I have been thinking very carefully over the last few weeks. And I have been trying, once more I have been trying.
I have tried to encourage more conversation with hubby. I have encouraged a few evenings out to the cinema and for meals. I invited him to join me on a weekend with my friends from the North. I have spent more time sitting in the same room with him reading while he watches television rather than logging in for endless hours.
I have hugged him, initiated kisses with him, cuddled him in bed. I have complimented and thanked him. I have asked him to do small acts for me and been grateful. I have told him that I love him.
During the last 25 years I have known him I have given him everything, all of myself, all that I knew I was at the time. I have kept his home, supported him and bore his children. He has done the same for me but seemingly from a distance, guarded. I still can't truly say I know the man.
Last night I clambered onto the sofa beside him and encouraged a little kissing, he responded gently but I felt with reservation. "Do you fancy me?" I asked adolescently.
He paused and looked at me for more seconds than was healthy and then replied "Well you don't fancy me". Tit for tat? I blinked at him and walked away, muttering that of course, thats why I was curled against him trying to kiss a response from him.
I am invisible. I became invisible. I gave my all and he let me vanish. My everything wasn't enough.
I met my lover. He responded, so I gave my all to him, everything, every fibre of my being, my soul, my head, my heart, I thought he'd done the same. He rejected me, my everything wasn't enough.
And now I try and rekindle, to become visible again, All I have ever wanted is to be loved, wanted, needed, desired,. Is that so much to ask? But nobody wants me.
What this has shown me is that it isn't lover that I still crave it was the 'love' I thought I had found with him. It wasn't real it seems, it didnt last, like some cheap gold ring that loses its colour and turns your finger green. But just briefly I tasted what I had always wanted and to be rejected still by hubby when he claims not to want to lose me breaks my heart again nearly as badly as my lover broke it.
♫ So nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll go and eat worms ♫