Originally Posted - 8 Sept 2008
Now some of you may think me very ungrateful. My darling db has just written the most beautiful words for me declaring his love, in his competition piece, his blog and in his comment on my profile. For those of you not of a romantic nature I would suggest avoiding them, they are intense and likely to induce nausea to you, to me they are wonderful, precious and incredible and I absorb every syllable.
But sometimes other things in the world come and bite me on the bum and despite the deep and (for now) unfading love of my delicious db it makes me feel a bit pants.
Tonight there are a few. Hmmm, which one to mention first. Ok in no particular order of importance.....
About 4 yrs ago I very foolishly lent some money to someone. I trusted them, misplaced trust for although there was a vague effort to repay at first I am still outstanding a lot of money which I have now given up any hope of seeing. This same person I was guarantor on a loan for, again at first this was paid regularly but it was then ignored and has now gone to a debt collectors who are increasingly contacting me. I feel afraid and angry and extremely foolish. I have ripped several strips off the offending person today but I need to get my head out of the sand and deal with this properly, seeking help if necessary.
I hate my job. Each week I go and do my 3 days and I mark off the days, the hours, the minutes. I have to find something else and there is nothing out there at the moment that is either suitable, pays enough or is the hours I want. I know that I should really work full time both for my own financial benefit and to help with household expenses but to do that would mean a serious reduction in the times I could be with db and for me that is already too few and far between.
My husband has got himself a lady friend. I don't blame him, hell I positively encouraged him too at one stage but (and this is my own fault for being nosey and its back fired on me rather ~ karma) I peeped in his phone today as he is quite secretive about his friendship with her (and is vague about where it may lead). There was a text from him telling her 'you are so special, so warm and so kind'.
I thought of all the years we have been together, the homes we have made, the babies we have made, the decisions and jobs I have supported him through, the occasions we have been through together and never once has he ever told me I was special or warm or kind (though I guess we can all be that when we want someone to like us) and it made me sad that we seemed to have run out of words for each other. I still tell him if he looks handsome or smart or happy but, as has become the norm, he never says a word.
Also I was hoping to see my db soon, it has been only 3 weeks but feels eons, he has his 10th anniversary coming up (yes I know he had one last year but hey its another year.. a lot has happened!!) and this year it has been decided they should have 'special' night away so I had hoped to see him before the big event so I could royally fuck his brains out and send him away exhausted and broken *evil snigger* (yer I'm a bitch...shoot me!) but it appears not to be possible so I must keep a smiley face, a zippy mouth and a plan my revenge for when I do see him next.
There....all the poo bits.....upward and onward so the saying goes.