I found it quite shocking when I went back and read my blogs from last new year! Oh how focussed and positive I felt then! Or at least that was how it came across.....how depressing! That 12 months on I seem to have moved no further, am still in this limbo-land of uncertainty!
It made me think back over the ups and downs of the year.
Now writing like this makes me feel a little guilty. As others have pointed out to me (and I am not so up my own arse I don't realise) there are many others in the world worse off than me.
I have my health (even though if I don't do something about my weight this year that could suffer) I have friends and family who love and support me, I don't have to beg or steal to feed my children, my country isn't war torn or threatened by famine or drought. I really am in a very fortunate place.
But of course it is all relative, and yes while I do have all these things there are still things in my world that cause me distress and unhappiness. It is different things to different people. You could say simply that if my day involved a 5 mile hike there and back to provide drinking water for my children I wouldn't have the time and energy to dwell on a broken heart and discontent in my marriage (I also wouldn't be so overweight!) and of course that is true. But the fact remains my water arrives with the slick turn of a shiny stainless steel tap, abundant enough for twice daily showers and watering the garden and soaking my feet if I so desire, so I do have the time to dwell on my lifes trivial inadequacies!
I have written before, very early on, about how I hate this label of 'depression'. I now no longer take any form of drugs for it nor do I receive counselling although there are dark moments that I consider I need both. The thing that I find most frightening is the speed at which some times I can feel myself spiral down.....No! Not spiral...plummet!
It can be a gradual process, a series of days or weeks that I can feel myself slipping lower and into darkness, sometimes it is possible to buoy myself with company or activity, sometimes it is not. But there are other times where I can wake and write or speak such positive things and by mid-afternoon I simply want out! I want to shut myself away and hide and ignore the world and no amount of cajoling and counselling can make me feel differently about it, me, us, them.....
Looking back over my blogs it reads like a roller-coaster, so 'up' and focussed some days and so desperate and devoid of life others. I know that I have a hard path to travel this year, I know simply that I cannot get to the beginning of 2011 with the same problems I have now and have had for at least the last 5 years.
Hopefully there will be no threat to my western world that will stop me still having the 'luxury' of fretting over 'trivia' but I need to make very sure that it is indeed different trivia. So I won't write positive, upbeat drivel that will make me look foolish when once again in a few weeks I write of my woes..... I shall just say I hope 2010 is a gentle year for all.