I have never spared you any details about how much I miss and still long for my lover. Even after all this time I still think of him daily, part of me longs to be able to stop, to flick the 'off' switch on thoughts and emotions and part of me I have to admit is terrified of forgetting how to love, how he made me feel, what he made me feel. Its still a very dark place I find myself in sometimes.
But there is one thing I have resolved in my head, the timing of his admission that he couldn't leave his wife for me meant that I never had to make the decision myself to leave my world. I had promised him I would move the 180 miles to be with him so he could still be close to his small children, still be a part of their daily lives, I know to have lost that would have destroyed him, they are his life, but that decision would have meant I would leave the city I was born in, my daughters, my parents and my friends as well as neighbours and work colleagues. It would have meant total upheaval.
Of course at the time I was so very very sure that I was willing to do this, willing to alter my life completely to be with this man. We were over before I had to make the break, of course they had all been told it was going to happen but I never had to actually test my resolve by packing and saying goodbyes.
And every day I am glad for that. In the 15 months since we parted I have watched my girls grow more, mature more and live more. Their beauty captures me each time I see them, I inhale the scent of them when they hug me close, who would help with their hair and makeup for special occasions? Who would have helped with youngest daughters sewing project and hand sew buttons and frills on? Who would have been there to hug them and tell them how amazing they are when they are feeling especially female and fragile?
And my darling parents, my Mum's broken ankle and all the care and visiting, my Daddy now so inceasingly frail , both needing me around for tasks that are now beyond them...
There will be a day when my parents have gone and my daughters have spread their wings and made new nests of their own, and then maybe then I will be free to follow my own longings....but for now I bind the pieces of my broken heart tightly together and allow myself the pleasure of the silver lining.... my family and friends still close by to me.