Originally Posted - 20 Dec 2007
One of my MySpace friends wrote a blog the other day and it set me thinking. He is in, what is proving to be, a very satisfying and rewarding pairing with a Mistress. Yes that's right, he is a submissive male and after a couple of not so rewarding dealings with former Mistresses, he has now found himself submitting to a lady who is has become very attached to and who is making him very happy. It is not a romantic attachment, it is not a live-in relationship, and it is strictly a dominant Mistress and her slave. (Don't really like that term myself but it'll do for this purpose)
Below is an excerpt from one of his recent blogs which I asked him if I could use and which was the catalyst for my present ramblings…..
"….. you're only SUPPOSED to be with someone because you 'Love' them and IT should be the motivator behind such relationships, I've been in plenty of relationships in which people said they 'Loved' me. Generally it was the prelude to getting boned. Point is, the people I was interacting with in one way or another did horrible things to me (Not all of it was a conscious choice; some of it was just them being themselves).
Now, Mistress doesn't 'Love' me in that sense. But she does treat me with respect and courtesy, takes my needs into account, gives me affection and attention and is open, honest and supportive of me. …………She doesn't abuse her authority over me or take me for granted. In short, she treats me how I WISH all my other sig others had. Not just the scene ones either.
And yet, she doesn't 'love' me. So, by way of my indoctrination as a youth, what we're doing is wrong. It doesn't matter that I'm happy (deliriously so) OR that Mistress is treating me so consistently wonderfully. Mistress may be doing the right things, but they are for the wrong reasons. To want to control another person isn't right is it? And wanting to BE controlled by someone else is equally wrong. Grin."
And this has set me thinking…..
As most of you who read this jibberish know, I am having an affair. It started on here and when we met it was smutty-message and rampant libido based. He told me almost at the onset of his fascination and curiosity for the idea of being a 'submissive', to be at the whim and control of a dominant woman. I, in turn, had no idea quite what this entailed but agreed to give it a go and we would play some fun task and tease games online.
Of course this is all history now, we have got involved, fell in love and met in real life, all of which we had no intention of doing when we first had online contact. What was supposed to be a bit of a distraction from the boredom of my dying marriage for me and the frustration of a sexless one on his part, has become an intense real life love affair.
I love being in love, I adore the feelings it provokes, that wonderful adrenalin rush at the thought of being with that someone, the excitement at the prospect of seeing them, the glorious glow and rush you get from feeling cherished and precious and truly loved. I can honestly say that I never thought I would fall in love and feel loved like this ever again and it is incredible.
But all this set me to thinking about relationships in general.
It was that last sentence that set me thinking "To want to control another person isn't right is it? And wanting to BE controlled by someone else is equally wrong"
We ALL control or are controlled in some form or other. What he is referring to specifically is a slave and their Dominant but even in vanilla relationships, marriages, same-gender couplings there is one partner who has more control than the other, who naturally and from the start takes the lead and becomes the dominant partner, the one who 'wears the trousers'.
When we first meet our 'loves' we gladly surrender to them, we adapt our behaviour, we watch our bad habits, and we sacrifice some of the things that make us happy to become the person we want our lover to love. And in doing so we compromise who we really are. When the relationship is new and young and we are in this fantastic flush of new sacrificial love and lust, we don't mind making these changes, hell we even relish doing, becoming, morphing into this other half of the longed-for-loved-up couple.
Does the dominant partner make fewer changes? Fewer sacrifices? Is it only the more submissive half of the two that bends themselves to accommodate the new couple status?
I don't think it is.
I have lots of opinions with regard to My Loves marriage, most of them I keep firmly to myself, there are occasional splutters of comments that burst forth from me but generally speaking I keep counsel when it comes to the spouse of my lover. He knows I have issues with the way he submits to her, not in a sexual way, that is My arena, but in every day life. It irritates me that he is not free to do the things he enjoys doing, the way his time is dictated, the way he is made to feel guilty for wishing to have any time to himself and yet I recognize myself in her.
I have always been the one to wear the trousers in my marriage, I have said before I don't think I set out to be the dominant one, in fact I think at the beginning I was very in awe of him and it could so easily gone the other way had he been a different man. I know over the years I have been demanding and expected much from him just as 'wife' does of my Love. It has made me look at me as an outsider might do.
I know he sometimes feels he has altered his ways, compromised the fun, flippant man he is, stopped indulging in things he gets pleasure from and not been totally true to his sexual nature. But as dominant as I seem to have become, as I seem to have been allowed to become in my marriage I still feel I have molded myself into what I was expected to be.
He is My submissive. At least when it comes to our D/s play he is. I am in control. I do the instructing. Generally I set the scene, the play and the game (tho he has been known to try turning the tables, which makes us both giggle afterwards) But in everything else to do with us we are equal, I want to break the mold for both of us. We are in a unique situation in that, without the prospect of us being potential 'couple' material, we were totally open and honest with each other at the very beginning and by the time we were in love we had already told each other virtually all there was to know. There was no going back and saying 'ooh you know that thing I told you I really fancied trying…' or 'remember I confessed that I feel like this when…' well its all not true….it was there, all out in the open.
I don't think it is wrong or right to control or want to be controlled, its human nature, in fact its not, its animal instinct, I just don't want to do it any more and in a way our play allows me to strive to be equal in all other areas of 'us'