Saturday, 30 January 2010

Better The Devil You Know

Most of you who have read my blog know that a while back I embarked on an extra-marital affair which involved intense love, deep friendship and adventurous and rather deliciously kinky sex! There are days I still feel as if I haven't moved on from or repaired from the pain and loss I felt when it ended. There are some days I still feel that I miss him so badly it feels like a physical hurt and yet as time (the great healer it is portrayed to be) passes there are other days I feel I am making progress.

I can look back now and on bitter days see the affair for what it was, I can twist it into the sordid escape that some would have seen it as and I can calmly look back and remember it with love, sorrow, regret, joy, nostalgia. It can involve tears, laughter, smiles and secrets thoughts. It all depends on how my mood grabs me and how the thoughts form in my head (and often what time of the month it is! - damn these hormones!)

The same can be said for my marriage and homelife, sometimes I feel ready to flee, sometimes I consider it safe to stay......I really must be a nightmare to live with!

But while I was feeling of a slightly positive mind the other day I thought and considered my husband. He is a good man. He is a good provider, reliable, safe, calm and tolerant. He is not a drinker, smoker or gambler. he doesn't womanise or trawl the internet wanking at random porn or engaging in cyber sex with folks of dubious backgrounds, he doesn't beat me, belittle me or expect me to be a domestic goddess. He has never demanded that the laundry/meals/housework be done and has allowed me my freedom to pursue whatever I have desired. When I worked full time he supported me and helped with home and children, when I took a break from work he allowed me to without pressure to resume. He is a good man.

Ok, ok......he is not the most exciting man in the world, he is not the life and soul of the party, he isn't imaginative, eloquent or passionate. He doesn't melt my pants at the sight of him and he has admitted he doesn't fancy me so much now I have put on weight. He watches too much sport on the television and walks around with his earphones in listening to sport on the radio. His jaw clicks on occasions when he chews and I can't bear the sight of his feet.

But he is a good man and perhaps it is time I stopped hankering after something that I maybe should never have tasted and settle for what I have in front of me. Perhaps it is better the devil you know.......

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