Sunday, 21 November 2010

Someone Like You........

This is a truly beautiful song, I love her voice and the lyrics to this are just wonderfully poignant for me...
I hope you enjoy........


Monday, 15 November 2010

A Terrible End of a Beautiful Life

This is really hard to write. My head has been full of so much stuff over the last few weeks and yet despite the fact that this is the precise reason I started this blog, to anonymously vent into the void of the World Wide Weird, I haven't been able to put down the thought patterns, processes and consuming ideas into real words.

Lets start at the beginning, or is it the end? The main focus and purpose of this here blog was to decipher cerebral ramblings and untangle the web of hurt I had found myself in.....or had I wrapped myself in it? Who knows, it all feels pretty irrelevant at the moment, and yet it does still tinge all my thoughts and emotions.

October 1st was to be the day that I was to meet K after our self imposed quarantine from each other. From my perspective I had given him the space I had presumed he needed, space to succeed or fail with getting relationship clearer, for me it gave me breathing space a little and although as I wrote, I found it incredibly hard at first, I did get used to it knowing that I had a firm date to see him again.

From his perspective it seems he felt I was waiting for a response, a decision as to whether he could still find a way for us to be together or whether he was going to 'make' his marriage work.

We had a afternoon together, we chatted, laughed and cried. He told me that he couldn't be with me, that he loved me but that he had to be with his children and ultimately, because of his certain desire to be a 'family man', the mother of his children. I accepted it. What else could I do? We toyed gently with the idea of both trying to remain friends while at the same admitting that neither of us knew if this was possible for either of our heads or hearts.

Three days later my darling Mum was admitted back into hospital with heart failure. And this is where my writing will become a little erratic so I forewarn you now, that this is a jumble of fact, regret, wishes and what-ifs.......

As I previously wrote, Mum had a pacemaker fitted back in July when we were told her heart and arteries were severely damaged and the pacemaker was the only option they could take as it was too risky to perform more invasive surgery. On Monday 4 October the ambulance took her into the A&E Department at 10.30am. My Dad rang me when he knew I would be home from work at 5.30pm, I went straight to see him. He was a bit upset that when he had rang the hospital she had still been in A&E and they hadn't located a bed for her. I rang the hospital, it 6.15pm and she was still in the Accident & Emergency bays. Not in the Decisions Unit Ward I asked the staff nurse? No, we have no beds and we decided it would be better for her to be where we could see her..... But she is 84, alone, suffering from heart failure and has now been in your department since 10.30 this morning! Yes, I'm afraid so..... And do you think that is acceptable?? No its not ideal I'm afraid.....But an ambulance crew has just arrived this minute to take her to the other hospital......

Dad and I went to the other hospital to meet her when she got there, we stayed till after 10 at night when it was obvious we were in the way and they would get her into a proper bed as soon as they could. Twelve hours on a trolley......... God bless her, not one complaint.....

I visited her Monday night, and Tuesday night and Wednesday night, when she was in good spirits and bright, sitting by the bed, dressed, made-up and making us laugh out loud at her observations of hospital life, all spoken rather too loudly to be discreet which amused my girls all the more! I text K on the way home to say how much brighter she was and how I felt happier after seeing her that night.

Thursday at about 5pm before I could visit her she suffered a stroke. Apparently a clot from her damaged heart had caused it. Dad and I rushed to the hospital as soon as we got the word. Oh what a mess, what a different Mum we found! Propped up in the bed, incoherent, wig removed, teeth removed, in a hospital gown, distressed and agitated. We spoke to her, she knew we were there, she wanted to pee but refused point blank to use a bed pan saying she was in her chair at home and Dad would be cross if she wet it. No amount of persuasion from either me or Dad could convince her otherwise. She became more and more distressed and finally after what seemed like hours they catheterised her.

Still she shrieked and wailed and thrashed about not believing that she didn't need to sit on a toilet. I stopped the night with her. I got one hours sleep,so did the rest of the ward, after I finally convinced the registrar to sedate her for her own sake as surely being so agitated wasn't good for her.....

I'd called my brother the previous night and told him what had happened, so at 7am my Dad came to take over from me and I went home to shower, breakfast, rest and wait for my brother to arrive from Wales. We returned to the hospital.

She was transferred back to the original hospital now as a stroke patient, she was examined and we were gently told there was little hope and we were to expect the worse. My girls came to visit her despite my Dad not wanting them to see her like that, I felt that they were grown up enough to face it, they were both in tears but she was thrilled to know they were there. They told her they loved her and she told them she loved them too. They were so distraught when they left I was left wondering whether I had done the right thing, until about an hour later I got a text from my eldest to say they were so glad they had come, that they could still see their Nana there and were happy they had been able to hold her and kiss her.

They moved her to a side room.

She couldn't feel or move her left leg and arm with any control, she couldn't see well and her left eye never opened fully, her speech was slurred and she failed each 'swallow test' they did on her and after 4 days they put in a feeding tube and began to treat her for a chest infection that was brewing. She got weaker each day, barely opened her eyes. The upside of this was that she became too weak to thrash about, she had already taken chunks out of both her shins kicking her legs about while so terribly agitated and it took another day for them to locate 'bumpers' to cover the cot sides to protect her. Some nurses would ensure that the pillows were pushed between bed sides and mattress to keep her safe then another would come in to change the bed and not put them back! More bumps, more bruises, more blood stained sheets and so it went on.

I watched as my warm, beautiful, radiant Mummy faded away. We sat with her for almost 12 hours a day that first weekend, Dad and my brother relieving me for 2 or 3 hours at a time, I hated leaving her at night as I feared it would the last time I saw her. She dreamt vividly and was fully aware of her predicament. One evening sitting beside her I suddenly had this terrible fear that this bloody pacemaker was keeping her alive!! She should have gone, she should be at peace and that fucking thing sent its electric pulses into her irreparably damaged heart and kept her alive!! I was so upset and angry! I dashed home and googled and was partially reassured when it told me that a pacemaker only had the ability to 'pace' healthy heart tissue, that once heart tissue was truly dead it couldn't make it beat. But still I was tormented that it was stopping her from having a swifter, more dignified end.

More sitting beside her while she alternated between gasping desperately for breath and not breathing at all despite the permanent oxygen feed. The Consultant told me it was the way with a brain damaged by stroke, the bodies finely tuned breathing mechanism was buggered, so instead of even breaths ensuring oxygen levels remained stable the brain stopped the body breathing when oxygen levels rose and when they dropped they would start this pattern of gasped breaths till the levels were sufficient again. It made it slightly less heartbreaking to watch. I was told that evening that her organs were failing, we knew for certain then that there was no hope. And it was a relief......

What would we have done with her if she were to survive, she was trapped in this body that had let her down, still with a catheter, in diapers now she was being fed, couldn't eat, couldn't move, could barely talk, drifting in and out of consciousness the whole time....shit what sort of existence was that?!? You wouldn't keep an animal alive like that and yet there they were still treating her and feeding her and talking like we had decisions to make about her future!

On day 6 I took compassionate leave from work (though I had only been there 2 afternoons anyway) and sat by her bed from early morning till late at night. When she stirred she knew I was there, I brushed her baby fine hair and washed and moisturised her face when she woke, I moistened her mouth with wet swabs and coated her lips in a soft salve, she knew I was there as I held her hand for countless hours and talked gently to her when she woke wanting to know what time it was, what day it was, had my nephews baby been born yet,  where was my Dad, how were my girls. Dad came and sat with her for the afternoons, I watched as he held her hand, called her darling and smoothed her face, kissing her mouth when he left, a love affair that had lasted a lifetime, the only woman he had ever 'known'...... I felt his heart breaking as he watched her.

On the 8th day I arrived at the hospital in the morning to find her distressed and with a temperature, my brother had arrived back that morning and he and Dad joined me an hour and a half later. The doctors did their rounds, we were once again taken to a private room and told that a new infection had taken a hold on her, that there was 2 options, we could let them treat her with stronger drugs that may work and give her an extra few days/weeks or we could opt to stop all treatment and 'let nature take its course'. We all agreed on the latter, we all felt that was what was best and right and always had been.

The intravenous was removed within 15 minutes, I took the oxygen tube away myself, the nurse withdrew the feeding tube and I cleansed and moisturised my Mums face for the last time. The doctor had said we would probably have around a day with her. I wanted her clean so asked the nurses to come in and do her morning wash. They spent what turned out to be a precious 30 minutes washing her, changing her and putting her into a clean night dress. My Dad and brother decided to go grab some lunch (brother is diabetic) and return later when I could go and grab something to eat.

They left at 12.10pm. I sat with her and held her hand, her face pale and cool to touch. Her breathing slowed and became uneven. I leaned over her and kissed her lovely face, I told her how much I loved her and thanked her for being a wonderful Mum and for loving my girls, I told her I wanted her to rest, that she wasn't alone and that she should let go and as my tears fell on the pillow beside her face she took 3 strangled breaths and stopped.

I watched and waited, knowing really that there wasn't going to be another but desperately not wanting to believe it. I stroked her face and cried. In relief and fear and sorrow. It had been just an hour and 25 minutes since they had removed all the tubes.

And now for the wishes, what-ifs and regrets.....

I wish they had never put the pacemaker in, I wish they had discussed it with us all before doing it not just taking my Mums consent into consideration. My Mum would agree to anything to be an easy patient, that was her way. If they had said to her "We're going to amputate your legs Margaret, so the podiatrist doesn't have to deal with those feet of yours any more" she would have agreed, to be helpful, to be easy for them. I wish we had insisted on knowing the implications of her having it placed.

I wish that my Dad had told me when she was admitted that second time, I would have gone to be with her at the hospital, I wouldn't have had her there in A&E, alone, frightened and stuck on a trolley for over 9 hours. Perhaps if I had been there they would have made more of an effort to get her a bed sooner, maybe that all contributed to the clot developing and heading off round her body....

I wish I hadn't insisted that they bathe and sort her the morning she died, I wish we'd had those extra precious 30 minutes or so to be with her, I'd thought I was doing what was best, I had wanted her feeling clean and fresh, I thought we had longer....

I wish she had died sooner, I wish she hadn't had to suffer the indignity, the distress, the fear of a prolonged death, I wish that if there was no hope that there wasn't a way of making a persons exit from this world smoother, kinder, gentler....

None of these things are helpful, none will change anything or bring my Mum back, I have spent the last 4 weeks trying to squash them and not think about them but finally I have had the courage to write them down hoping that in some cathartic way that it will bring them to a close. The things I have to try and forget are the times she told Dad and I that she wanted to die, that "it takes an awfully long time to die after a heart attack", the murmurs and mumbled "what an dreadful dreadful way to live". Those are the things I can't let myself dwell on.

What I do have to be glad of is the time I did have with my Mum, I feel honoured to have been with her to the end, I feel grateful to have had the chance to tell her and show her how much she was loved. Small things are the ones I have to nurture in my extensive library of memories, like while doing the little ritual of her face cleansing one morning, she said slowly to me "You are so clever, you know just what I need", the times I took her hand and kissed her when I arrived and she told me how she loved it when she heard my voice, the small smiles we shared when I was doing things for her, the glimpses of her humour that showed through even to the very end. They are the things that I have to hold onto and remember.

All through this K has been wonderful, held my hand and supported me from afar, been there with words of comfort and advise, let me weep to him on the phone when I couldn't bear to talk to any one else, and I shall never forget that nor be able to thank him adequately. I know I can think of him as a very dear friend.

Saturday, 23 October 2010

What Do You See?

This poem was found in the bedside locker on a ward at one of our local hospitals when it was being cleared out after the death of an elderly patient. It was published in the daily newspaper a number of years ago and for some reason my father kept the cutting. He showed me it this weekend and it struck a special cord as I have so recently lost my own Mum in the very same hospital.

It makes poignant reading........



What do you think you see nurses, what do you think you see?
What are you thinking when you are looking at me?
A crabbit old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far away eyes,
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice “I do wish you’d try”
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe,
Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill,
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes nurse, you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I move at your bidding, as I eat at your will,
I’m a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another,
A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming now soon that a lover she’ll meet;
A bride soon at twenty my heart skips a beat,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep,
At twenty-five now I have young of my own,
Who need me to build a secure, happy home;
 A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last,
At forty my young sons, now grown, shall be gone,
But my man stays beside me to see I don’t mourn.
At fifty once more babies play round my knees,
Again we know children, my loved one and me,
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look to the future, I shudder with dread,
My young are all busy rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love I have known.
I’m an old woman now and nature is cruel,
‘Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool,
The body it crumbles, grace and vigour depart.
There is now a stone where once was a heart.

But inside this old body a young girl still dwells
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I’m loving and living all over again.
And I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast
And accept the stark fact that nothing will last.

So open your eyes nurse, open and see,
Not a crabbit old woman, look closer – see me!

Saturday, 16 October 2010

RIP MY Darling Migglets

My Mummy finally lost her fight at 12.40 yesterday lunchtime. I was with her...alone....which was a little scary and bizarre and surreal, but ultimately I wouldn't have had it any other way. I had the honour of spending the last moments of her life with her and being able to tell her between sobs, how much she was loved and admired, I thanked her for being a warm and wonderful Mum and Nana to my girls, I was able to tell her it was ok to let go, that she wasn't alone and that there would be peace......

I shall miss her with all my heart but am relieved that she has no more suffering to endure. She was ceaselessly bright and cheerful despite many years of ill health, she always, what my Dad refers to as, 'took care of herself'. He meant she always made the effort with a little make-up and never failed to emerge with her pearls and earrings in place......she was a lady.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

My Silence

My darling Mummy is extremely ill. We were warned to expect the worse this last weekend but it seems she is still fighting....
I am exhausted and emotional and trying to be brave for everyone.
I read all your blogs when I get a moment to catch up and lose myself in your words, funnies and antics. I just can't write any of my own at the moment. Part of me wants to rant and rave into the page ...... but I just can't.

Keep writing guys, they are my moments escape from what is going on here.....and I shall be back when I can..
x

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Close Encounter......

Quite amusingly my husband teased me when we first met many years ago that he was an alien, from a different planet. It was a silly tease and I can't remember all these years later how it began, something to do with the shape his fingers made when held close together. It used to make me chuckle when if anything occurred that was a little extraordinary we would grin and agree that it was probably due to his alien background!





When the girls were smaller I told them of this silliness and a few times they joined in with the giggle, a chorus of "it's cos daddy's an alien!!" when he did something peculiar.

Of course it now doesn't seem quite so funny, when I think back to how detached we have become, how hard he is to relate to, how 'deep' he keeps his feelings. Sometimes I wonder how I ever thought I could get beneath the surface and know him.

My Mummy isn't doing so well, unlike the warm, radiant lady I have known all my life she is now struggling. She is pale, cool, gaunt. Her once unwavering appetite has diminished. She is constantly breathless. She is fading, her heart failing. It was her birthday on Friday, and too many visitors, all well meaning, wore her out. She'd had a bad night and when I visited on Saturday she wasn't very bright. When I got home I got a upset and tearful and hubby gave me a hug and said it was understandable, it was only human to get upset about seeing my Mum like that.

And that made me think back to when his Mum (remember MIL?) was so ill and stopping with us. So with a (regrettably) scathing remark I mumbled about him obviously not being human as he had shown no emotion over the demise of his own Mum.......
The 'idea' that he might be from another world fleeted across my mind and this time it didn't seem funny at all!

I read a lovely book the recently where there was marital disharmony (of course it all turned out all right and had a happy ending - damn) but there was a single line in there that so summed up how I often feel at times when hubby and I 'share' a moment, I felt I had to quote it.....

"...the mortar of misunderstanding filled the small crack I had made in my hard, dark shell"

A perfect line, one I would love to claim as my own but sadly not. But there it is, my feelings in a nutshell.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

The Empty Swan Song

I have lost my voice.....

Not in the physical sense, but I have lost my blog voice. I simply can't write at the moment. Nothing that is in my head and heart feels exposable. I can't write of my darkest fears for fear they actually may look simply too frightening written here in black and white (or whatever colour my font turns them into on the page) Equally I dare not reveal my deepest hopes, they too may look hideously selfish and fantastical when staring right back at me from the screen.

I feel the only way I am surviving at the present time is by being swan-like.....serene, calm and pure, all surface beauty....the frantic paddling of my feet below the line of the water unseen by the passer-by or casual observer.



In a nutshell I am missing contact with K like mad! The first 3 weeks were hideous! I was totally obsessed with the thought of him, everything I did or thought felt like I simply had to tell him about it! I am not sure whether it was helped or hindered by the fact he was away on his annual family holiday, so would have been unavailable to me much of the time even if we had still been a red-hot-item! I knew that I couldn't make contact, but I also imagined him having a fabby-dabby family time and life being all rosy and sunshiny!

Last week I did contact him, regretted it the moment I had pressed the send button on the damn phone but ultimately was glad I did. He called me, we spoke, for close on an hour. We won't make contact again now until the allotted day of Friday October 1st, we have both agreed, but it never ceases to surprise me how once we have spoken I am filled with this wonderful calm, a feeling of still and warmth.....it wears off, but it is comforting and welcome while it lasts.

The reason for this break on the embargo was I have secured myself a new role at work.
I have spent the last 2 years and 9 months working 3 days in a position that for the most part I have loathed. I have become fairly good at it, I have been recognised and rewarded for being good at it and although I hate to admit it there are days I have come home and felt I have had a good day but for the most part I have felt frustrated and constrained. So back in June I applied for a position as a seconded Training Partner. I was invited for a second interview and was successful! I am thrilled to bits to finally be able to use some of my other people skills in the work place and work in a role that I hope to find more fulfilling.....I simply had to let him know I had got it!

But that leads to another seed of niggly stuff in my head. The position is full time. I originally took my job because they gave me a contract of 3 full days, Mon - Weds each week, allowing me to have every Thursday and Friday free, free to speak on the phone for hours to K, free to indulge my time at home to thinking thoughts of us, free to jump in my car at any given moment and drive to a rendezvous spot to meet him. It was one of the things that made us possible. The full time hours will keep me busy and focussed, they will give me a personal strength and a little more financial security. But they also mean that Friday 1st October could be the last time I may see K, if not for ever...for a very long time...and that is one of those 'frantic-underwater-swan-feet" moments that I dare not let myself think of.

The situation at home is calmer too. We attended 2 sessions of Relate marriage guidance counselling. We needed far more, we can't really afford the fees and both felt after the second meeting that while it had opened up a little communication it wasn't perhaps the best time for us to get the most out of it...... we haven't discounted future appointments but recognise that we both need to feel committed to either resolve (which I don't feel is possible) or compromise and find another route for settling. It appears to have acted a little like a lot of stressful situations do, it draws together those that have the shared experience..the 'ooh we survived that  together' syndrome! So we are being a little kinder to each other, a little gentler, though we still negotiate our world like two housemates as opposed to lovers or spouses....

So I will continue to paddle serenely across this water, watch out for strong currents, avoid the weirs and keep an eye of for thick weeds and perhaps no one will notice the frantic feet paddling desperately underneath......

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Fretting Mother Alert

Ok I am officially a Fretty-Mum!
Among all the other things I have described myself as on this here blog, I am now fully admitting to having "frantic-Mummy" colly-wobbles! My baby girl has headed off today to her first festival!



There is a part of me that is totally envious. The first 'concert' I ever went to was at the age of about 13 to see Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel at a local venue, the crowd capacity a staggering 1800 (I don't think it was full...). Both my girls have been attending concerts of NEC and G-Mex proportions since the tender age of 5!



But now my baby girl has gone for 5 days of festival festivities with a crowd of her college friends to Reading!
I fear she is terribly ill-prepared but all advise, suggestions, prods and offers of assistance were firmly sneered at.... she knew it was going to be 'immense', she knew the toilets would be 'gross', she knew she would have to sleep on hard ground in the cold, she knew she would have to feed herself etc etc etc....

She is sensible and careful and trustworthy. She is not stupid or foolish. But jeezeroony! It has taken all of my 'cool-Mum' legendary status to let her calmly leave today and wish her a wonderful time!

Tonight it had rained heavily, it is now 9.30pm, I have not heard from her yet. I imagine her tired and wet and possibly hungry (if they haven't eaten all their supplies on the coach down there) and trying to get their tent put up in the dark.... She won't be home till Monday......I can see this feeling a very long fretty weekend!

Thursday, 5 August 2010

That Tiny Glimmer

Thursday 5 August 2010 

I miss him. It has only been 5 days and I stupidly miss him. I check my phone and my emails even while knowing that he will not make contact, I categorically know that there will be no words and yet still I check. And when there is a text or mail I am still disappointed once open to see it is not from him. Even though in my heart I know it won’t be.

What is it about human nature that clings to the tiny atoms of hope? That however much you say to yourself that there is none, that you know there is none, that you have accepted there is none…that deep down in your subconscious there is that weenie glimmer, like a tiny spark in a burned out campfire, that with the smallest waft of a breeze can glow fiercely……well that is my hope…..

And my hope is tied into so many other things. Ok, we get through the next 57 days and we reach the fated day of Friday 1st October, because we will, God willing there is little doubt of that. And what then? A few more wafts to reignite that tiny ember and then nothing…..because in my heart I also know that, that there really is no solution to any of this. That something has got to give, there is no happy ending.

Is it selfish to want a happy ending? Sometimes I think it is and that’s probably because the ending that would feel happy for me would be the ending that would cause deep sadness to others (therefore not happy at all as that in turn would hurt me still). Yet at other times it doesn’t feel selfish, because we would all heal, everyone of us touched by this would heal in time….and maybe things would feel happier by then….

There is no happy ending. If I get what I want others feel deep pain. If I don’t get what I want there is still deep pain. It’s mess, a dreadful mess.

I have tried so hard over recent months to move on from this. In the initial period I know I wallowed and clung, I was scared that if I got over him he wouldn’t come back to me, that if I wiped it all away I would forget it all and him. Over the last year I have tried to put it behind me.

The feelings I had for him, for us, for what we shared I stuck in a box, but the temptation at first to peep and peer in and poke about was immense. So I fitted it with a tight lid. But they seemed to effervesce every so often and blow the lid clean off! So out came the sticky tape and elastic bands, wrapped tightly over the lid to keep in place but gradually they have eroded the bottom of the box and seeped out and now all I seem to be left with is a nasty mess, not contained in the pretty box at all.

So when in 57 days time we meet and talk and smile and laugh (because we will, we always do, so totally maddeningly easily and comfortably) where will it leave things then?

When we met last time we kissed. It was the first time we have kissed for 21 months. I told my friend. She said how was it? And I said like coming home………

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Day 5

I was chatting to a friend today, telling them about my impending visit to the marriage guidance counsellor tomorrow.....the self imposed period of no contact with 'K' (I guess after all this time I really ought to give him a name other that 'ex-lover', My Love and 'db' ~ so you can have his initial!)

My friend asked me among all the other soul searching bits if I remember being happy with hubby in the beginning. Of course I do I replied! "Would you marry 'K'?" came one of the next lines......Yes I said. "So you know him well then???"

And I thought about it a moment....

Yes I do, I know him, after not far off 4 years of contact, hours of conversation, thousands of written words and text messages and precious hours spent together, I know him as well if not better than I knew my husband after 9 months together when we bought our first home and then married him less than a year later!

Another query followed. "Where you as happy with 'K' as you were with hubby at the start?"

And I answered that with a line that is very telling...and I have pondered on much tonight.....
I answered,  Yes I was as happy, they are 2 different things, hubby and I were in a young love, inventing a life, a home, a wedding and babies. 'K' and I were a grown up relationship based on what I love now, who I am now......

And that perhaps says an awful lot.......

Sunday, 4 July 2010

A Day of Surprises and Head Muddling

Hmmm such a long time since I blogged properly! Two reasons, one I have been having serious issues with my broadband and many times have been unable to log in properly, so forgive the lack of comments and responses on your own blogs, I have tried to catch up a little this morning......and secondly I have had a lot of stuff in my head but seem to have drawn a complete blank when considering putting it down in words...... Not usually a problem for me.....

So....where to begin. Well as one of my previous blogs stated I have turned 50, its an age that has struck dread in my heart for a couple of years or more, my bestest friend and I have marvelled at how fast the years have sped by to get us to this point, how the hell have our lives passed so quickly!
It wasn't as painful as I had dreaded and I can now actually say the number without stuttering, gagging or feeling faint, I am still me, still the same, still don't feel grown up enough to be thinking any of the stuff I have to deal with.




I wanted to write then that its a defining moment in your life when you think that to be considered middle-aged is incorrect, that to be literally in my mid-life would mean I would have to live to be 100.....a highly unlikely event! This sounds a little depressing and I nearly didn't write it but in fact I think it just makes my life feel more precious, the fact I know that I have fewer years left to live than I have lived means that I have to make them important, real, worthy and memorable! It doesn't feel like a downward slope more like a peaking of my world!

I have applied for a development role at work, a position in the Training department and I am currently waiting to hear if I have been successful. Its no major career move but I am quite proud that I have re-discovered my confidence enough to consider such stuff, there have been many months passed where I felt the stuffing had been so well and truly knocked out of me that I would never have it in me again to go-out-and-get! Its felt like a long process.

Anyway we will see, I shall hear this week and if successful it will mean that my part-time 3 days a week will come to an end while I complete the secondment and I shall be working full time with less time to waste, wallow and generally loiter in corners of my head and heart that I should avoid.

Now on the subject of my heart I have met my wonderful ex-love again. Since we met back at the end of April there has been pretty regular contact, nothing of mind blowing importance just gentle forays into each others world, emails a few days apart, funnies sent to make each other smile. I have wondered quite why and how he has suddenly been so comfortable with the contact that he once rejected and told me was unwelcome. For a woman whose glass is always half full I have a very negative thought pattern when it comes to my Love.....surely it must be that he has met me, realised he feels nothing for me at all now and feels comfortable simply being a buddy with me?......or maybe his life is so complete in his hard-worked-for-marriage that now contact doesnt touch him?.....or maybe he has had another huge deluge of guilt at how I was hurt and feels an obligation to keep my chin up??

So during these 'happy' email exchanges before my holiday in Portugal it went like this.......

He:  ...Forgot to tell you I have had a haircut. A proper one, will send pic when it is looking ok, currently looks bedheady :-S Can't be long till your hol. Sunshine soon :) x

Me:  ...a proper one? last time you told me that you'd had all of 2 " off lol :) x

He: .......as for haircut its traumatically shorter! :) x

Me: ........me too! I have been cropped today! I'll show you mine if you show me yours :) x

He:     Deal! x

Me:   2nd July? x

He: ....should be cool for coffee and gossip x

So on Friday I once again set off to meet up with him.  Last time had been odd, I blogged about the distance between us, the awkward hug, but despite that there was comfortable chatter, laughter, giggles and smiles, all the stuff that we were so good at (well...not ALL the stuff...hee hee) in the snatched 45 minutes I had with him. After last time I pondered how I felt about it all and felt what I had wanted was to meet and look at him with new eyes, not the love soaked ones I had seen him through before, but with a clearer head, calmer thoughts and a few barriers in place. It worked but only in respect that I didn't fling myself at him, I didn't weep and I didn't beg him to reconsider. I spent gentle time with him and parted from him intact but I knew that my love for him hadn't altered or diminished, it was simply now under control, in a place that I could regard it......

I had decided that depending on how we approached each other this time, that I would maybe ask outright, what was all this new 'comfortable' contact really about? What was it that was now keeping us in touch?
This time was so different, apart from the contact in between times it felt so much more comfortable. He plonked himself down beside me dispensing the need for the picnic-table-barrier between us, he had brought us a picnic lunch to share in the park, the things he knew I loved, the things we shared as lovers. There was a marked difference in his body language that I felt able to mirror as opposed to having to hold myself in check.

And so we chatted, we did what we are so damn good at, we made each other smile and feel wonderful, we spoke of how things were in our lives at present. Not wonderful, for either of us. And then he suddenly said a sentence that surprised me and had my head muddled......he said "It doesn't go away does it?"

No it doesn't, it hasn't. And I was brave enough to ask if he still loved me and he does......For the first time since he put up the barriers between us more than a year ago he let me into his true thoughts and feelings.
It felt like a revelation. It felt comforting, that I wasn't the only one that felt like this, I haven't been going mad, it really was all real.

Nothing has altered. He is still doing his damnedest to make his marriage survive, he has to and I so understand that.




He spent his lunch break with me and told me he only had to go back for an hour then would be finished for the day, I said I would wait for him. I got the blanket out the car and lay on the grass under a tree and read my book, lost myself in the black and white words on the pages rather than think about the words that had been spoken. He came back full of smiles and apologised, said he felt cruel for telling me this stuff when it really altered nothing for us but I didn't want his apology, I felt relief. I know now that what we felt was real and true and good, it wasn't just about the sex, the femdom play, the kink, the lust, it was about us, him and me.....it was real. It is real still I guess......We spent another 2 hours chatting, smiling and enjoying each others company.

So now I am left with a muddled head and a jam packed heart and I have to learn to live with this knowledge and believe that if its meant to be it will be.....and if its not....well I have the most wonderful love to carry me through years......

Saturday, 5 June 2010

A Heart Full of Love

I have loved 4 men in my life, deeply, intensely and irrevocably. I have been honoured to be loved back by each of them with the same fervency. Its more than some ever get to experience.

Maybe that's more than any girl deserves in one lifetime.....
Maybe I have had my lifetime share of love........
Maybe this is it.......

Sunday, 23 May 2010

A Big Fat "0"


Well its been a while since I put finger to keyboard and quite a lot has happened since I did!

Firstly, well not firstly but I guess most significantly I have had a 'land-mark' birthday, you know, one of those nasty ones with a '0' at the end of it, one you seriously consider lying about, leaving the country during or simply claiming alzheimers and denying all knowledge of.....yes it was one of those.

Being the mother of two beautiful, firm, slender, wrinkle free children who only see that a birthday is something to be excited about and should be celebrated there was no chance to get away with any of the above options and not being a recent lottery winner I didn't have the option of a 2 months round the world cruise!

The 'big' day itself fell on a Saturday and so in a rash moment I decided what the hell! I would have a party!! Completely bottling the idea of a venue (in case no one came and there ended up about 15 of us rattling in a beautifully balloon festooned room) I chose to have a house party.

I had the time of my life! My celebration really started on the preceding Thursday when a 'friend' took me out for dinner (I shall save that for another blog) save to say that I was treated wonderfully, laughed lots, easy chatter and company, delicious food and went home feeling as smiley and content as Cheshire Cat.....

Friday I met friend for coffee and breakfast and then after saying our goodbye met an old school friend for lunch. I have known this elegant lady for over 30 years and lost touch completely after we left school, (another blog material) but we now meet every so often to catch up. Another lovely treat. In the evening we were joined by my brother and daughters boyfriend and we shared wonderful chinese food and much laughter.....

And then my big day arrived! My girls spoilt me utterly and among other gifts I have a spa day to look forward to! I had a much longed for ipod (can't work the damn thing but its tiny, sleek, 8GB and orange!) and oodles of gifts and cards to open.

Night saw my garden alight with fairy lights in the gazebo and balloons! Lots of people, family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues all descended and filled my home with laughter and chatter, more gifts and cards and flowers! To be honest I was a little over-whelmed by it all, I barely drank until about 11 as I kept putting down my glass to greet and hug people and by the time i had been swept along my new arrivals I had lost the still almost full beverage and had another one poured, only to be repeated after a couple of sips!

I danced and laughed my way to the wee hours and then fell gratefully into bed. Sunday saw family and birthday tea and finally my 4 days of celebrations drew to a gentle close. Although I have dreaded that particular birthdays impending approach for many many months, I can honestly say I had a ball.

Perhaps I can start a new decade, afresh and clean, the last one contained some monumental highs and some heart shattering lows.....perhaps this one will be kind enough to be a little gentler on me as I started it so well??

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Politics and Policies

We have sat having dinner this evening with the TV still on in the other room. We are being bombarded with Party Political Broadcasts due to the impending General Election on Thursday and over hearing the mumbled empty policies being promised from the mouth of candidates and celebrities my husband and I mumbled a few of our own choice morsels!

My youngest suggested that actually she thought she would make a very good Prime Minister. "And what would you do?" we probed sweetly.
"Oh I'd make everything cheaper!" she said "so we could all afford things like houses"

"And I would save the elephants, I love elephants!"

"And I would plant things!"
"What would you plant?" (thinking planet saving trees here...)
"Sunflowers!" she pronounced "You don't see many of them about and they are so bright"

Hmm.....am I the proud owner of an innocent 5 year old? No. She is 17 and doing her A Levels and although all said tongue in cheek it does worry me slightly LOL!

Having said that I actually think she couldn't do much more damage to the country as the bunch of fools we have the choice of to elect! VOTE JASMINE!

Friday, 23 April 2010

What a Pheasant Day.....

Well today I have made the 200+ mile trip that has allowed me to meet with my ex-lover. The day has been glorious, cool breeze, blue skies and brilliant sunshine. I woke this morning wondering what the hell had possessed me to put myself through this ordeal, should I set off earlier therefore arriving too early for him to meet in his lunch break? Should I set off later so as to miss his break? Should I simply text him and tell him there had been a change of plan?

In the end I set off, whacked some of my favourite tunes on, opened the window to let the early summer air invade the car and put my foot down! I had a wonderful journey. I actually enjoy driving, my car may be a small city car but it can eat up the tarmac and happily hit 85mph. I took a familiar route, the one taken frequently to meet on our secret trysts, the motorway meanders through beautiful English countryside, soaked in green for most of its way as foliage and trees come to life for this late spring.


I happily sang to my ipod songs, gobbled the breakfast sandwich and watched the miles whizz by. I saw a low flying plane sweep over the fields and dropping a string of 7 small parachutes with some sort of small parcels hanging from them, intriguing stuff! I passed the area we used for picnics, passion and playful past-times and saw Red Kites swooping on the swell of the breeze, the bright sun catching their deep russet red plummage, we have watched them from below while lying on our backs in idyllic patches of nature reserve.




My wee city car was overtaken in all manner of rude ways by drivers or BMW's or sporty little number who felt indignant at being or being passed by a tiny shiny red vehicle! Let them pass, I didnt care, I was on my adventure.


I arrived a little early and used the ladies loos there and then sat in the park at a picnic table in the warmth of the midday sunshine. I wanted to lie on the grass, but didnt think it would perhaps be appropriate to be splayed out prone when he arrived. So I sat and watched the few park dwellers carry out there business and watched for his car.


He arrived. He looked nervous but I smiled in what I hope was a warm and friendly way and stood to meet him. We hugged awkwardly and he made his excuses to dash to the loo himself. I watched him half run across the grass, his stride so familiar. When he returned we smiled and he plonked himself opposite me. We were never 'apart' when we were together, we were always touching, holding, beside each other. The space screamed out at me. I don't know whether he felt it or not. I don't know anything really. We were both quite animated in our chatter, we have never had any difficulty finding things to talk about, right from the very first MySpace message we exchanged the words always poured from us, anything and everything our source of topic.


I watched his face, the golden highlights in his hair, his beard trimmed slightly differently, his hazel eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled. I watched his hands, smooth and clean and his fingers so close I wanted to reach for them. I didn't.

And so we chattered along, sharing pics and news of our respective children, I never intended to speak of us, I wanted to hear his news, to tell him mine, to share fragments of our worlds. But he brought it up, he referred to our lost love, spoke of the discarded gifts and his regrets of that, he spoke of how I had fought so for my marriage before we met, he felt it only 'honourable' to do the same when she asked him to try, he said that the highs we'd had together were the sort that he would never get to feel again so precious were they, he chatted and filled the air with his talk.
I never got to tell him about the reason I had left our adult site, the way I had enjoyed my journey, the fields and the parachutes, the planes and the Red Kites, the dozens of dead pheasants that littered the motorway.


His lunch break ended, we walked back to the cars, I don't know what was going on in his head, we hugged again briefly. Did I want to kiss him? I don't know. If he had kissed me would I have allowed it? Yes.



And have I found anything out about myself today? Have I learnt anything. Only that I am so glad I'm not a pheasant.......

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Fools Paradise

I have done a very foolish thing.

What I hear you cry? More foolish than normal?? Ummmm (looks around embarrassed..ummm yes)....

I have asked my ex-lover to meet me for a coffee. I am heading to pick up my daughter and will be passing his place of work. So I text yesterday morning and said I would have to stop on the 3 hour journey for a wee and a coffee and would he be free to share one?

Now back in October last year I asked him to meet me, said I would drive down and I wanted to see him, that I wanted to say goodbye face to face, that I felt he owed me that at least. He refused. He said he didnt feel the need to meet, that it had caused him much anguish deciding to say no but that please dont ask him to.

Since then I haven't ever suggested it again. Until now. Why now?
I'm not sure, I have wracked my brains, searched my head and my heart to fathom out exactly the reason I sent the text message yesterday at 7.22am. All I will confess to is that I was pretty damn sure that he would say no again, in fact I would have put money on it.

So imagine my surprise when at 7.25am I got a reply to say yes, he was doing a course that day but that he would check what time they would break for lunch and let me know.

Now I am in turmoil and questioning why I asked. What do I want from meeting him? Closure? To see if I have been remembering our affair through rose-tinted specs and that when I see him again I will realise what a fool I am for still holding a candle for him? To finally say goodbye? To hope that he regrets not giving us a chance? Maybe a stupid, ridiculous, pathetic mix of all those things.

Ok. Worse case scenario. We meet. I fall apart, am still besotted, he feels nothing, is cold and heartless and I end up back at Square One while he goes home to live happily ever after.

Best case scenario? Oh hell I have been through all sorts of combinations of feelings, my initial thought was best case was that we fall desperately into each others arms, swear undying love forever and go up in a magical puff of smoke and leave the world on a magic cloud (or maybe a volcano ash cloud?) But I think (when reality finally kicked in) that best case would be if we met and found each others company gentle, warm and calm and we were finally able to let go of all the hurt that this intense affair has caused us both.

The liklihood of that? Hmmm probably very low but I guess unless I bottle it and cancel myself, we will find out tomorrow. Think of me x

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

My Celebrity Shag List.....

....shamelessly stolen from auntiegwen! So you can safely assume that there is at least some 'life after love'! Well ok perhaps Lust after Love..ha ha but hey a girl can't stay numb forever!


The delicious Josh Holloway. If you are a female Lost fan there are two camps, Jack or Sawyer. For me its always been the bad boy Sawyer


Hugh Jackman, didn't quite float my boat as Wolverine but still enough eye candy for him to not be thrown out of my bed if he were lucky enough to find himself there.......


Bradley Cooper, I am a sucker for a gorgeous smile and a twinkle in the eyes, he has both!



Mr Gerard Butler, something deliciously rugged and flirty about him, can imagine him being the rascal



And there my blogger stopped working for some strange reason and wouldnt let me upload any more pics or you may have also been subjected to Orlando Bloom, George Clooney and Nigel Barker!! Oh yummy !!

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Life Plans and Other Loony Advise

I read a blog today written by a lady that follows mine, Jean Maurie. She asked that if we could 'reset' our lives would we and if we did what would we do differently?

And it reminded me of a time a couple of years ago when my cousin and I were having a deep and soul-searching conversation about the state of her marriage. I of course, was happily knee deep in my extra-marital affair and happy as a pig in shit. So of course helping to sort out another persons misery and confusion all seems so simple, we're so good at dishing out advise aren't we but not so damn good at following it.

Her big dilemma was not knowing where the various options she had would lead her. "If only I knew they were the right decision" she lamented, "if only I could see that if I did X this would happen or if I decided on Y that would work"

Oh my moment of wisdom! Well you can't I retorted! What you have to do is think of it like a business plan.....Where do i want to be and how do I want to feel in 1 / 3 / 5 years? What do I have to do to get there. achieve that? And you make a conscious effort to take the first step in that direction, make the first move to get you at your end destination. Simple!

I remember telling 'lover' that and laughingly saying that it was easy to give the advise but that of course I couldnt take it myself, where I wanted to be was too complex, involved the decisions of too many others. Basically I wanted a chance at a life with him and I felt that wasn't my decision to make.

But Jean Mauries blog made me think back to this and now of course I am still in a confused and messy limbo-land. Maybe for once it is time to actually sit down and take note of my own 'sensible' advise.

Monday, 5 April 2010

The Things That Dreams Are Made Of.....

I dreamt last night. I don't always remember my dreams but when I do I wake and they flood my sleep sodden mind vividly in all their colours, shapes and locations.

In all the time I was with my lover I only ever dreamt of him twice, odd dreams where he was mixed into my every day life. It has been 1 year 5 months and 3 days since I was last with him and I dreamt of him last night. I have done twice recently. And the difference with these dreams?

I can feel him. I can see him so clearly in my head, the colour of his hair and the warm hazel of his eyes. I can smell his warmth and his skin, they are so powerful they still fill my senses as I wake and I desperately try to hold on and memorise them to my conscious, I don't want to forget how he felt to hold, to be held by, how he sounded....

It has filled my head all day and exhausted me


Saturday, 3 April 2010

Phenomenal Woman

This morning I logged in to catch up on my blog reading. Saz had posted a poem on her blog, Fab, Feisty & Fifty... and I thought it was so wonderful I wanted to post it for you ladies who dont usually have the pleasure of her posts!



PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
If only I could hold on to that in my head and carry it with me every step of the way I might just make it through the rest of my life

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Thoughts of a Rambling Mind

Yesterday I said goodbye. A final farewell blog at the adult site I have been a member of for over 2 years. I tried to keep it quite positive and upbeat but don't mind admitting I was in tears by the time I had finished it, the replies have made me weep more. I have made a few good friends there, some who I know will stay in my life for a long time if not forever.

Of course you can't please all of the people all of the time and I also made some, I won't call them enemies but maybe adversaries, folks who just seemed to like to stir some sort of shite and play mind games.

I am a very trusting person, since I discovered the online world of chat and messaging, blogging and forum posting I have only ever shown the real me, written in truth of emotions and actions or at least in the truth of how they felt or appeared to me. They are my truth. I wrote a long while ago when reposting my original blogs that I was proud and comforted when reading them back, to not once taking in a line or paragraph and thinking "my my girl, you exaggerated that one a bit!".

Because I am like that, admittedly hidden behind the pseudo-names of Tormentress and VelveteenRabbit, I expect and believe that all others are the same. Of course they're not. They make up their own stories, their own pasts, presents and futures, they become perhaps the person they feel they can never be in the real world and sometimes they then find another distraction that means they disappear from the cyber world without a word. For someone who deals in an open heart approach to life and love and gives of herself, what little can be given over the net, this can be confusing and hurtful.

The place I have left is also the site that my lover and I joined to explore our journey into Femdom, its a place that at first I clung to in case he came back to me, then because I got so much support and escapism from the friends I had made there and finally because I thought I could perhaps move on there. I made a new profile, gave myself a new nick but always came back to Tormentress because that was who I had really become, she was now part of me. At times my presence there brought comfort, at times terrible pain for what I was no longer a part of.

Increasingly engaging online has left me feeling used, empty and out of my depth and as it has been proclaimed there will be no 'exploration' of anything less than the mssionary position here (thats if a sexual relationship actually ever resumes and its looking less and less likely!) then my dabbling into that world now feels more fraudulent than ever before.

I have considered writing a novel, I am not sure how to begin and I am googling to find information but at least then I can find escapism in something constructive and perhaps cathartic too. I am glad to still have this place where I can empty my head and heart into the void and not have to pretend to be something that perhaps I never truly was in the first place.

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Life After Love.....

.........tonight there isn't any.

How can you feel so lonely when you're not alone? How can you feel invisible when you can clearly see your own pain? How can you hurt so much when all you feel is numb?

Sunday, 14 March 2010

On Mothers Day



Today here in the UK it is Mothers Day. It is 7.46 am and 'Mother' is awake and consuming coffee and painkillers while my two darlings still sleep.
Gone are the days when they 'crept' into my bedroom, excited and giggling, with gifts and flowers and breakfast (with the help of Daddy) to clamber on my bed and snuggle beneath the duvet with cold little hands and feet and demand that I wake and wake now because they wanted to start 'making my day'!


Now they will probably sleep till at least 10am (dependant on what time they went to bed themselves last night!) and I will already be up dressed showered and going about my day. The gifts they will give will be more expensive, probably more useful but a little less precious than the things they offered as children (it was always hilarious to discover what they considered Mummy really wanted )
If my life had followed my dreams I probably wouldnt have been here. I would be waking up almost 200 miles away in a new home. But my dreams went awry.
Last Mothers Day I was still in a blur of pain and longing for what I felt I had lost. This year I am so glad to still be here sharing the daily lives of my two beautiful daughters, witnessing their emergence into young womanhood, still being part of their laughter, their tears, their successes and their concerns, I watch them grow and learn and am honoured to have my days woven into theirs.
We use the term to be 'madly' in love with someone. I was truly madly in love. The dictionary says of madly: insanely, desperately, foolishly and I guess that sums it up. I was 'madly' in love. My love was beyond reason and sense, there was no rationale to it, only need, desperation and desire. So today more than any other day I am happy to still be here, with my wonderful girls and my own fragile Mother.
Happy Mothers Day to all the ladies here and ooh I hear movement maybe I wont have to wait till 10am for my hugs and love and the sight of their gorgeous faces

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Heart, we will forget him!


Heart, we will forget him ~ Emily Dickinson



Heart, we will forget him,

You and I, tonight!

You must forget the warmth he gave,

I will forget the light.


When you have done pray tell me,

Then I, my thoughts, will dim.

Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging

I may remember him!

Sunday, 7 March 2010

...Think I'll Go And Eat Worms

I have been thinking very carefully over the last few weeks. And I have been trying, once more I have been trying.
I have tried to encourage more conversation with hubby. I have encouraged a few evenings out to the cinema and for meals. I invited him to join me on a weekend with my friends from the North. I have spent more time sitting in the same room with him reading while he watches television rather than logging in for endless hours.

I have hugged him, initiated kisses with him, cuddled him in bed. I have complimented and thanked him. I have asked him to do small acts for me and been grateful. I have told him that I love him.

During the last 25 years I have known him I have given him everything, all of myself, all that I knew I was at the time. I have kept his home, supported him and bore his children. He has done the same for me but seemingly from a distance, guarded. I still can't truly say I know the man.

Last night I clambered onto the sofa beside him and encouraged a little kissing, he responded gently but I felt with reservation. "Do you fancy me?" I asked adolescently.
He paused and looked at me for more seconds than was healthy and then replied "Well you don't fancy me". Tit for tat? I blinked at him and walked away, muttering that of course, thats why I was curled against him trying to kiss a response from him.

I am invisible. I became invisible. I gave my all and he let me vanish. My everything wasn't enough.

I met my lover. He responded, so I gave my all to him, everything, every fibre of my being, my soul, my head, my heart, I thought he'd done the same. He rejected me, my everything wasn't enough.

And now I try and rekindle, to become visible again, All I have ever wanted is to be loved, wanted, needed, desired,. Is that so much to ask? But nobody wants me.

What this has shown me is that it isn't lover that I still crave it was the 'love' I thought I had found with him. It wasn't real it seems, it didnt last, like some cheap gold ring that loses its colour and turns your finger green. But just briefly I tasted what I had always wanted and to be rejected still by hubby when he claims not to want to lose me breaks my heart again nearly as badly as my lover broke it.

♫ So nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll go and eat worms ♫

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

The Silver Lining

I have never spared you any details about how much I miss and still long for my lover. Even after all this time I still think of him daily, part of me longs to be able to stop, to flick the 'off' switch on thoughts and emotions and part of me I have to admit is terrified of forgetting how to love, how he made me feel, what he made me feel. Its still a very dark place I find myself in sometimes.

But there is one thing I have resolved in my head, the timing of his admission that he couldn't leave his wife for me meant that I never had to make the decision myself to leave my world. I had promised him I would move the 180 miles to be with him so he could still be close to his small children, still be a part of their daily lives, I know to have lost that would have destroyed him, they are his life, but that decision would have meant I would leave the city I was born in, my daughters, my parents and my friends as well as neighbours and work colleagues. It would have meant total upheaval.

Of course at the time I was so very very sure that I was willing to do this, willing to alter my life completely to be with this man. We were over before I had to make the break, of course they had all been told it was going to happen but I never had to actually test my resolve by packing and saying goodbyes.

And every day I am glad for that. In the 15 months since we parted I have watched my girls grow more, mature more and live more. Their beauty captures me each time I see them, I inhale the scent of them when they hug me close, who would help with their hair and makeup for special occasions? Who would have helped with youngest daughters sewing project and hand sew buttons and frills on? Who would have been there to hug them and tell them how amazing they are when they are feeling especially female and fragile?

And my darling parents, my Mum's broken ankle and all the care and visiting, my Daddy now so inceasingly frail , both needing me around for tasks that are now beyond them...

There will be a day when my parents have gone and my daughters have spread their wings and made new nests of their own, and then maybe then I will be free to follow my own longings....but for now I bind the pieces of my broken heart tightly together and allow myself the pleasure of the silver lining.... my family and friends still close by to me.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

You Just Never Know......

....who is plowing your fields!

I had quite a surreal experience this morning. I have a FaceBook profile (and before you all go hunting for me my name isn't really Velveteen Rabbit - I know! Shockingisn't it!!) and like many of us with these social networking profile I have got sucked into the world of FarmTown and Farmville! I have fervently resisted having an aquarium, a zoo, a flat, becoming a zombie, a member of the mafia or gardening.......but yes, I admit it I am quite hooked on my farms....

*embarrassed silence*

I am not sure of their appeal, maybe the idea of my own little empires, the trees and buildings placed just where I want them, the choice of crops all chosen by me, no other human being to consult or care for, I can plow and harvest and plant to my hearts content amassing an enviable fortune of imaginary coins of no value whatsoever!

Anyway, I digress, I went to the 'Marketplace' this morning to 'hire' hands to come harvest and plow for me. Shouted out yells of "HIRE MEEEEE PLZZZZZZZZ" and "I WANT A JOB!!" get ignored by gentle me....... (I always like manners in my cyber employees) and then a spotted a blonde female little 'person' called 'Surrender2Me'

I hired her. She worked swiftly and carefully and I asked her (well my little red head person did) about her name......"Would you mind if I answered when I have finished working?" she replied. Not at all I responded. So when the other 'workers' had finished and gone I asked her again, told her I was curious about her nic.....

"Well" she said "when I am at my church it is what I am being asked to do, to surrender my heart and myself to God"

"Oh thats lovely" I replied, feeling rather relived that all I had to do was hit the log off button if I suddenly found myself being preached to.

"But when I am at the club....well it is very different" she suddenly typed.

I smiled "That was what I was curious about" I said back to her, her words came up on the screen "I am *"......... "a Domme?" I typed quickly "Yes .....very much so"

I grinned to myself, we exchanged email addresses and I recommended the site I still visit, she too has recently split from her submissive partner and is trying to find a way forward, I told her I was in a similar boat, gave her my Login name at the site......

Its really was quite surreal, you just never know who you are employing these days!

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Sleepy Lies

I went to bed at midnight last night, hubby had popped his head round the dining room door and announced he was going up about half an hour earlier. I slipped into the dark room and flicking on the bathroom light cleaned my teeth quietly so as not to wake him. I fumbled around for the tshirt I sleep in, left my clothes on the stool by my bed and slipped quietly under the duvet.

He was still awake and wrapped his arm around me and snuggled around me, I murmured my surprise he was still awake and nestled a little closer. His hand stroked my tummy softly and after a few minutes slowly made its way a little lower......

I feigned sleep............

Why? Why after my previous blog didn't I reciprocate and let things take their course?

Because I feel dead inside and his touch made me freeze..............

Thursday, 18 February 2010

The Naughty Nitty Gritty

Ok ok. Lets get down to the nitty gritty. Lets talk about sex! Or lack of it......

This is one area that seems to be sadly brushed under the carpet with us 'ladies'....we don't like to admit to having rampant libidos......or frustrated fumblings.....or really just not enough of the hot stuff! So I am going to be brutally honest here......I am a horny little beastie!

I have always been very 'physical', have always had a 'healthy' sexual appetite, an open mind and exploratory curiosity about sexuality and sexual practices. There are things that have flitted across my libido driven mind over the years that I wouldn't even tell my best friend (yer! that bad! or is that good?). I was sexually active at 15 (with my regular boyfriend) and have always enjoyed it though I admit when younger and more naive I was not the most imaginitive or confident paticipant. I suppose I have always taken the lead from my partner (quite strange really now that I have enjoyed a very Femdom relationship with ex-lover) being guided by what he wanted, what the male decided, his choice of position and activity. This means that when with a 'conservative' partner my sex was staid, when with someone with a 'lust for luuurrrvvee' I was equally enthusiastic!

I have written before that sex with my husband has at best been adequate with the occasional 'fabby-dabby-mind-blowing' moments, at worst 'roll on roll off' or non-existant. As you can imagine throwing yourself back into an intimate sexual relationship with him hasn't been easy after my affair and his dire lack of sexual-communication skills, arousal, libido and fantasies make it very hard for me to contemplate this. It has always been the case, for many years, but since with my lover I shared THE most amazing sexual chemistry, THE most intimate love-making, THE most 'kinky' (if thats the word that it is - I prefer adventurous - if it feels-good-do-it!) sex I have ever experienced and everything that I have on offer now feels flat and empty and 'beige'.............

Now I am an experienced woman (with more tricks up my sleeve now than I have ever had before) and I know that if the moment came about I could blow hubbys socks off and leave them steaming 20 feet away! But I don't have the desire for him and he sadly hasn't seemed interested in resuming sexual contact with me so its not as if I have had to be fighting him off. It has now been over 15 months since I was last with my lover and in the ensuing months hubby and I have had fumblings, half hearted attempts at 'getting it on'. Two lead to brief penetrative encounters, one hand job (which he complimented) and one rather horny wine-induced advance from me which lead to a premature end on his part and a bewildered me.

I asked him one evening while cooking family dinner and he was rummaging around for a snack in the fridge what had happened to us, where was the passion? His reply shocked me. We have got old he said....Noooo I cried! YOU have got old not me!

I am not ready to do the coco and a good book at bed time yet, I don't want to think I will never have passion and lust and adventure again..... I have told him that at some point we have to get this sorted, we have to try and get ourselves back on track because I am not prepared to live the rest of my life sexless......I'm still young and passionate and longing.....

I have not had sex now for around 9 months..... this has been driving me crazy! (I have shares in Duracell and bulk buy!) but imagine how surprised I was to discover that with my wonderful new pills comes a bit of a dive in my sex drive, over the last 4 weeks it hasn't crossed my mind half as much, in fact a week or so ago I sort of 'made myself' think about it just to see if I was in working order still..... I am....just about..... I have been known to 'indulge' myself as many as 4 times in a day (when the stimulus was there of course..... *embarrassed smile*)

This last weekor two hubby has started to be a little more attentive, a cuddle in bed, a little touching and stroking my skin, tiny signs that he has taken on board what I have said, I am grateful for his attempt but am left unmoved. The caresses and intimacy I have so longed for make me numb, I feel a 'shutdown' of my senses as I lay waiting to see what he may want from me and for once I lay relieved when it leads to nothing more than warmth beside me.....

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Numb Days and Smiley Faces

It is now 4 weeks since I went to see the Doctor and was put back on my 'happy' pills...not my proudest moment but a necessary one and in the passing days I have pondered several things.

Is this how my life is going to be from now on? An ongoing up and down where I am relishing the times I can enjoy and waiting for the next bout of darkness to creep upon me? Am I going to be cured? So I can move forward with my life and eventually look back at these nasty periods of 'depression' as one might look back on an embarrassing infection?

There is certainly a stigma that comes with the word 'depression', you suddenly are considered less than stable or maybe a bit melo-dramatic. People remind you that you have nothing to be depressed about and you should look forward and be positive. It is a dark, misunderstood and simplified term for what can be a totally debilitating condition.

I am doing alright on my new pills. One of the side effects is changes in sleeping patterns. The first few nights I slept badly, well I didnt sleep much at all! This has now settled and I found myself craving sleep early in the evening, sleeping deeply and waking slowly and very groggily. I am able to put up the facade again and some days I even manage to convince myself I am feeling bright and positive.

But I have discovered it is a very fine line I am treading and it only takes a fairly minor thing to tilt me into an achey heart, tear filled eyes and that awful sadness that I will never feel alive again.

I have this past weekend been away with my husband, to friends up north, to a party that was funfilled and lively and I have had a lovely time. Hubby and I are being kinder to each other, gentler and more affectionate, it feels calmer. But it has a strange discomfort about it, I want to love him, I want to be able to fancy him again, I want to have the urge to throw myself into a new type of relationship with him.

So why is it that there is still this deep hole in the middle of my chest that threatens to tear apart so painfully if I allow my head or my heart to dwell on any thought of the dream I once allowed myself to believe........