Origially Written - 24 Sept 2008
He apparently did have me on his mind while he was away and this has caused him huge dilemma's. He broke his promise not to make contact and I received 4 messages from him.
In the couple of days after his return he imploded over the pain of it all and decided he had to be the man she thinks she is married to, not the man he has become with me.
Heartbroken, I let him go but voiced enormous concern for this gentle, soulful, wonderful man he has become and how he would destroy himself by trying to be the old self loathing man I first met (all by his own admission, not my words)
After 2 hideous days he said he couldn't envisage a life without me in it, he has said that he wishes to extricate himself from the marriage, but he can't storm in and explode with the news like a suicide bomber (a friend and I both talked him out of that one!), he has to do it in a way he feels is right and fair and honest.
In the meantime we are to remain 'friends' but not have a physical relationship. He has said he wants me to wait for him but understands if it is too painful and I can't. He says if I can't, when it is all over he will come and find me, even if only to thank me for uncovering a man that he himself actually likes.
We met again friday and we had a lovely day, we could no more have NOT kissed and hugged than we could have walked on water (tho when I am with him I feel I could) The 'problem' being that even our kisses, the way we touch and hold hands feels like love-making, I have said that even without the actual sex, we still feel like lovers.
I am trying my very hardest not to burden him with my terror, heartache, worry and insecurity. I think he is doing the same. At the same time neither of us want to alienate the other by not doing what we do so beautifully, communicate, share.
I know that all of this is not Femdom related, but this is the only place I can write that he does not read, I have close friends who know everything but one is suffering her own loss and I need to distance this hurt from her. Last night I chose to tell my husband what has gone on this week, the dilemma's we are both facing. For once he was actually quite good and did respond.
I will keep my comments and posts and chatroom activities as chirpy as possible but please forgive me for using here as a sounding board as this dreadful episode of my life unfolds.