Sunday, 31 May 2009

Lost Love

Originally Posted - 1 Oct 2008

Well, it’s over.

Tonight I ended my affair with db. Why? Because it was killing him. Over the last 2 weeks he has faced the most hideous dilemma. Despite the fact that we have been together almost 2 years it is something that has never been easy for him, the lies, the deceit, the adultery and he decided he couldn’t do it any longer. Not because he loved his wife more than he loved me, not because he thought he’d be happier without me, but because he is a good man and craved a life that was right, honest and responsible.

He ended things with me.

Within 2 days we were declaring love that couldn’t be ended and he asked me, if I could, if I would wait until he had extricated himself gently from his marriage. I agreed so desperate not to lose the man I love more than any other.

But he has 2 beautiful young children and although I agreed and promised I would try to wait for him for as long as it took, I knew deep in my heart that whether it took a week, a month or a year that the outcome would be the same, he would have to stay and that to take him from them would break and destroy the wonderful, glorious man who I have woven into my life over the last 23 months.

So over this last week we have met twice, clinging and talking, we have spoken for hours and over the days I have seen him falling apart and it broke me in two.

I have set him free. I have lost my best friend, my lover and my submissive, we are both still in shock and terrified of the void in our lives, we are still in contact though both aware we have to be weaned off each other.

I have done this because he is the love of my life, because having to decide between us was tearing him apart. I know he feels a certain sense of relief that he doesn’t have to make the decision himself and I don’t blame him (I was hoping for the same from my husband). I know that he also feels he has betrayed and let me down.

I will not leave the website we joined, although I was a Domme for him and him alone, I have made some wonderful friends there. It is still a place where I feel 'at home' and that has travelled the last few months of my journey with me, with us. There are parts of the blogs and forum I dare not read, his words of love for me, but one day I will be able to and draw comfort from the fact that I have shared a period in my life more wonderful than some will ever have the pleasure of knowing.

So please forgive me if I don’t post very much, or post too much, or it makes little sense. Not much in my life makes much sense to me at the moment when I have just lost the person who knows me so completely I feel I have lost half of me.

I will love you always my darling db and I will try to be the brave strong person that you always believed me to be, on condition that you never give up the truly warm beautiful man that you are and that you strive for happiness. We both have to find something positive out of this otherwise our wondrous love will have been in vain.

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