Thursday, 14 May 2009

A Bearable Life

Originally Posted - around 30 Jan 2008

It was only a mere handful of days ago that I came to a quite astounding thought. I like myself.

Oh not the outside me, I weigh a lot more than I want to but I don’t feel that I can focus on that at the moment, but Me, I like Me. Everyone has traits that they know are not very nice, some choose to never acknowledge them or maybe are too self absorbed to see them but if we were all honest with ourselves we know where our failings lie. I am not going to dwell on mine or analyse and dissect them. I shall only say that since I have known db, specifically more recently I have realised that there a several of my negative traits that I am more aware of or that I have stopped and since I had this revelation last week it has made me think for the first time for years that I could actually like me.

But even with that thought firmly in my head I am today feeling low. Today’s blog is a head emptying exercise. I do not expect sympathy, comfort or comments particularly. At the moment I am not even sure if I will post it. It is just (hopefully) a cathartic outpouring that will act as a salve on my wounds.

I have discussed before whether these wounds are self inflicted and I suppose that depends on your view point. Those who have shared similar experiences, people who believe that fate deals her hand in strange ways or that some things are pre-ordained, or who try and justify the things they do by saying that it is ‘in the lap of the Gods’ will think that possibly the wounds I speak of are no fault of mine but a sad and painful by product of something beyond my control.

Any of you who believe that what I am doing and involved in is wrong, that I have of my own free will and with consciousness have chosen to embark on an affair while married and with a married man and that I should have had the strength and conviction to stop it will say that they are indeed self-inflicted, that it is so very much my own fault that there are days I feel as fragile as I do today.

Sadly I swing between the two camps.

There are three other places my head goes to, there is the one where I am sensible and grounded, that I can cope beautifully with all that goes on in my head, heart and soul, that I see that we should be grown up and mature and keep everything ticking along smoothly so as to maintain our wondrous world as long as is possible (we do after all talk of our future in terms of years not weeks or months) this is the world where my love affair makes my world a wonderful, happy and sensuous place, where we draw strength and comfort from one another just by being part of each others lives and where all the good things are so worth the occasional blip in the graph of happy thoughts.

Then there is our fantasy land J this has a beautiful white and purple bed, a replica of the one we first made love on, an orange sofa, a large fast motor bike. It has no financial problems at all and neither of us carries one jot of emotional baggage from our previous lives. We never have ex-spouses to deal with, no-one has an opinion on us, and we just are us. It’s a fantastic place; I’ve spent many a happy hour there.

Oh the third is not a happy place and I try and avoid going there as often as possible but it is most often hormone induced and so there are times, like now, when it is very hard to avoid. It is full of angst and impatience. While I am there I can see exactly what I am and what I am doing, there is a huge neon sign above my head that sparks and flashes intermittently like a cheap motel sign…….. “mistress” …… “other woman”…….. “bit on the side”, not pretty titles and ones I try not to dwell on.

Some times I visit all these places in one single day!! I can be positive and bright in the morning, spend lunch time in fantasy land, get myself lost and tormented by evening and go to bed feeling the most loved and cherished woman alive! Some days I convince myself I had no hand in this whatsoever. Why on that night did I add that particular person as a friend? Why did we click and fall for each other so quickly? Why couldn’t either of us help ourselves falling in love? On others I think that I’m a fool and I should have been strong, or be strong, that we both knew exactly what we were doing and that we chose to carry it on and have manipulated the situation to suit ourselves.

We get so caught up in Us. We can dress it up in all sorts of emotional, loved-up frills. “We are ‘soul mates’” “We adore each other” “Neither of us have ever been made or allowed to feel this way” “We have changed each other lives and the way we feel about ourselves” “We share a deep and intense real love”

But at the end of the day we are having an affair. I had already broken my wedding vows and been unfaithful, my husband knew that our marriage was having problems and is now fully aware of my lover, but I am hurting and damaging my family. If my lover were to be discovered who knows what would happen……but it would destroy him either way. How can I do this to someone I am so totally in love with?

So I am caught up today in this nasty old place and at times like this I feel I am going mad.

It was just one sentence that popped into my head while in the shower this morning that sort of encompassed the down side of how I see myself.

“I am just something that makes his home-Iife more bearable”

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