Sunday, 31 May 2009
Well, it’s over.
Tonight I ended my affair with db. Why? Because it was killing him. Over the last 2 weeks he has faced the most hideous dilemma. Despite the fact that we have been together almost 2 years it is something that has never been easy for him, the lies, the deceit, the adultery and he decided he couldn’t do it any longer. Not because he loved his wife more than he loved me, not because he thought he’d be happier without me, but because he is a good man and craved a life that was right, honest and responsible.
He ended things with me.
Within 2 days we were declaring love that couldn’t be ended and he asked me, if I could, if I would wait until he had extricated himself gently from his marriage. I agreed so desperate not to lose the man I love more than any other.
But he has 2 beautiful young children and although I agreed and promised I would try to wait for him for as long as it took, I knew deep in my heart that whether it took a week, a month or a year that the outcome would be the same, he would have to stay and that to take him from them would break and destroy the wonderful, glorious man who I have woven into my life over the last 23 months.
So over this last week we have met twice, clinging and talking, we have spoken for hours and over the days I have seen him falling apart and it broke me in two.
I have set him free. I have lost my best friend, my lover and my submissive, we are both still in shock and terrified of the void in our lives, we are still in contact though both aware we have to be weaned off each other.
I have done this because he is the love of my life, because having to decide between us was tearing him apart. I know he feels a certain sense of relief that he doesn’t have to make the decision himself and I don’t blame him (I was hoping for the same from my husband). I know that he also feels he has betrayed and let me down.
I will not leave the website we joined, although I was a Domme for him and him alone, I have made some wonderful friends there. It is still a place where I feel 'at home' and that has travelled the last few months of my journey with me, with us. There are parts of the blogs and forum I dare not read, his words of love for me, but one day I will be able to and draw comfort from the fact that I have shared a period in my life more wonderful than some will ever have the pleasure of knowing.
So please forgive me if I don’t post very much, or post too much, or it makes little sense. Not much in my life makes much sense to me at the moment when I have just lost the person who knows me so completely I feel I have lost half of me.
I will love you always my darling db and I will try to be the brave strong person that you always believed me to be, on condition that you never give up the truly warm beautiful man that you are and that you strive for happiness. We both have to find something positive out of this otherwise our wondrous love will have been in vain.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
I have today been to see my doctor. Well "A" doctor. Not my lovely favourite Doctor who I give a capital letter to because I like him and he is wonderful and wise and has always made me better, he wasn't available today and I really needed to see someone today.
I have been considering going to see him for about a month if I am totally honest, considering discussing going back on the pill.
Am I suddenly in need of contraception? No..... Apart from the fact that I really do not desire pregnancy at my 'delicate' age, I have always found it quite difficult to 'get' pregnant, both the men I have had any sexual contact with in the last 2 years have had a vasectomy and of course while I sort out the present chapter of my life I will not be having sex with anyone so no....no need for contraceptive pills.
I have been to see a lovely lady doctor who I have seen before almost 3 years ago and who today has put me back on prozac and has signed me off from work on sick leave for a period of 3 weeks.
Hopefully during this time, although my life will not magically morph into a perfect one, I will hopefully feel strong enough to deal with it, will be able to do the simple things like function throughout the day and sleep throughout the night without my head being in a continual blurr and whirr of mad, disjointed thoughts, a majority of which I have neither power nor knowledge enough to deal with.
None of this is anyones fault, no blame to be apportioned, it is just a combination of unhappy problems/facts/developments in my life at present. I will get through this, I have done before and I will do again, I like the me that feels strong and safe, I like the me that brings pleasure and happiness into others lives, I like the me that people are pleased to encounter and I will be that me again. For me.
So I am sitting here now, sipping sweet milky latte and having just swallowed my first wee happy pill and I'm going to wrap myself up for a bit.
Friday, 29 May 2009
...that is what my week has been like and my yesterday mirrored what nature threw at us in the way of an autumn day.
Yesterday morning I set off to meet my darling db.
It was cold, real nippy autumnal air, the fog was thick in places and as I drove I had to use my wipers to clear the cold moisture off my screen. I had put on a long sleeved top, cast aside my toe-post flip flops for the warmth of socks and trainers, thrown my padded hooded jacket on the back seat in case we wandered around anywhere that might feel bleak. All prepared for the coolness of a late September day.
As I drove (as often happens when I approach our meeting point) the sun gradually broke through, the fog began to lift, I could see it hovering above the countryside, clinging to the warming fields before it was burned off by the increasing heat.
By the time I arrived it was full sunshine, bright, glorious day, my welcome matched the warmth of the day, as unexpected as the improved weather. As we sat drinking coffee together, chatting in our usual easy fashion we watched the world transform from the cool and bleak place it had started out to a place full of cheer, heat and brightness. As we walked in our country park later and lay on the grass watching the blamelessly blue sky, interrupted only by the odd feeble cloud and the regular grumble of a plane the sun shone hot and searing onto us, quite made us forget it wasn't a day like earlier in the year when we made love in the scorching sun under an equally blazing sun. So easy to forget.
Lots of words, love and laughter exchanged over our day, sharing passion fruit and slices of buttered toasted fruity-bread over late afternoon coffee as the sun began to gently lose some of its power. And finally we parted, leaving behind a magical day, such a beautiful surprise of a day as much as the weather was a wonderful surprise too. And the sun set as I journeyed home, the beauty of the coloured skies changing as I motored home, my journey long and slow making it feel like the slow peeling of elastplast, too slowly, increasing the pain of parting from fragile skin by its slowness.
And when I got home it was dark and chilly again, the night black, the air nippy and to be protected against.
And now I just wait....and hope that there will be another day of warmth and sunshine, another beautiful surprise in the coming season.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
He apparently did have me on his mind while he was away and this has caused him huge dilemma's. He broke his promise not to make contact and I received 4 messages from him.
In the couple of days after his return he imploded over the pain of it all and decided he had to be the man she thinks she is married to, not the man he has become with me.
Heartbroken, I let him go but voiced enormous concern for this gentle, soulful, wonderful man he has become and how he would destroy himself by trying to be the old self loathing man I first met (all by his own admission, not my words)
After 2 hideous days he said he couldn't envisage a life without me in it, he has said that he wishes to extricate himself from the marriage, but he can't storm in and explode with the news like a suicide bomber (a friend and I both talked him out of that one!), he has to do it in a way he feels is right and fair and honest.
In the meantime we are to remain 'friends' but not have a physical relationship. He has said he wants me to wait for him but understands if it is too painful and I can't. He says if I can't, when it is all over he will come and find me, even if only to thank me for uncovering a man that he himself actually likes.
We met again friday and we had a lovely day, we could no more have NOT kissed and hugged than we could have walked on water (tho when I am with him I feel I could) The 'problem' being that even our kisses, the way we touch and hold hands feels like love-making, I have said that even without the actual sex, we still feel like lovers.
I am trying my very hardest not to burden him with my terror, heartache, worry and insecurity. I think he is doing the same. At the same time neither of us want to alienate the other by not doing what we do so beautifully, communicate, share.
I know that all of this is not Femdom related, but this is the only place I can write that he does not read, I have close friends who know everything but one is suffering her own loss and I need to distance this hurt from her. Last night I chose to tell my husband what has gone on this week, the dilemma's we are both facing. For once he was actually quite good and did respond.
I will keep my comments and posts and chatroom activities as chirpy as possible but please forgive me for using here as a sounding board as this dreadful episode of my life unfolds.
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
My love and his wife have gone away today to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary. They had decided many many months ago that they would stop at this particular place on this particular event. It was booked way back in the spring despite him hinting that it was rather alot of money (nearly gave himself away there as he is usually a much complained about spend thrift and Mrs db keeps a tight hold on the household finances - ha a financial domme no less) and the day has festered away over the ensuing weeks, me dreading it utterly and poor db in a dreadful state because he feels he is betraying me when the high day and holiday marital sex takes place.
The day has arrived and I am writing words. Foolishly, stupidly, but words I want to put down because I am unable to put them in a text to him. I was so prepared for this morning, had dealt with the demons in my head, had taken on board the words he had spoken to me last week telling in quite graphic detail how 'things' were between them, I know in my heart that he is mine and that he loves me.
So why, oh why did I torture myself by looking at the hotel?
I have looked on several occasions, out of nosiness, curiosity but had not found any that seemed remotely as grand as he had implied. But last night, bored and out of morbid curiosity I googled 3 silly words. Place. Castle. Hotel.
And of course, this time, bingo. Just at the time I could really have done with failing I hit the jackpot, first time.
Oh what a mix of emotions.
It is magnificent and stunning and part of me will want to hear all about it and all the details. The rooms look incredible, the countryside beautiful, the tariffs terrifying. Of course I will get to hear about it, that is us, our chatter and our conversation, maybe not straight away but he will tell and I will ask all about the wondrous place he has visited. We share everything.
I imagined my lovely him there, with incredulous delight at all the castle-y bits and wanting to explore and discover hidden corners, I looked at the high-brow restaurant and wondered if he would enjoy it (hates getting formally dressed and it is very formal), the words of a story I wrote for him when I knew he would have to be suited and booted and how I would get him to comply if it were us that were going tumbling through my head and torn between hoping that they would flit through his mind too and not wanting them to while he is there.
The rooms are the stuff fairy tales are made of and in my head I can only imagine our delight at them, our fun with the size of the beds, the luxury of the bathrooms and the glamour of the surroundings and my heart ached wishing we could share an experience such as that.
In sensible moments a little later before I slept I lay exchanging text messages with him, I knew that as he said, I too would sooner be at our cheap Travelodge with him than in such sumptuous surroundings with anyone else, would prefer eating Domino’s pizza naked on the bed than sit dining in any highbrow hotel restaurant and when I wander around our country park with him, could I be in a more wondrous place, do I actually even notice where I am?
I fell asleep quicker than I expected and deeper than I hoped. But then I woke, around 3.30 and lay unsleeping, head in blurred sleepy over-drive, as heads tend to do in the wee hours when there is a lot going on in them. Not stressing over the logistics of it particularly, more so over the romance of it all. I know him. I know how he is with me and I know, that although he has said he is not that way with Mrs db, that he will want it to be and do everything in his power to make it the special day it should be. I know he will because that is him, this is what he does, it’s who he is and it is one of the things about him that I have fallen so deeply in love with. Those thoughts are a lot harder to deal with than the whys and wherefores of the location however brutal seeing the place had felt.
I eventually drifted back off to sleep to disturbed dreams but when I woke I felt ok, tired and my back stiff and sore but ok. Dreams felt surreal and strange but my head was ok. I had slept and survived and the day was here and I was ok. I watched my phone waiting for a morning message hardly daring to send one myself in case it got ignored (we have agreed not to text each other while he is away, the 30 hours or so he will be away being the longest time there has ever been between any kind of contact since we have met) but eventually I sent my morning hello and waited. What a relief when my little phone sprang to life a while later. Words from him, words expressing love and telling me he was awake and thinking of me, how I am trapped by the lure of those words. I was ok.
When everyone had gone I busied myself getting my tea and breakfast, feeding cats, unloading dishwasher and watching the clock tick round. When that last text came through saying he wouldn’t text again, that they were setting off I sobbed, great gut-wrenching-curled-in-corner-of-kitchen sobs, I cried out of fear and hurt and anguish and the knowledge that it was all now so out of my domain. It was agreed that there would be no contact as it was not fair on any of us but at this moment I would give anything for a moment of unfairness and be able to read his words.
I have got myself together and written these words. Of course I will survive. I won’t shrivell up into a blob and dissolve. It won’t have been the end of my world. I will still be breathing in and out. And I really do hope that he enjoys his time and it is not tarnished by feelings of guilt and betrayal for either of us. And secretly, selfishly, I pray with all my heart that she hasn’t got something up her sleeves that steal him back away from me.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Now some of you may think me very ungrateful. My darling db has just written the most beautiful words for me declaring his love, in his competition piece, his blog and in his comment on my profile. For those of you not of a romantic nature I would suggest avoiding them, they are intense and likely to induce nausea to you, to me they are wonderful, precious and incredible and I absorb every syllable.
But sometimes other things in the world come and bite me on the bum and despite the deep and (for now) unfading love of my delicious db it makes me feel a bit pants.
Tonight there are a few. Hmmm, which one to mention first. Ok in no particular order of importance.....
About 4 yrs ago I very foolishly lent some money to someone. I trusted them, misplaced trust for although there was a vague effort to repay at first I am still outstanding a lot of money which I have now given up any hope of seeing. This same person I was guarantor on a loan for, again at first this was paid regularly but it was then ignored and has now gone to a debt collectors who are increasingly contacting me. I feel afraid and angry and extremely foolish. I have ripped several strips off the offending person today but I need to get my head out of the sand and deal with this properly, seeking help if necessary.
I hate my job. Each week I go and do my 3 days and I mark off the days, the hours, the minutes. I have to find something else and there is nothing out there at the moment that is either suitable, pays enough or is the hours I want. I know that I should really work full time both for my own financial benefit and to help with household expenses but to do that would mean a serious reduction in the times I could be with db and for me that is already too few and far between.
My husband has got himself a lady friend. I don't blame him, hell I positively encouraged him too at one stage but (and this is my own fault for being nosey and its back fired on me rather ~ karma) I peeped in his phone today as he is quite secretive about his friendship with her (and is vague about where it may lead). There was a text from him telling her 'you are so special, so warm and so kind'.
I thought of all the years we have been together, the homes we have made, the babies we have made, the decisions and jobs I have supported him through, the occasions we have been through together and never once has he ever told me I was special or warm or kind (though I guess we can all be that when we want someone to like us) and it made me sad that we seemed to have run out of words for each other. I still tell him if he looks handsome or smart or happy but, as has become the norm, he never says a word.
Also I was hoping to see my db soon, it has been only 3 weeks but feels eons, he has his 10th anniversary coming up (yes I know he had one last year but hey its another year.. a lot has happened!!) and this year it has been decided they should have 'special' night away so I had hoped to see him before the big event so I could royally fuck his brains out and send him away exhausted and broken *evil snigger* (yer I'm a bitch...shoot me!) but it appears not to be possible so I must keep a smiley face, a zippy mouth and a plan my revenge for when I do see him next.
There....all the poo bits.....upward and onward so the saying goes.
Friday, 15 May 2009
Originally Posted - 10 Feb 2008
Well I am home, the much anticipated night away over, poof just like that, a little under 24 hours spent with My Love, a long drive back home and now what I can only describe as a feeling of vagueness and numbness.
I dare not succumb to it, to do so would make it not only very awkward at home but also diminish the wonderfulness of our time together and that I so desperately don’t want to do.
So many thoughts and feelings rushing through and into my head it almost makes me nauseous, some of them make me smile, deep urge to break out a giggle, some to wrap myself in the nearest warm cosy thing and lose myself, some send my pants and mind into melt down. Yes there are definitely three clear emotions to this weekend.
Love. Lust. Heartache.
And without this all being a mishmash of a blog it is difficult to write about so I shall break it down a little but I think it will probably end up very mushy cos that’s how I feel.
We met as arranged at our usual spot; it’s been four weeks since we were last together, when we meet, for me at least, there is the initial OMG moment when it FEELS like it’s been that long then overwhelmed by the sheer comfort of being with him. We drove to his place of work where it had been decided I would leave my car overnight, we put its little parking pass in place, popped my bags into the boot of his and although I did hear him say something about no bin liners this time I was concentrating on getting my two bags and making sure car was locked. My bags are heavy and large. He manages (as do most men) with a small rucksack type bag. You know the deal, toothbrush, clean pants, deodorant and clean t-shirt.
Me? Oh 2 lots of lingerie, 3 different tops in case I change my mind, spare shoes, hairdryer, straighteners, large toiletries bag, etc etc *blush* come on guys……it’s a girl thing!! Plus of course my bag of Tormentress’ toys!!
Now at this point I am going to go off at a bit of a tangent because I had asked him if he wanted to play a little on the run up to our night, he had agreed. At the beginning of the week I asked him to pick a number between 1 and 10. He picked his favourite magic number…..9. I also asked him if his panties and his MkIII contraption accessible, he said were.
Tuesday I gave him the list of the 10 toys we have now accumulated for play and told him as he had selected the number 9 he was to choose 1 toy to discard with regard to our play on Friday. He discarded the cuffs.
So….restraints, flogger, paddle, switch, butt plug, feeldoe, candles, pegs and cockring all still in play……
So when we met, kissed, sat together in the car, parked, had lunch, walked around the town browsing the shops and giggling together he was wearing the contraption, for me, because I had told him to, and occasionally I touched him, cupping him as we stood together looking at hideously priced handbags, brushing him with my body as we queued for coffee. Very powerful stuff, on my part at least and I’m sure he may elaborate more in his blog
All this aside, when we are together we have fun, easy comfortable, loved-up company. The world, our world is a very smiley, sexually charged, romantic, soppy, giggly place and it is wonderful, I feel very happy.
We checked into the hotel and found our room and then aaargh!!! I had left the restraints in the back of my car!! His throw away, ignored comment about black bin liners was because that is what they were wrapped in!! Had I paid more attention I would have realised but here we were 7 miles away from my car without them. Did I want them? Should he go back for them? It would only take about 40 minutes….?
I think for a moment we both went through that well do YOU want them? Neither of us wanting to say we did or didn’t in case that wasn’t what the other wanted but then I thought be honest!! It’s what we are based on, honesty! Yes I DID want them, I was gutted that they had been forgotten so I put on my assertive Tormentress head and said yes I wanted them and yes I would like him to go get them, off he trotted good obedient little slut that he is. A moment passed and I began to unpack my bag, then I was sorry I had sent him alone, I pushed open the stupid window as far as it would go (about 3 inches) and peered into the street just to see him disappear round the corner, utterly overwhelmed and with tears threatening I rang him……Stop!! Come back for me!! I want to come too!!
I didn’t want to be alone in a strange hotel, while the man I adore goes on an errand to retrieve something WE share, it is OUR game, OUR play, OUR fun and I wanted to be with him every moment I could be.
We met in the lift and walked happily together to the car park. I was so thrilled I had chosen to go, the journey was erotic, I raised the hem of my skirt a little exposing my stocking clad thigh and as we drove his handed rested and stroked me, both of us giggling as one of the poppers on his contraption snapped open under the strain as he touched me, we collect the restraints from my car and drove happily back to our place.
Our play is developing and progressing. I am getting much more confident in our play, that’s not to say I don’t fear hurting him too much, too long, too hard, but that I have begun to be more confident in the play we do.
Most of our play is so sexually charged the line between play and sex gets very blurred. I know the run up to us meeting is all very sexually orientated, most of our chat and discussion is around arousal and tease and this plays a large part in our play, it is a part that I adore, without it I am not sure how I would feel about it. I would have to ‘detach’ myself from it and that is something that as his lover I do not want to do.
I get a tremendous buzz from his submission, a lot of that because I see his reaction to it, I think that although not all the things I do are sexual there is huge sexual tension between us. I have suggested that perhaps one day we should play and I shall try resist playing in a sexual fashion and see how that alters the dynamics of it, I think it must do.
We played wonderfully on our return to our room. I am not going to go into a lot of detail, I feel quite strange writing about it when we haven’t discussed it fully ourselves and I would be assuming how it all made him feel and what were the highlights, we usually do that over a few days afterwards as to do so at the time, the dissection and analysing seems remote and spoils the mood of being with a lover but needless to say it was immense fun, exciting, intoxicating and exploratory. We played for almost 2 hours, I think possibly our longest scene yet, and this comes from my growing confidence.
Now, my wonderful play partner when horn induced lets his mind wonder in all sorts of directions and frequently despite his submissive tendencies he becomes very ‘switchy’
After our play was complete and we had lay together a while, had some juice and chatted he decided to turn the tables on me! He stood me in the middle of the room, carefully blindfolded me and explored. Now this is not scary or risqué or particularly naughty but until a few weeks ago being blindfolded and restrained was not something I had EVER experienced so it is a new and strange sensation for me. He slowly explored and touched and teased and then gently guided me to the bed and sat me on the edge, stretching me out and binding my arms above my head. Then among much chuckling he took his leg restraints and attached them to my own ankles. And there I was, spread before him, helpless and sightless making his exploration and touch of me exquisitely focussed upon. As I lost myself in his touch he reached out for my favourite toy (now there is a story to this but I will have to tell it in another blog or this will go on forever!) and twisting on the vibrate had me teased and squirming, all of me still so sensitive from the climax of HIS play now only to be taken to the edge again. Then another sensation, the small coldness of the vibrating bullet from his cockring pressed into my folds, glided rhythmically over my clit. Fuck! Slowly, then faster, only to slow again, then frantic, slow again…….
I came with mind blowing intensity, I shuddered and gasped and shed hot tears of release. He lay beside me the blindfold now off and cradled and kissed me as I came back down to earth. We lay a while and then he said “Do you think you could manage to roll over my love?” No I replied as he took my ankle restraints and gently rotated me over the edge of the bed! Ha ha! So now I am face down, bent over and still restrained!! He explored me in a fashion I have only ever fantasised about, fingers, and toys filling and fucking me. So intensely intimate, so amazingly erotic when you trust so implicitly the person you are playing with. It ended predictably filthily *grin* (but I did get my own back at the very end of the night, but again you will have to read his to find out)
And now the slushy bit
We rested, we showered and we readied ourselves for our evening out, wandering the busy streets filled with weekend revellers deciding where we should eat. We chose Pizza and sat opposite each other by the window overlooking the street below. It was strange to be across a table from him, not beside him, we are still very much at that nausea provoking stage where we have to be in touching and kissing distance of each other!
We returned to make love, no toys, and no games, just us.
But then a hateful morning, the sound of children’s voices outside in the corridor bringing us back to earth with a bump and I know that from that point I had lost him, I busied myself in coffee drinking but then we clung to each other not wanting to start the ritual of getting ready to leave. We had to get up and dress and ready ourselves to say goodbye once more. It seems to hurt a little more each time and today I have spent much of the time feeling fragile and more than a little hollow. There is so much more going on in my head and heart but I just don’t have the stomach to ponder it enough to be able to write about it, not yet when I feel so raw.
We are to meet again on Valentines Day and that is only a mere handful of days away and so I shall cling to that thought and the knowledge that I am loved and have had the most wonderful time with my darling DB, to dwell and allow this sadness to engulf me would spoil all that was magical and amazing and I can’t let that happen…….
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Originally Posted - around 30 Jan 2008
It was only a mere handful of days ago that I came to a quite astounding thought. I like myself.
Oh not the outside me, I weigh a lot more than I want to but I don’t feel that I can focus on that at the moment, but Me, I like Me. Everyone has traits that they know are not very nice, some choose to never acknowledge them or maybe are too self absorbed to see them but if we were all honest with ourselves we know where our failings lie. I am not going to dwell on mine or analyse and dissect them. I shall only say that since I have known db, specifically more recently I have realised that there a several of my negative traits that I am more aware of or that I have stopped and since I had this revelation last week it has made me think for the first time for years that I could actually like me.
But even with that thought firmly in my head I am today feeling low. Today’s blog is a head emptying exercise. I do not expect sympathy, comfort or comments particularly. At the moment I am not even sure if I will post it. It is just (hopefully) a cathartic outpouring that will act as a salve on my wounds.
I have discussed before whether these wounds are self inflicted and I suppose that depends on your view point. Those who have shared similar experiences, people who believe that fate deals her hand in strange ways or that some things are pre-ordained, or who try and justify the things they do by saying that it is ‘in the lap of the Gods’ will think that possibly the wounds I speak of are no fault of mine but a sad and painful by product of something beyond my control.
Any of you who believe that what I am doing and involved in is wrong, that I have of my own free will and with consciousness have chosen to embark on an affair while married and with a married man and that I should have had the strength and conviction to stop it will say that they are indeed self-inflicted, that it is so very much my own fault that there are days I feel as fragile as I do today.
Sadly I swing between the two camps.
There are three other places my head goes to, there is the one where I am sensible and grounded, that I can cope beautifully with all that goes on in my head, heart and soul, that I see that we should be grown up and mature and keep everything ticking along smoothly so as to maintain our wondrous world as long as is possible (we do after all talk of our future in terms of years not weeks or months) this is the world where my love affair makes my world a wonderful, happy and sensuous place, where we draw strength and comfort from one another just by being part of each others lives and where all the good things are so worth the occasional blip in the graph of happy thoughts.
Then there is our fantasy land J this has a beautiful white and purple bed, a replica of the one we first made love on, an orange sofa, a large fast motor bike. It has no financial problems at all and neither of us carries one jot of emotional baggage from our previous lives. We never have ex-spouses to deal with, no-one has an opinion on us, and we just are us. It’s a fantastic place; I’ve spent many a happy hour there.
Oh the third is not a happy place and I try and avoid going there as often as possible but it is most often hormone induced and so there are times, like now, when it is very hard to avoid. It is full of angst and impatience. While I am there I can see exactly what I am and what I am doing, there is a huge neon sign above my head that sparks and flashes intermittently like a cheap motel sign…….. “mistress” …… “other woman”…….. “bit on the side”, not pretty titles and ones I try not to dwell on.
Some times I visit all these places in one single day!! I can be positive and bright in the morning, spend lunch time in fantasy land, get myself lost and tormented by evening and go to bed feeling the most loved and cherished woman alive! Some days I convince myself I had no hand in this whatsoever. Why on that night did I add that particular person as a friend? Why did we click and fall for each other so quickly? Why couldn’t either of us help ourselves falling in love? On others I think that I’m a fool and I should have been strong, or be strong, that we both knew exactly what we were doing and that we chose to carry it on and have manipulated the situation to suit ourselves.
We get so caught up in Us. We can dress it up in all sorts of emotional, loved-up frills. “We are ‘soul mates’” “We adore each other” “Neither of us have ever been made or allowed to feel this way” “We have changed each other lives and the way we feel about ourselves” “We share a deep and intense real love”
But at the end of the day we are having an affair. I had already broken my wedding vows and been unfaithful, my husband knew that our marriage was having problems and is now fully aware of my lover, but I am hurting and damaging my family. If my lover were to be discovered who knows what would happen……but it would destroy him either way. How can I do this to someone I am so totally in love with?
So I am caught up today in this nasty old place and at times like this I feel I am going mad.
It was just one sentence that popped into my head while in the shower this morning that sort of encompassed the down side of how I see myself.
“I am just something that makes his home-Iife more bearable”
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Originally Posted - 25 Jan 2008
I was laying in my bed this morning pondering on how I was feeling (horny) and how I had felt yesterday (horny, jealous, wanting) and probably how I was going to spend the weekend feeling (horny, lonely, envious, longing) Not a good list really
You see my wonderful DB is indisposed (I love that term) He has leave days from work and is with his family, add to that he has run out of free minutes and texts on his phone and is desperate not to incur a question provoking bill and that his time on the pc is very limited with his daughters birthday looming and other commitments our contact is very sparse.
He loves me, I KNOW that, I have no doubt of his feelings for me and I know that I have nothing to worry, fret or be concerned over. I know that if he could he would be in constant contact via phone or MSN, I know ALL that. So why is it when there is so little contact I get all tetchy and grouchy, not with him, but with myself and my world.
And it led me to thinking about the 7 Deadly Sins and how many of them I now openly wallow in…….so I looked them up….
Lust is excessive sexual appetite. (Eerrm yes you could say I am guilty of that)
Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation. (Oooh yes another one, I know domestic life can be boring and tedious but I envy his wife, she gets to partake in the mundane with him)
Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires. (Tut yes I am a piggy and comfort eat when unhappy and feel out of control)
Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath. (Hmmm ok I am free of this one, not angry, not full of wrath)
Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness. (Nah once again not guilty, never really been a material type of girl)
Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work (Yep there's another one, I'm a lazy beastie and definitely avoid it if at all possible)
Pride is also known as vanity. (No this is one I don't suffer from. Not particularly proud of my own abilities or appearance and I certainly do not believe that there is any room for pride where love is concerned)
So there we have it…..4 out of 7……a little over 50%......a pass rate if it was positive things we were trying to achieve here! But they are not seen as good qualities to have so I guess that's a fail then.
Anyway while investigating these dreadful sins I came across their opposites – the Seven Holy Virtues….
Chastity is purity of body and thought. (Uumm no…….but love it when DB is in chastity)
Kindness is an admiration of others. (I can do kindness….to small animals, children and old folk)
Temperance is the practice of self-control, abstention, and moderation (Ooops failed again, but DB is so good at self control, when I tell him that is)
Forgiveness is composure and calm. (Not sure on this one, I'm sure I have the quality somewhere)
Charity is generosity, a willingness to give. ( Oh I love to give give give…..but sheesh there are times when it is SO good to be given!)
Diligence is a zealous and integrity in one's actions and work. (Hee hee I can be very diligent when the task in hand is something I am enthusiastic about)
Humility is modesty. (I know when to say sorry)
And so it occurred to me that in actual fact, crappy qualities or not, it appears to be quite fun at times to be sinful and that I should focus on the more entertaining of the deadly sins with a healthy mix of the virtues!!
I think between us we can have a sinfully virtuous time
(I would also like to add at this point before I post that this was written very 'tongue in cheek' at the time!)
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
I have had my weekend. There, all over, all those days of waiting and counting down and longing. Gone. ..
Days spent wishing the hours to speed by and then hoping miraculously to be able to slow them when the time finally comes. But they seem to rush on with the same speedy momentum that you have willed upon them in the preceding time. It's a bugger that!
Anyway, all the wishing and longing completed. I set off Saturday morning to meet my Love, the day bright and sunny, the motorways clear and me excited and happy.
Oh so many memories! Where to start?!?
Well let's see. We met at lunch time and went into town for something to eat, while there I presented him with a 'Contract' to mark our D/s relationship. Now of course some of you regular readers (yer that means you) may remember me saying a while back that I had asked him to have his left nipple pierced as a mark of 'Us', aaah well what I hadn't realised when I asked (and he omitted to tell me at the time) was his total terror at the thought of needles, it was only when the time we were to meet and his piercing was imminent that he told me of this fact. Now being a benevolent Tormentress (and not wanting our first night spent together to be ruined by the utter panic he was feeling) I allowed him to renege on his promise. I was disappointed but was more concerned for his well-being (and of course that of the poor person responsible for inserting a needle through his wimpy flesh!).
But I wanted to mark our 'play', his submission to me, with something that was solid and real so over quite a while I had created a contract for us both to agree on and sign. It hadn't seemed relevant before we had some experience of real play, but now of course we have and it does.
He sat and read it through, his face unreadable at times, but scattered with the smiles and the occasional incredulous look. We talked about the promise we were both making and we duly signed and dated it. He was a happy slut…… (Lmao! I think (hell I KNOW) we offended a mother with her young son by kissing at the table!)
We went shopping, we browsed and giggled and mooched together. We went to Ann Summers (the 'respectable' face of the sex business) and meandered between the rows and shelves of lingerie, discussed the toys, read the books (decided we already did all the sex tips lol) and made a purchase…….. Silly really but it was exciting, the first time that either of us had been in such a store with a partner, someone who would be sharing the benefits of any purchases….
We left the shop and were possibly spotted by one of his colleagues…..hmmm could prove an interesting conversation over coffee at work on Monday!
We headed for our 'home' for the next 24 hours and checked in.
My plan was to play and I had told him that as soon as we arrived within our room he would kneel and submit to me and he did so beautifully as soon as instructed, before me and with head bowed. I was determined that our natural lust and desire for each other would not consume us and distract me from our play, but jeez he takes some resisting (and I swear he uses my weakness for him to try and distract me!) But I was a strong Tormentress and used his need for me to tease him further….
As always I am not going to elaborate (I don't wish to offend you delicate folk), and as I have previously said I only do, he gets 'done' so to speak, I know he intends to divulge details and that is wonderful but I am not going to, but we had great fun, it is wonderfully powerful and intoxicating, his submission thrills me, it is unquestioning and total and very erotic.
What I will admit to is my first 'mistake' as his Tormentress. I hurt him. Now this is actually sillier than it sounds and the irony of it not lost on either of us.
I had teased and tormented him, denied and bound him. I had with me the restraints that I had created. Two lengths of 3' doweling, leather straps at either end for wrists and ankles, a heavy leather collar in the centre of one for around his neck (with a dog tag reading 'slut' suspended from it) and had him stood in the corner while I had marked his flesh with both my paddle and flogger, I had manoeuvred him spread-eagled onto the bed where I had pegged his so sensitive nipples and his balls, teased him further as he squirmed beneath me and then trickled hot wax across him. And then I did something that hurt him. It sounds bizarre I know. But I was mortified.
He read the look of distress on my face as clearly as I had read the pain on his. I was upset, he wanted to comfort me but was strapped down, I clung to him and he wriggled to hold me tight in one arm and I gently released him. We clung to each other. Play ended.
It was a shame but we were very nearly at the end of the scene so not much missed out on, fortunately it only briefly marred what had been a very wonderful time. It was just such a strange feeling to experience such gut-wrenching sorrow for causing hurt where none was intended. It was purely down to my error and inexperience but it highlighted just how different consensual pain infliction is to proper hurt. A lesson learnt.
We spent the rest of our time love-making, pizza-eating, wine-slurping and our usual mix of chatter and gossip, giggling and laughter, love and fun. We fell asleep wrapped in each other and waking in the early hours I lay watching him sleep by the light of my mobile phone (he tells me this evening he did the same *blush*) there right next to me, the man I adore, his breath steady and deep in slumber, his face serene and relaxed while I lay and gazed at him.
The goodbyes feel harder and are a strange mix of faux joviality and longing, but wonderfully we already have another night arranged, in just 4 weeks and so my count down starts again………..
Monday, 11 May 2009
Originally Posted - 5 Jan 2008
So there have been rather a lot of blogs. My first blog seems so very long ago, almost 15 months in fact. I have blogged much of how my life has spent and over the months the subject matter has altered. It has gone from the day to day dealings in my work, home and social life, to dissecting and recording the demise of my marriage. Then of course there were my attempts at erotic writing, initially these were for the benefit of one man who you all know has become a huge part of my life, the delicious DB, but I ended up blogging them, sometimes a while after they had been written for him. Sometimes they were just put there to surprise him but I guess they were written for entertainment value (they entertained me!)
Most of the blogs I have written were simply just to put down my thoughts and ponderings on what is going on in my life, some I have found very cathartic to write, some have just unwound thoughts in my head as I type, some have felt like diary entries, there to record an event or happening.
I do sometimes look back and re-read the earlier ones, just to remind myself where I was at or how I was feeling at certain times, to remind myself how far I have come. My girlie nights out, my family, my work and colleagues, my lover and my exploration into the world of Femdom has all been recorded and diarized and what drove me to sit here at the pc this morning contemplating the content of my latest blog was the unravelling of a conversation I had with my husband last night. Now I don't need to go over old ground to remind you where things are at in my life with regard to my marriage and my affair but to say I am a little head-fucked is a slight understatement.
As any of you who have children (especially teenagers who do not go to bed at the allotted time slot and who take over the whole house unbidden) finding any privacy to talk with each other is very difficult. So finding ourselves without either of our luscious daughters at dinner time and for the duration of the evening I decided to broach the subject of our relationship once more and see if he had any thoughts on where it may all end up.
I asked him whether he saw us remaining together merely as friends or whether he wanted the relationship to still be physical. He replied physical to which I raised my eyebrows! At this point I have to go back a few days and tell you that hubby and I very nearly got jiggy…… We lay there in bed the other morning and what started out as rubbing my lower back (still knackered bed is doing me no good and was in pain) progressed to intimate touching, I allowed it to carry on rather pleasantly as I don't feel I can continually reject the man who is allowing me to carry on an affair right under his nose and I thought what the hell, if he's up for it…….and that is where the problem lay, he wasn't UP for it or not up enough so we slowed it down, I gave him a hand-job and stopped (although willing I wasn't THAT enthusiastic – just being a bit of an opportunist) We never discussed it further.
So when he said he wanted it to still be physical I was a little confused. I asked what had happened the other morning, expecting him to say that did I actually expect him to be able to perform when he had visions of me and my lover together!….but no, he said it had nothing to do with us (that does ring true because we had problems in this department way before my affair) and that he was intimidated by me sexually and had lost all his confidence. I was puzzled. Intimidated? INTIMIDATED? I really don't get it and he was unable to explain further. I mean, I know that my sex life now involves a paddle and restraints (ooh naughty snigger) but that isn't something that I have ever done with him nor would I want to, I have only ever been an enthusiastic lover who ached to be matched in that enthusiasm and sadly hasn't been for a long time and who eventually decided to stop trying. I am a gentle lover who for all of her adult life has followed the lead of her partner, adventurous partner – adventurous Denny, boring partner – boring (and bored) Denny. I made love when I was approached, which has never been as often as I would have liked and has led to feelings of rejection and self-doubt over the years and so maybe that is the answer, maybe that now I am older, have been on my happy pills, have had counselling, now my confidence has grown and I am strong enough to say "This is what I want….", that when I have wanted sex I have instigated it (although as I said I have now stopped – we have had sex 4 times in the last year) maybe it is that that has made me seem intimidating? But when he is unable or unwilling to explain how do I know? I know that we could possibly work through this problem, if I had the heart and the stomach for it I could maybe help, but I don't and the thought actually makes me feel……..well almost repulsed.
I thought after it had happened that a year ago I would have been devastated, taken it as all my fault, that I was not fanciable any more, that I wasn't desirable, that I was too old, too fat, too…….anything but that it was definitely me. Fortunately (at least for my sanity, self respect and esteem) I have a man in my life who finds me very sexy, very desirable and very fanciable, and for most of the time we're together finds it almost impossible to hide the very-physical effect I have on him, so at least for now my self-worth is intact.
So back to our discussion last night, he reiterated that it was not the thought of my lover that was his problem, he insists that when we first together and I was the paranoid new girlfriend having to deal with his (numerous) exes, that he had said then that 'man' was never meant to be monogamous, that it was societies and the churches way of controlling what was viewed by them as the hedonistic ways of man but that I had pooh-poohed that and insisted we were meant to be faithful (hell I had just bought a house with the man in the hope he was going to father my babies! I wasn't going to encourage him!) I really can't remember this conversation or line of thinking but if it makes my life easier now I shall embrace it. He says he knows that I love my lover and that he feels sorry for his wife as she is going through the motions unknowing, I agreed but surmised that she may not 'know' but that if she actually has anything about her (and I am informed by my Love that she does) that she cannot possibly believe that their marriage is perfect, its just they choose to ignore it for reasons only known to them and that I too feel guilt for her at times, hubby said I wasn't to as it isn't my problem (another surprise!).
I asked him why, if he was so ok with it all and still had this idea that monogamy was un-natural (it also speaks volumes that I now agree with him!) why he didn't speak to any of his closest friends about it, if he could confidently say that it wasn't a problem for him why didn't he tell them what was going on (he has confided to his brother but no-one else). He replied that he would he just wasn't ready to yet and I can understand that. He said he is just taking things one day at a time.
This is all very 'noble' of him but it really has fucked with my head (I'm not so up my own arse that I don't consider that it is fucking with his too!) I am not sure how to react, as I previously wrote, his anger, fury, hatred, and revulsion of me I could understand and although not pleasant I would have to deal with, this understanding, acceptance and tolerance is really hard to comprehend and live with.
Anyway, they are my thoughts for today’s blog.
Will I subject you more? Yer damn right I will, whether you read them or not is up to you! I love writing and recording my thoughts and feelings, it helps sort things in my head sometimes, so you will have more to read….sorry folks x