It has been over 3 months since I last sat and wrote here on my blog.
At the lowest times when I have needed to empty my head I have been painfully aware that most of what I divulge is depressing drivel and found it hard to write, at other times (increasing in number I am relieved to say) I feel hopeful and I then don't feel the need to write my emotions down.
It has been a strange three months, many things have happened and yet nothing at all.
Since my last blog I have struggled with my head and my heart on a number of occasions and at the end of October, the date marking the very last time I was with my Lover, when we were still fooling ourselves we had hope, we exchanged some texts and I asked him if he would meet me.
If he had agreed I am not sure how I would have felt or if I would have actually had the courage to go. I am also not totally sure of the reasons I felt I wanted to meet. Partly I know it was so I could see once and for all if there was something still there.
I wrote before how ours was a Legendary Love, still pristine and perfect. I tend to look back at our time with rose-tinted specs, in my head, in my memory everything about him/us was perfect, ideal. Perhaps with the passing of 12 months I wanted to find out if, when I saw him again, I would see the 'real' him, the man who broke me, the man who fed me hope and then let me down so terribly. The long-haired, bearded hippie who I possibly wouldn't have given a second glance at should we have met in a bar...... I wanted to see what part of the man I saw in him now.
He replied that he didn't want to meet, that he wasn't comfortable. He then sent a follow-up text saying that if I were to drive down I must know that he would make the time to see me. But I had already replied with a goodbye and a wish for his happiness and so my chance was lost.
I made the decision there would be no more contact..... with the get out clause that it was his birthday in a little over 6 weeks and that if I had to, really really had to make contact I could do it then without losing face, right? I mean wishing your ex-lover a happy birthday is a legitimate reason for breaking the embargo on contact.....? And if course he had vanished from my thoughts and I missed it, well then it would simply show us all how far I had moved on!
The birthday loomed and I asked close friends what I should do. Do I send a humourous non-specific card to his place of work? Do I email a Happy Birthday message? Or do I send a simple text on his day? The consensus was it would be better to ignore, that he would be expecting contact and that I should let it pass unmarked. I agreed.
I lasted till 10pm and then caved in and sent a text - "Happy birthday *****"
He replied, thanked me and hoped I was well. I didn't pursue it. No more words were needed. He didn't ask if I was well, he didn't enquire about my health, it was a statement. It didn't require a reply. He then text me on the 23rd, wishing me a happy christmas and a wish that 2010 was a 'kind and good year' for me, that I deserved it. I simply replied that I felt we both deserved it.
Oh but it has stirred up all sorts of head-fucking thoughts. I hate New Year with a passion! I remember the days when I was young and each new year signified the promise of new things! Leaving school, starting work, passing my driving test! New men in my life, new homes, a wedding, a baby, another baby! First school days, summer holidays!
New Year is wonderful if you have hope and happiness. New Year is dreadful when you are lost and don't know if you can ever be found again.
The one good thing is that on my more positive days, the ones where I do see hope and happiness and a rosy-life in front of me I do feel more like my old self, the person I liked, the person who loved and was loved, the woman that felt of worth. On days where I am still lost I feel I am a burden to those around me, a drain on people energies and I despise myself for being the person I have become.
The dreadful thing about these dark days is that they can spring upon you with such suddeness they can take your breath away, like a mugger hidden around a corner on an otherwise sunny street, they assault your self-esteem and rob you of your confidence. Its that confidence that is the key, the confidence to be the person you long to be, the confidence to see a future worth sharing, the confidence to give yourself hope.
I know that only I can heal myself, that it is only my own doing that can mend me and I hope with all my heart that 2010 is indeed a 'kind and good year' for me, for us all, because we ALL deserve it