given him everything, all of myself, all that I knew I was at the time. I have kept his home, supported him and bore his children. He has done the same for me but seemingly from a distance, guarded. I still can't truly say I know the man.

Last night I clambered onto the sofa beside him and encouraged a little kissing, he responded gently but I felt with reservation. "Do you fancy me?" I asked adolescently.
He paused and looked at me for more seconds than was healthy and then replied "Well you don't fancy me". Tit for tat? I blinked at him and walked away, muttering that of course, thats why I was curled against him trying to kiss a response from him.

I am invisible. I became invisible. I gave my all and he let me vanish. My everything wasn't enough.

I met my lover. He responded, so I gave my all to him, everything, every fibre of my being, my soul, my head, my heart, I thought he'd done the same. He rejected me, my everything wasn't enough.

And now I try and rekindle, to become visible again, All I have ever wanted is to be loved, wanted, needed, desired,. Is that so much to ask? But nobody wants me.

What this has shown me is that it isn't lover that I still crave it was the 'love' I thought I had found with him. It wasn't real it seems, it didnt last, like some cheap gold ring that loses its colour and turns your finger green. But just briefly I tasted what I had always wanted and to be rejected still by hubby when he claims not to want to lose me breaks my heart again nearly as badly as my lover broke it.

♫ So nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll go and eat worms ♫

The Silver Lining

I have never spared you any details about how much I miss and still long for my lover. Even after all this time I still think of him daily, part of me longs to be able to stop, to flick the 'off' switch on thoughts and emotions and part of me I have to admit is terrified of forgetting how to love, how he made me feel, what he made me feel. Its still a very dark place I find myself in sometimes.

But there is one thing I have resolved in my head, the timing of his admission that he couldn't leave his wife for me meant that I never had to make the decision myself to leave my world. I had promised him I would move the 180 miles to be with him so he could still be close to his small children, still be a part of their daily lives, I know to have lost that would have destroyed him, they are his life, but that decision would have meant I would leave the city I was born in, my daughters, my parents and my friends as well as neighbours and work colleagues. It would have meant total upheaval.

Of course at the time I was so very very sure that I was willing to do this, willing to alter my life completely to be with this man. We were over before I had to make the break, of course they had all been told it was going to happen but I never had to actually test my resolve by packing and saying goodbyes.

And every day I am glad for that. In the 15 months since we parted I have watched my girls grow more, mature more and live more. Their beauty captures me each time I see them, I inhale the scent of them when they hug me close, who would help with their hair and makeup for special occasions? Who would have helped with youngest daughters sewing project and hand sew buttons and frills on? Who would have been there to hug them and tell them how amazing they are when they are feeling especially female and fragile?

And my darling parents, my Mum's broken ankle and all the care and visiting, my Daddy now so inceasingly frail , both needing me around for tasks that are now beyond them...

There will be a day when my parents have gone and my daughters have spread their wings and made new nests of their own, and then maybe then I will be free to follow my own longings....but for now I bind the pieces of my broken heart tightly together and allow myself the pleasure of the silver lining.... my family and friends still close by to me.

You Just Never Know......

....who is plowing your fields!

I had quite a surreal experience this morning. I have a FaceBook profile (and before you all go hunting for me my name isn't really Velveteen Rabbit - I know! Shockingisn't it!!) and like many of us with these social networking profile I have got sucked into the world of FarmTown and Farmville! I have fervently resisted having an aquarium, a zoo, a flat, becoming a zombie, a member of the mafia or gardening.......but yes, I admit it I am quite hooked on my farms....

*embarrassed silence*

I am not sure of their appeal, maybe the idea of my own little empires, the trees and buildings placed just where I want them, the choice of crops all chosen by me, no other human being to consult or care for, I can plow and harvest and plant to my hearts content amassing an enviable fortune of imaginary coins of no value whatsoever!

Anyway, I digress, I went to the 'Marketplace' this morning to 'hire' hands to come harvest and plow for me. Shouted out yells of "HIRE MEEEEE PLZZZZZZZZ" and "I WANT A JOB!!" get ignored by gentle me....... (I always like manners in my cyber employees) and then a spotted a blonde female little 'person' called 'Surrender2Me'

I hired her. She worked swiftly and carefully and I asked her (well my little red head person did) about her name......"Would you mind if I answered when I have finished working?" she replied. Not at all I responded. So when the other 'workers' had finished and gone I asked her again, told her I was curious about her nic.....

"Well" she said "when I am at my church it is what I am being asked to do, to surrender my heart and myself to God"

"Oh thats lovely" I replied, feeling rather relived that all I had to do was hit the log off button if I suddenly found myself being preached to.

"But when I am at the club....well it is very different" she suddenly typed.

I smiled "That was what I was curious about" I said back to her, her words came up on the screen "I am *"......... "a Domme?" I typed quickly "Yes .....very much so"

I grinned to myself, we exchanged email addresses and I recommended the site I still visit, she too has recently split from her submissive partner and is trying to find a way forward, I told her I was in a similar boat, gave her my Login name at the site......

Its really was quite surreal, you just never know who you are employing these days!

Sleepy Lies

I went to bed at midnight last night, hubby had popped his head round the dining room door and announced he was going up about half an hour earlier. I slipped into the dark room and flicking on the bathroom light cleaned my teeth quietly so as not to wake him. I fumbled around for the tshirt I sleep in, left my clothes on the stool by my bed and slipped quietly under the duvet.

He was still awake and wrapped his arm around me and snuggled around me, I murmured my surprise he was still awake and nestled a little closer. His hand stroked my tummy softly and after a few minutes slowly made its way a little lower......

I feigned sleep............

Why? Why after my previous blog didn't I reciprocate and let things take their course?

Because I feel dead inside and his touch made me freeze..............

The Naughty Nitty Gritty

Ok ok. Lets get down to the nitty gritty. Lets talk about sex! Or lack of it......

This is one area that seems to be sadly brushed under the carpet with us 'ladies'....we don't like to admit to having rampant libidos......or frustrated fumblings.....or really just not enough of the hot stuff! So I am going to be brutally honest here......I am a horny little beastie!

I have always been very 'physical', have always had a 'healthy' sexual appetite, an open mind and exploratory curiosity about sexuality and sexual practices. There are things that have flitted across my libido driven mind over the years that I wouldn't even tell my best friend (yer! that bad! or is that good?). I was sexually active at 15 (with my regular boyfriend) and have always enjoyed it though I admit when younger and more naive I was not the most imaginitive or confident paticipant. I suppose I have always taken the lead from my partner (quite strange really now that I have enjoyed a very Femdom relationship with ex-lover) being guided by what he wanted, what the male decided, his choice of position and activity. This means that when with a 'conservative' partner my sex was staid, when with someone with a 'lust for luuurrrvvee' I was equally enthusiastic!

I have written before that sex with my husband has at best been adequate with the occasional 'fabby-dabby-mind-blowing' moments, at worst 'roll on roll off' or non-existant. As you can imagine throwing yourself back into an intimate sexual relationship with him hasn't been easy after my affair and his dire lack of sexual-communication skills, arousal, libido and fantasies make it very hard for me to contemplate this. It has always been the case, for many years, but since with my lover I shared THE most amazing sexual chemistry, THE most intimate love-making, THE most 'kinky' (if thats the word that it is - I prefer adventurous - if it feels-good-do-it!) sex I have ever experienced and everything that I have on offer now feels flat and empty and 'beige'.............

Now I am an experienced woman (with more tricks up my sleeve now than I have ever had before) and I know that if the moment came about I could blow hubbys socks off and leave them steaming 20 feet away! But I don't have the desire for him and he sadly hasn't seemed interested in resuming sexual contact with me so its not as if I have had to be fighting him off. It has now been over 15 months since I was last with my lover and in the ensuing months hubby and I have had fumblings, half hearted attempts at 'getting it on'. Two lead to brief penetrative encounters, one hand job (which he complimented) and one rather horny wine-induced advance from me which lead to a premature end on his part and a bewildered me.

I asked him one evening while cooking family dinner and he was rummaging around for a snack in the fridge what had happened to us, where was the passion? His reply shocked me. We have got old he said....Noooo I cried! YOU have got old not me!

I am not ready to do the coco and a good book at bed time yet, I don't want to think I will never have passion and lust and adventure again..... I have told him that at some point we have to get this sorted, we have to try and get ourselves back on track because I am not prepared to live the rest of my life sexless......I'm still young and passionate and longing.....

I have not had sex now for around 9 months..... this has been driving me crazy! (I have shares in Duracell and bulk buy!) but imagine how surprised I was to discover that with my wonderful new pills comes a bit of a dive in my sex drive, over the last 4 weeks it hasn't crossed my mind half as much, in fact a week or so ago I sort of 'made myself' think about it just to see if I was in working order still..... I am....just about..... I have been known to 'indulge' myself as many as 4 times in a day (when the stimulus was there of course..... *embarrassed smile*)

This last weekor two hubby has started to be a little more attentive, a cuddle in bed, a little touching and stroking my skin, tiny signs that he has taken on board what I have said, I am grateful for his attempt but am left unmoved. The caresses and intimacy I have so longed for make me numb, I feel a 'shutdown' of my senses as I lay waiting to see what he may want from me and for once I lay relieved when it leads to nothing more than warmth beside me.....

Numb Days and Smiley Faces

It is now 4 weeks since I went to see the Doctor and was put back on my 'happy' pills...not my proudest moment but a necessary one and in the passing days I have pondered several things.

Is this how my life is going to be from now on? An ongoing up and down where I am relishing the times I can enjoy and waiting for the next bout of darkness to creep upon me? Am I going to be cured? So I can move forward with my life and eventually look back at these nasty periods of 'depression' as one might look back on an embarrassing infection?

There is certainly a stigma that comes with the word 'depression', you suddenly are considered less than stable or maybe a bit melo-dramatic. People remind you that you have nothing to be depressed about and you should look forward and be positive. It is a dark, misunderstood and simplified term for what can be a totally debilitating condition.

I am doing alright on my new pills. One of the side effects is changes in sleeping patterns. The first few nights I slept badly, well I didnt sleep much at all! This has now settled and I found myself craving sleep early in the evening, sleeping deeply and waking slowly and very groggily. I am able to put up the facade again and some days I even manage to convince myself I am feeling bright and positive.

But I have discovered it is a very fine line I am treading and it only takes a fairly minor thing to tilt me into an achey heart, tear filled eyes and that awful sadness that I will never feel alive again.

I have this past weekend been away with my husband, to friends up north, to a party that was funfilled and lively and I have had a lovely time. Hubby and I are being kinder to each other, gentler and more affectionate, it feels calmer. But it has a strange discomfort about it, I want to love him, I want to be able to fancy him again, I want to have the urge to throw myself into a new type of relationship with him.

So why is it that there is still this deep hole in the middle of my chest that threatens to tear apart so painfully if I allow my head or my heart to dwell on any thought of the dream I once allowed myself to believe........

Better The Devil You Know

Most of you who have read my blog know that a while back I embarked on an extra-marital affair which involved intense love, deep friendship and adventurous and rather deliciously kinky sex! There are days I still feel as if I haven't moved on from or repaired from the pain and loss I felt when it ended. There are some days I still feel that I miss him so badly it feels like a physical hurt and yet as time (the great healer it is portrayed to be) passes there are other days I feel I am making progress.

I can look back now and on bitter days see the affair for what it was, I can twist it into the sordid escape that some would have seen it as and I can calmly look back and remember it with love, sorrow, regret, joy, nostalgia. It can involve tears, laughter, smiles and secrets thoughts. It all depends on how my mood grabs me and how the thoughts form in my head (and often what time of the month it is! - damn these hormones!)

The same can be said for my marriage and homelife, sometimes I feel ready to flee, sometimes I consider it safe to stay......I really must be a nightmare to live with!

But while I was feeling of a slightly positive mind the other day I thought and considered my husband. He is a good man. He is a good provider, reliable, safe, calm and tolerant. He is not a drinker, smoker or gambler. he doesn't womanise or trawl the internet wanking at random porn or engaging in cyber sex with folks of dubious backgrounds, he doesn't beat me, belittle me or expect me to be a domestic goddess. He has never demanded that the laundry/meals/housework be done and has allowed me my freedom to pursue whatever I have desired. When I worked full time he supported me and helped with home and children, when I took a break from work he allowed me to without pressure to resume. He is a good man.

Ok, ok......he is not the most exciting man in the world, he is not the life and soul of the party, he isn't imaginative, eloquent or passionate. He doesn't melt my pants at the sight of him and he has admitted he doesn't fancy me so much now I have put on weight. He watches too much sport on the television and walks around with his earphones in listening to sport on the radio. His jaw clicks on occasions when he chews and I can't bear the sight of his feet.

But he is a good man and perhaps it is time I stopped hankering after something that I maybe should never have tasted and settle for what I have in front of me. Perhaps it is better the devil you know.......

Still Trying To Make Some Sense

I have today returned to see my doctor.

I have been increasingly 'lost' over the last few weeks again and a friend made me promise I would seek help if I needed it. At a tremendously low point around 10 days ago I actually sat and wrote to down my feelings. Its a bit like calling out the engineer to an errant home appliance, it plays up for weeks and as soon as you get the man in over-alls through your door it works to perfection!

Well I sometimes feel a little the same. I am so used to painting on the brave face, the smile, putting up the front, the happy facade, that when I get to the surgery to attend the appointment I made 4 days ago when I was a blithering wreck in continual tears and unable to function, I smile serenely and tell him I am fine (go figure!) or I call and cancel as I feel I am wasting his time........ I can't get the words out, and he chats to me and gives me encouragement and positive thoughts and I leave (smiling- because thats what I do) and at the time think its all ok.

Its not.

So he sat and read the A4 word document I had printed off this morning and I sat and wept silent tears because I knew what I had written down to him. My 10 minute appointment lasted 40 minutes (if you were the lady with the baby in the pram who was waiting to see him after me I am so sorry!) and we talked and I sobbed and we talked some more.

I am back on anti-depressants, he wants to see me again in 3 weeks and we will talk some more and he is going to refer me to see a 'new' counsellor who attends the surgery. I like my doctor, he (quite unprofessionally really) let me hug him when I left, but he is a good doctor and he explains how things work and why he has given you certain drugs and advise. He is not a doctor who scribbles out prescriptions without making eye contact with you, I like him and trust him. But I know that he can't make me better, that a lot of that has to come from me.

So here I am........so many months down the line...still trying to make some sense of it all.....

What Makes You Happy

I logged in this morning and have been catching up on my favourite blogs. I have a bit of reading to do as it has been a day or two....but the one that caught my eye this morning was from Crystal Jigsaw..... what CJ describes as a MeMe blog, the idea of which she had 'stolen' from a blog she follows......

So I thought I would shamelessly follow with my own.......

"Ten Best Things In My Life That Are Free"

Some days are really rather hard and it is very easy to get bogged down by the negatives so sitting here now thinking of my 10 things may be very good therapy for me...

1. Climbing into my bed all showered, clean skin, clean sheets and clean pyjamas

2. When one of my beautiful daughters wants a 'mummy hug', they are 17 and 20 now and no longer fit on my lap but do their damndest to some days, they wrap me in their youthful limbs and squeeze me and I bury my face in their hair and inhale them!

3. A seasonal one......How thrilling is it to be the very first person to walk on virgin snow! ☺

4. Waking in the morning and realising that you have slept the whole night through without waking! Sadly even then I rarely feel completely refreshed but it still gives me that glow of satisfaction.

5. Watching the ocean. Sitting on a beach or a cliff top and watching the waves, whether they are small rhythmic laps on sand or the more exhilerating pounding of tidal waves against rocks......

6. Laying in my garden on a summers days and gazing at the blue sky through the canopy of leaves on the large lime tree, colours I now associate with summer.

7. A moment of brief conversation that makes you smile....in a store, the petrol station, a waiting room....

8. Walking into my kitchen to find everything washed up and tidied away, with 2 girls you would think it might be more often than it is...but thanks to my husband I do get that pleasure.

9. Losing myself in a good book, its pure escapism. I can't get into one at the moment, I have 3 queuing up to be read, I suspect it is my frame of mind at the moment not the books, so I will bide my time and try again in a while

10. Having my parents, friends and folks round for food and chatter...


Writing this has been so much harder than I ever imagined it could be! I started out with such positive thoughts and by the time I got to 8 and 9 I was struggling. It made me realise a couple of things. Firstly, how much of our life is spent doing things that DON'T make us happy, the mundane, the necessary, the obligatory stuff and secondly, that we should make sure we do the stuff that DOES make us happy far more often.

Its been a good exercise.....I think more of us ought to take the time to make lists of their own.

New Year and Other Nonsenses

I found it quite shocking when I went back and read my blogs from last new year! Oh how focussed and positive I felt then! Or at least that was how it came across.....how depressing! That 12 months on I seem to have moved no further, am still in this limbo-land of uncertainty!

It made me think back over the ups and downs of the year.

Now writing like this makes me feel a little guilty. As others have pointed out to me (and I am not so up my own arse I don't realise) there are many others in the world worse off than me.
I have my health (even though if I don't do something about my weight this year that could suffer) I have friends and family who love and support me, I don't have to beg or steal to feed my children, my country isn't war torn or threatened by famine or drought. I really am in a very fortunate place.

But of course it is all relative, and yes while I do have all these things there are still things in my world that cause me distress and unhappiness. It is different things to different people. You could say simply that if my day involved a 5 mile hike there and back to provide drinking water for my children I wouldn't have the time and energy to dwell on a broken heart and discontent in my marriage (I also wouldn't be so overweight!) and of course that is true. But the fact remains my water arrives with the slick turn of a shiny stainless steel tap, abundant enough for twice daily showers and watering the garden and soaking my feet if I so desire, so I do have the time to dwell on my lifes trivial inadequacies!

I have written before, very early on, about how I hate this label of 'depression'. I now no longer take any form of drugs for it nor do I receive counselling although there are dark moments that I consider I need both. The thing that I find most frightening is the speed at which some times I can feel myself spiral down.....No! Not spiral...plummet!

It can be a gradual process, a series of days or weeks that I can feel myself slipping lower and into darkness, sometimes it is possible to buoy myself with company or activity, sometimes it is not. But there are other times where I can wake and write or speak such positive things and by mid-afternoon I simply want out! I want to shut myself away and hide and ignore the world and no amount of cajoling and counselling can make me feel differently about it, me, us, them.....

Looking back over my blogs it reads like a roller-coaster, so 'up' and focussed some days and so desperate and devoid of life others. I know that I have a hard path to travel this year, I know simply that I cannot get to the beginning of 2011 with the same problems I have now and have had for at least the last 5 years.

Hopefully there will be no threat to my western world that will stop me still having the 'luxury' of fretting over 'trivia' but I need to make very sure that it is indeed different trivia. So I won't write positive, upbeat drivel that will make me look foolish when once again in a few weeks I write of my woes..... I shall just say I hope 2010 is a gentle year for all.

A Catch Up Before 2010

It has been over 3 months since I last sat and wrote here on my blog.

At the lowest times when I have needed to empty my head I have been painfully aware that most of what I divulge is depressing drivel and found it hard to write, at other times (increasing in number I am relieved to say) I feel hopeful and I then don't feel the need to write my emotions down.

It has been a strange three months, many things have happened and yet nothing at all.

Since my last blog I have struggled with my head and my heart on a number of occasions and at the end of October, the date marking the very last time I was with my Lover, when we were still fooling ourselves we had hope, we exchanged some texts and I asked him if he would meet me.

If he had agreed I am not sure how I would have felt or if I would have actually had the courage to go. I am also not totally sure of the reasons I felt I wanted to meet. Partly I know it was so I could see once and for all if there was something still there.

I wrote before how ours was a Legendary Love, still pristine and perfect. I tend to look back at our time with rose-tinted specs, in my head, in my memory everything about him/us was perfect, ideal. Perhaps with the passing of 12 months I wanted to find out if, when I saw him again, I would see the 'real' him, the man who broke me, the man who fed me hope and then let me down so terribly. The long-haired, bearded hippie who I possibly wouldn't have given a second glance at should we have met in a bar...... I wanted to see what part of the man I saw in him now.

He replied that he didn't want to meet, that he wasn't comfortable. He then sent a follow-up text saying that if I were to drive down I must know that he would make the time to see me. But I had already replied with a goodbye and a wish for his happiness and so my chance was lost.

I made the decision there would be no more contact..... with the get out clause that it was his birthday in a little over 6 weeks and that if I had to, really really had to make contact I could do it then without losing face, right? I mean wishing your ex-lover a happy birthday is a legitimate reason for breaking the embargo on contact.....? And if course he had vanished from my thoughts and I missed it, well then it would simply show us all how far I had moved on!

The birthday loomed and I asked close friends what I should do. Do I send a humourous non-specific card to his place of work? Do I email a Happy Birthday message? Or do I send a simple text on his day? The consensus was it would be better to ignore, that he would be expecting contact and that I should let it pass unmarked. I agreed.

I lasted till 10pm and then caved in and sent a text - "Happy birthday *****"

He replied, thanked me and hoped I was well. I didn't pursue it. No more words were needed. He didn't ask if I was well, he didn't enquire about my health, it was a statement. It didn't require a reply. He then text me on the 23rd, wishing me a happy christmas and a wish that 2010 was a 'kind and good year' for me, that I deserved it. I simply replied that I felt we both deserved it.

Oh but it has stirred up all sorts of head-fucking thoughts. I hate New Year with a passion! I remember the days when I was young and each new year signified the promise of new things! Leaving school, starting work, passing my driving test! New men in my life, new homes, a wedding, a baby, another baby! First school days, summer holidays!

New Year is wonderful if you have hope and happiness. New Year is dreadful when you are lost and don't know if you can ever be found again.

The one good thing is that on my more positive days, the ones where I do see hope and happiness and a rosy-life in front of me I do feel more like my old self, the person I liked, the person who loved and was loved, the woman that felt of worth. On days where I am still lost I feel I am a burden to those around me, a drain on people energies and I despise myself for being the person I have become.

The dreadful thing about these dark days is that they can spring upon you with such suddeness they can take your breath away, like a mugger hidden around a corner on an otherwise sunny street, they assault your self-esteem and rob you of your confidence. Its that confidence that is the key, the confidence to be the person you long to be, the confidence to see a future worth sharing, the confidence to give yourself hope.

I know that only I can heal myself, that it is only my own doing that can mend me and I hope with all my heart that 2010 is indeed a 'kind and good year' for me, for us all, because we ALL deserve it

Babies, Birthdays, Cupcakes and Cradles....

Friday saw the eve of a momentous event in my life....
Twenty years ago that day I was awaiting the birth of my first baby.

I was terribly broody not long after we first married and we had tried to conceive for a year before I fell pregnant. My due date was September 19th, we broke to news to first family and friends, all thrilled and excited, both Grannies and my adored aunt wished fervently for a baby girl........I yearned for a baby girl! The pregnancy went smoothly and as comfortably as pregnancies go and my 6lb 14oz bundle of girly-flavoured yumminess arrived a week early on the 12th. I swear I thought she was the most exquisite thing I have ever laid eyes on! Isn't nature wonderful for making us think that!!

I had spent the day before making finals finishing touches to the nursery, making sure my hospital bag had everything I thought would be required and setting up the Moses basket with tiny blankets and sheets.........



Friday was the eve of my baby's 20th birthday, my beautiful daughter, the adored (and at times rather spoilt) grandchild of my parents. She is of course now working, she drives her own car and is 'going steady' as my mum insists on calling it with a local boy.

So this year, instead of preparing maternity holdalls and tiny beds I have today lost my weary head in preparing wee morsels for her delight tomoro. She isn't fond of traditional birthday cakes so my younger daughter and I baked a myriad of tiny cupcakes and hand decorated them for her. Oh we did have fun and a giggle doing it and watching the clock as she was due home from work and stashing them away, foil covered in the garage so she wouldn't spot them before her birthday morning!

Incidentally, the moses basket that I so lovingly prepared 20 years ago is now occupied by a new little life. My daughters friend gave birth this week to her baby boy and he now resides in the pale blue protection of my beautiful cradle.......

Perhaps I will make him blue cupcakes in 20 years time.................

Written on a sunny sunday......

I haven't blogged for a very long time. Not here, not anywhere and I am not sure of the reasons for that. I think I was perhaps a little 'blogged out'.... I certainly have had so many, many things whirring round my wee head so its certainly not for lack of thoughts or emotions.

But perhaps after trying exposure as part of the healing process I needed to look internally, keep some things inside my head and heart and deal with them differently.

And now I am here, my fingers tapping out the words onto my screen, I am not quite sure of what to

write or where to begin. Its a few weeks now since I returned home from my holiday and my life has plodded, with one or two encounters I may share....

I'll start at the beginning....my marriage.

Since my lover and I ended back in November last year I have been a mess, I know that for many months I clung to the hope that he would suddenly realise what a terrible mistake he had made, that he still loved me as desperately as I felt I loved him, that he was willing to go through the devastation just to be with me ...because I really did need to feel and believe that what I thought we had shared was real.

Once the hope began to fade it was a resigned 'if it's meant to be, it will be' mentality that I got through each day with, but I became aware that I was holding back, sunconsciously keeping myself distant from my husband incase my warmth or interest in him led him to believe that things were now ok, normal service resumed and I was over stuff.

I underestimated his knowledge of me. He is an odd man my husband, he has no idea how to show is emotions, he is what I cruelly describe as 'emotionally retarded', he can neither voice nor express what he is feeling or thinking.

This has always been an issue for me, I have always found it frustrating and confusing that I am left in this wilderness of not knowing or understanding him, that communication and expression have always been so difficult between us. But it appears he knows me well enough to see that I am still not fully healed from my affair, still pine for what I had, still grieve for what I lost.

What I think is slightly different for me now, with the passing of a little more time, is that I now recognise that the man I fell in love with and risked my marriage for now no longer exists. The man now that has pushed me so far out of his life in order to restore and rebuild his own marriage is not the man that I lost my heart and mind over and who made me believe that we could have this amazing relationship like no other we had ever experienced. He is no more.

He told me many months ago that "I have had to let my love for you go, if I am to attempt to rebuild my marriage I have HAD to"

That one line has been a thorn in my side ever since. If it was true love how can it be let go? How I wish that I too could 'let my love' for him go! How I wish he didn't cross my mind and invade my thoughts every day. And I mean EVERY day, several times a day! How I long for a day when I close my eyes at night without having seen a hundred things that remind me of him and ached to make contact with him........fuck how different a man's mind heart and world must be if he can have just 'let his love go'!

Of course the cynic in me thinks....well he obviously never loved me and thats a thought that causes me almost as much pain, so I let that one pass quickly and don't dwell on the whys and wherefores of that one.

The other thing is that its ok to let my husband in, I don't have to keep him at arms length afraid that he will see any connection between us as being a guarantee of a future, another 22 years together. I sit with him and go out with him, I cook for him and join him watching television, we have watched films side by side and we have had sex.

I say' had sex' as opposed to 'make love' because sadly I am still terribly detached. I don't desire this man, sex has not been amazing between us for many years. It was never truly stunning but it was good, but that died for us a long time ago. I know there are things I can say, do and suggest that maybe, and I say maybe because I am not absolutely sure, make things better for both of us. But you have to WANT it, you have to LOVE them or at least FANCY them to have that inner desire to introduce and explore and learn again with each other and sadly I am not at that place yet, perhaps I never will be, but I know I am not there yet.

Another thing this sorry 'episode' in my life has made me is cynical. I have not always been but had become trusting and open, honest about who and what I am whether in person or here online. I have discovered I have become hard and detached, I am guarded and untrusting, I question and discard in a way I never used to.

I am the person I am because of all my lifes experiences, I am just getting used to being the one that this experience has made me.......

I have had lots of other happenings in my world, most of which seem insignificant with the passing days and some that will perhaps shape the person I will become in the future..... we will see with the telling....