Tuesday, 30 June 2009

St Valentines Day Massacre

Originally Posted - 15 Feb 2009

I have had a bit of a struggle this last week.

A myriad of reasons really but just a wee catalogue of bummers that have made me feel low and spookily fragile again.

My cousins 23 year old son has lymphoma and is currently receiving intense chemotherapy in an effort to halt or slow down its progress, my period is now 16 days late and although there is no doubt whatsoever that it is nothing more than ‘my age’ it pisses me off and makes me feel grouchy, I have been following the terror and heartache of people I have grown to care about caught up in the fires in Victoria, on Monday a gorgeous, vibrant man I have known since we were at Junior school together lost his fight for life after major heart surgery and db and I have agreed that we should finally sever all contact with each other as it appears he has been keeping in touch ‘to help me’. I will NOT be an obligation, I am better than that.

It was also agreed a fortnight ago that hubby and I would take a week to ‘make an effort’ with each other, spend some quality time, (he) watch less tv, (me) spend less time on the internet. We would go out together, talk to each other and generally see if we can rub those two sticks together and if not get a spark at least see a bit of smoke….

It never happened. First night he went out with ‘lady friend’, second day he said perhaps we ought to start after the Super Bowl, there were no nights out mentioned and after 5 days of our ‘week’ I sat him down and asked him why it was not panning out as it could have done. I asked him to write a list of all the things that he didn’t like about me (what!?!? My friends cried!! Are you mad!!??) but I wanted to know what it was that was stopping him from putting in what I saw as any effort at all when he has ‘told’ me that he wishes us to stay together and try.

Quite frankly the list when it was done was feeble and it made me question if he really ever knew me at all. He said he had wanted ‘the little woman’, I have NEVER been the little woman, it is not that I was and then have changed! We went through the rest of the week with as much enthusiasm as a cat in a bath!

So add a failed week of marriage building to the scenario.

I know that I can’t expect things to be a quick fix, least of all in a mere week, maybe not ever but shit if we cant make a success of 7 short days there isn’t much hope for the rest of our lives.

Yesterday was Valentines Day, a day for lovers

I received flowers. I had a take away and watched a movie while nibbling chocolates. And then I spent almost an hour chatting to a lovely man who made me smile, laugh and solved my problems with his attention to detail and determination to get to the root of my discontent.

The perfect Valentines Day? No she’s says laughing so as not to appear bitter.

The flowers were a bunch from the supermarket still with the price on paid for by my wages when he nipped to get some groceries, given to me with the words “I know we’re not really doing Valentines but I thought you’d like these”, the chocolates were bought for me and my daughter to share, the takeaway was McDonalds because my daughter was late getting home from her friends and we grabbed it instead of cooking, the film was lovely and watched with my daughter while my husband met his ‘lady friend’ for a drink in the evening and the man on the phone? A lovely guy named Anil in the ‘aol’ call centre in Delhi who solved my connection problems at 10pm last night after not being able to get on the internet all day.

In actual fact although I sound bitter I really don’t feel it, I actually feel that the time is coming for some decisions where it is not just me who is seen as the failure, the bad guy, but where we both have to take responsibility for the shambles we find ourselves in.

Hope you all had a successful and romantic day and to mike and jack, thank you for my Valentine messages, they made me smile.

Monday, 29 June 2009

The Key to a Woman

Originally Posted - 9 Feb 2009

I am a frequent visitor to my favourite chat room and have met some wonderfully entertaining and warm people here, many are now people I think of as real friends and I have developed genuine affection for them.

It was during one of my afternoon visits a few days ago when I found myself alone in the room with five submissive guys, some of them regulars who I have chatted to before and a couple of new guys who were exploring.

The chat was funny, friendly and flirty and made me smile lots! Among the banter were some pretty predictable suggestions about what I could do with them all and some enquiries about how to take their exploration a little further.

I don’t do random play in the chatroom, so harmless banter abound I kept them entertained for a while. Some were talking about the ladies in their lives and it made me think about how I, as a woman, long to be treated.

I told them that the best piece of advice I could give them, Femdom not excluded but not the priority, was to treat a woman how you want her to be.

Simple…..the key to a woman....

I know I have written extensively and nauseatingly about my lost love but the simple truth remains.

He treated me differently. He told me I was beautiful, he treated me like I was precious; he made love to me like I was the most desirable woman alive, he addressed me with total love, respect and adoration, our time together was as if we were magical and any contact with him made me feel loved, wonderful and amazing.

I was ALL those things to him, for him, with him because that was how he made me feel.

My husband has told me he doesn’t ‘fancy’ me, he doesn’t find me particularly arousing, he treats me like a failure because our home isn’t spotless and pristine (he tells me now 20yrs after he married me he really wanted me to be 'the little woman at home'), he treats me as if I were invisible seeming to prefer sport on Sky to my company. And that is what I had become and sadly what I fear more than anything becoming again.

An invisible, un-fanciable, failed housekeeper.

But I am not! I am beautiful, warm, funny and desirable! What I am working on now is not relying on other people to make me feel this way, but finding ways of making myself feel those things….so I can hold my head up high and face the world with a smile.

So my suggestion all you out there, is treat that woman how you wish her to be, it may just work!

Sunday, 28 June 2009

"You cannot remind me - I never forget"

Originally Posted - 29 Jan 2009

All of us I guess have lost to death someone that they love. The most recent and real for me was my beloved Auntie, my mummy’s twin sister and my Godmother. The pain you feel is physical and real and washes over you at random moments for a long time after the initial loss. Fortunately my experiences with bereavement have, so far, been relatively minimal and confined to elderly relatives.

I read an article this week written by a woman who lost her younger sister to a road traffic accident. It was beautifully written and described how she felt about and dealt with her loss, how she is still dealing with it on a daily basis and how friends and family both reacted to her and helped or hindered her in her grief.

I have been ‘lucky’ in that I have never lost anyone quite that close but while reading the piece she had written, I was struck by the parallels that bereavement has with heartbreak.

I have mentioned before how I have felt ‘bereft’ at the loss of my lover and how hard some days are to deal with and reading this woman’s recount of the period after her sisters death I was not overly shocked to see comparisons to how my emotions have irrationally run away with me at times.

She wrote of her incapacity to function and perform the most basic daily tasks, how even washing hair and dressing became challenges. I knew that, I had been there, that first week when I barely slept, couldn’t eat and didn’t shower for 4 days.

In one of the final paragraphs she wrote “I will never get over it, because I will never get over her. I have discovered that grief is not something that I had to go through, but rather something that I have to learn to live with……..it is an element of 'new' me, a person dramatically altered by my experience”

That is very much how I feel, that somehow by all I have shared and experienced I can and will never be the same again. What I have to attempt to do is make me a better ‘me’ not a lesser ‘me’, to draw a positive from the part of my life so enjoyed but now lost.

“….that when a person dies they do not disappear and you do not simply move on….the loved one, the lost one leaves an everlasting imprint on those left behind……. (death) is a redefinition of a relationship, not an end to it”

And reading those words actually gave me comfort, that what I have been feeling, what I still feel is not madness or idiotic, it’s not my depression. I am quite simply grieving. Bereft. Mourning the loss of someone I love with all my heart and I am just trying to find ways to move forward, move on but still remember that part of my life.

I have some serious decisions to make over the next few weeks, I have to find out where the path now lies for me, I have to discover what I want and make it happen. Those words are not written with wonderful foresight or passion, they are not conjured out of a desire to seem upbeat and positive, they are just flat, simple facts.

I am sorry for any one I have hurt, am hurting or will hurt. But most of all, selfishly I am sorry for me

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Different Strokes

For better or worse I have decided to continue with my unravelling......
I have been home from my holiday over a week now and I did very much reconsider, but I do feel to a degree this is all part of the healing process for me, so I shall continue. Here goes....

Originally Posted - 24 Jan 2009

I have been reading some of the posts and blogs that have been posted here, some new, some older. Many from people far more experienced than me, some from people with less knowledge. But it has set my mind thinking and pondering and ruminating again with regard to my time spent here exploring, learning and meeting people.

I am very aware that we are all human beings and as such have every variety of human traits, strengths, weaknesses, issues and desires. It makes every single one of us as obviously different as our appearance. It means that we all have different opinions, standards and acceptances within our lives.

It makes me smile when there are posts from male submissives declaring that all we females are superior, stronger, wiser and the world should be organised to allow female supremacy, and while it is a lovely idea that all you mere males are inferior to me I know that isn’t so, but I try to respect another’s opinion and thoughts, if that’s the idea that thrills them, floats their boat then so be it.

Equally I have a hard time accepting that all men really do wish to be submissive and should learn to recognise this trait, that all women should want to take on the role of dominant partner, that it is just with education and guidance that all of man (and woman) kind can take on this kind of lifestyle.

Surely as members and visitors to a site such as this, we of all people should have a broader view that there are some who will never understand what we enjoy and explore, just as some of us (switches not included) could never contemplate being in a male dominated coupling, that it is different strokes for different folks and that there is no right or wrong way to conduct oneself, only that we respect another persons choices and preferences.

Each one of us attempts to find the right balance in our relationships, whether it is within a friendship, business partnership, marriage or family. I find that people often write things that seems to be made a great deal of because it is being referred to in a D/s scenario but that really is just as valid in any relationship that we find ourselves dealing with, that there has to be respect and trust and compromise in all circles.

The thing I find rather sad is that as a submissive many seem to accept what is on offer, that they don’t have the strength or experience or rapport to actually consider that their needs are important, it is not just about what is right, proper and good for the Domme, but also about what feels good and rewarding and satisfying for the sub too.

I am not talking purely sexual, any of us that have ‘played’ intensely with someone we care about will know that there is so much more to it than merely the sexual buzz although that of course is where much of this starts. It is like saying that making love is just sex, there is something so much more than just the physical when you truly make love with someone and the same can be said for play.

Of course I am well aware that some people need and crave this to be taken extremely seriously while others merely wish to dabble and have casual liaisons, again it is what makes us all so different, but I do think that is what makes it so important to make sure that whatever relationship you find yourself in your needs are met and matched.

I truly believe that while a man should be thrilled and proud to be accepted as a submissive by his Domme, that she should also be honoured that he gives himself to her. That without her he is isn't a sub, but equally without him she is no more a Domme than a wet lettuce leaf, that there has to be that mutual respect. But of course that is only my humble opinion and that as such should be humored and tolerated as any others.

It is no good judging and forming opinions on someone’s life and thoughts when deep down we know that it is our very human nature that leads to all the different make ups of human characters and personalities.

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Passport at The Ready

I am off to Portugal for a few days for a holiday with 5 girl friends and so there will be a gap in my postings for a while.

Will I resume my posts when I return? I am not sure. There are a few more, but I began this blog to work over all the things that had brought me to this point in my life from the last two and half years.

Has it helped me? Hmmm, thats a toughy.

Am I feeling any better for posting them? Again I am not sure, they have served the purpose of reminding of moments I had forgotten and have looked at differently with hindsight ( awonderful thing that should be available from all good Opticians free of charge!).

After my holiday I have some soul searching and decisions to make so I will perhaps use my blog to empty my mind and formulate thoughts in a different way.

Thank you for all of you who have read so far....... see you when I am tanned and relaxed!

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Open Letter to db


RIP db.

I know you will read this, I know you will log in at some point and take a peep and I know you will read my words.

I have often read ‘open letters’ in magazines and thought how bizarre it is to write publicly to someone words that are often so private and personal. And yet here I am writing words myself. Why? Because I want not only you but my wee world here to know that I am ok, fine, better than fine and surviving.

Only you and I know the details of the conversations we have had over the last 6 days, only you know of the deepest of hurt I have felt and only I know the reasons you have caused me that hurt, the words that have cut the deepest.

Even in the relationship that we so proudly hailed as ‘dealing only in honesty’ it seems that there have been misunderstandings. Although I know that we really did fall deeply in love and I have no doubt that the love you felt was real, (I have looked into your eyes, looked into your soul and you have exposed and given yourself to me in such ways that there can be no doubt) that our love really was just a wonderful fantasy, that although maybe at some level you really thought that we could be ‘real’ that when it came to it you knew our world was ‘fantastical’.

I have been shocked at how badly this has hurt me, almost broken me....almost. It has been many years since I have experienced heartbreak and like childbirth, nature and time has a wonderful way of making us forget the terrifying pain that you feel, so it has shocked me that I have felt so mentally debilitated and physically broken by the grief I have felt.

It seems that once we had fallen for each other that at the time we both, I know I certainly did, thought that we were so in tune with each others emotions that we both craved the same. And I think that while we were in each others company we did.

I tried very hard never to put pressure on you to feel that you had to give more than you were willing or able, we knew we were both married with a family, I knew you had said you could and would never leave and although I never asked you to do so you knew that I would have given up what was left of my marriage for a chance for us.

I had freedom, independent income, time and as your time, freedom, resources were all limited to give us the chance to meet on first and subsequent occasions I made myself as available as possible whenever, wherever and as easily as possible. By phone, on the net and in person. I thought it was what we both wanted; I still believe that at the time it was what we both wanted.

It seems now that the love you felt for me was a weight around your neck, it seems you have issues saying no or refusing anything ask of you by someone you love and although you have publicly written that I was the ONLY person that you ever have stood up to, it now seems you believe that my love for you 'manipulated' you to do and feel things that were not at ease doing or feeling.

That idea had caused me as much pain as our separation.

I have two options. I can hate and be bitter and scream into the void that you are despised and a liar and you have twisted everything I and we have felt for each other.
Or I can forgive and move on and remember the love we had as something special and magical.

I don’t want to tarnish what we had. I want to have happy and joyous memories. Some of the things we shared, places, experiences, laughter, friendship have been some of the happiest, most exciting, funniest and erotic of my whole life. I don’t want to look back on that with regret or sadness, I want to be able to remember it all with pride and pleasure.

When things were good between us we made each other feel amazing people. You made me feel brave and beautiful, confident and carefree, delicious and desirable. I want to hold onto those feelings, just because you are no longer around to tell me I am those things is no reason for me to lose that feeling. I hope one day that you will be able to believe that you were the person I believed in. I really did believe in you.

You say you are terrified because you let me so far into your life that I have the power to destroy you. What is that signature line we have quoted so often? “Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you and trusting them not to”

I loved you. I will never destroy you although you gave me the ‘ability’ to. Trust me, trust what was us.

We are over, we are ended. I have hurt and I still do but I am whole and happy and will continue to grow and be the woman I grew to like.

Take care. Be you and strive for the happiness that we all deserve. Goodbye db.

Monday, 8 June 2009

Happy New Year To Me...

Originally Posted - 11 Jan 2009

Happy New year to me! Yes I know, I know, it was January the 1st ten days ago, and yes you all made new years resolutions to eat less, exercise more, give up smoking, buy a thicker butt plug, I know, I know!

But I didn't. I slipped 'effortlessly' from 2008 to 2009 without as much as a murmur about turning a new leaf or being resolved.

But tonight is Tormentress' New Years Eve, I haven't found a new religion or discovered ancient ancestral roots in some far flung land that has a different calender, I have just made today, tonight, the end of my year and tomorrow morning when I wake it will be a new one, a new day, a new week, a new month and a new year.

I am not going to make rash promises about how many gyms I will join, how many calories I shall uncount or how I will spend less, I am not about to embark of a morning ritual of urine-drinking or become vegan and I am not going give more to charity.

In simple words, when I wake up tomorrow I am going to live, I am going to draw breath deep into my lungs and start a new spark of life in my heart, I am going to open my sleepy blue eyes and drink in the dull morning light and start the rest of my life.

As me.

A strong, bright, worthy person. And woe betide anyone who tries to belittle, deceive or take that away from me this year.

Happy New Year to Me

Sunday, 7 June 2009

The Capital Revisited.....

Originally Posted - 1 Jan 2009

Oh what a different experience this time.

Of course you may remember that back in the summer I blogged about my visit to London with db, my wonderful adventure into the capital with my sub-lover, he took me on the London Eye, we wandered around in the balmy evening crowds, ate Chinese, visited a ‘magical’ wine bar and perused the shops in Soho. It was a wonderful day, he wearing my recently presented collar, me so proud and thrilled and confident with him by my side.

Christmas has been both lovely and emotionally painful at the same time, my brother and parents spending time with us, my girls a year older each Christmas changing the dynamics as they become young adults, calm relaxing days at home indulging in too much food and drink, and of course familiar warm company in the form of my long-suffering husband.

As we were all thrown together for New Years Eve, no party invites, no visitors planned and 2 girls who would grumble at the ‘boring’ night in, I suggested that we drive the 100+ miles down to the capital and witness for ourselves the festivities that we watch from the safety and warmth of our living rooms each year. The suggestion was greeted with first tentative then enthusiastic yes’s!

And so that is what we did! Armed with hats, scarves and gloves donned in layers and secure bags we set off down the motorway and headed to ‘town’.

We arrived safely and easily and the girls got excited as the spotted landmarks, the Natural History Museum surrounded by tiny-fairy-light festooned trees, Harrods (obscenely lit up like some Arab temple), Harvey Nicks with its classy sale windows, and finding ourselves in a ‘fairly familiar’ area and not knowing quite where all the road closures would kick in, we decided to park and take to the streets.

We wrapped ourselves in the coats and garb stashed in the boot, memorised streets and surrounding building to locate ourselves and headed off in the general direction of the ‘action’. We passed though Royal Parks and Buckingham Palace, Park Lane (the girls intrigued at the huge queue of young party-goers waiting to enter into a rather exclusive looking hotel for what was probably a disgustingly expensive night out), we trekked down traffic-less streets as vehicles were diverted away from the centre, we followed fellow ‘revellers’ convinced that everyone knew where they were going except us! Eventually the London Eye all lit with coloured lights came into view, our destination, directions to viewing areas lit up to follow.

So many sites and sounds, the girls first taste of big city life on a New Years Eve (crowds in our home city centre will never again seem daunting by comparison), Police presence on every corner, mounted Police parading in the street (avoiding the horse shit became as big a challenge as finding the way) and every nationality of every shape and size seemed to fill the streets.

We eventually made the decision to head down the Strand to view it all from Waterloo Bridge. (I was a little disappointed that we weren’t directly facing the display but found being where I had been with db very painful at times so with hindsight was probably best where we were) I stood with my family, looking at my beautiful girls glowy and chilled from the night air, my husband by my side protective of his brood, wiggling to broadcast music played over huge speakers as the hour or so turned to mere minutes till the new day arrived.

The countdown…..10, 9, 8……..and everyone chanted along……5, 4…….we all smiling at each other among the crowd…….2, 1….HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 2009!! Big Ben struck midnight accompanied by the boom of 12 explosive fireworks synchronised with each bong of the huge bell, we all hugged and then the crowd fell strangely quiet as the fireworks began!

It was an experience. I am not sure one I would wish to do again but an experience never the less. I remembered how safe and secure I had felt with db in the summer, my man beside me who was familiar with London life and streets, who knew where he was taking me and where we were visiting, who pointed out places of interest and landmarks and I thought how at odds I felt while there with my family but I think now looking back it was because I had my girls with me, my nurture and protect head was on, not the carefree reveller but the responsible parent, we grasped a ‘child’ each and clung on as we headed back through the crowds, aware of drunken rowdiness and the heaving partiers. (Around 700,000 the papers report today!)

And as we left and I looked back at the huge London Eye still illuminated against the night sky, framed by trees and buildings, I remembered my first view of it back in July with db and my eyes sprang with tears and I gripped onto my beautiful daughter and trekked on back to the car.

We passed back through the streets, returning over the park, passing the earlier party-goers from the posh hotel, not immune by their expensive night out from the indignity of sitting crumpled in the gutter as they puked on their shoes and argued with their girlfriends. We got back to the warmth of our car and headed back home, travelling the still busy streets and speeding through the night returning to “The North” as the motorway signs so quaintly call it. And we arrived back safely, our family, to our warm home and beds and the beginning of a new year for us to face, new challenges to deal with and maybe new hope for a kind and calm year.

Happy New Year, may it bring you whatever dreams you hold in your heart and if it doesn’t remember the experiences you have had along the way.

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Strange Thoughts and Ramblings

Originally Posted - 5 Dec 2008

Very strange thought patterns today. So many things going through my head, so many and so rapid it makes my head hurt and spin and me almost feel dizzy.

A week or so ago I spoke to my friend and told her how I didn’t know if I could love my husband again, wasn’t sure I would ever be able to conjure up feelings of love and lust and desire. She told me something that at the time seemed really wise. That if I had lost a love to death (and she should know, her husband died almost 4 years ago) that I wouldn’t try and fall in love again straight away, even if I was married to the person I was trying to fall in love with, that I would let myself grieve, let my heart heal, wait until the terrible pain of their loss had subsided and I felt strong enough to begin to think of feelings for another, and then I would take it slowly.

And that is what I have been doing, I cry when I need to cry, I lose myself in thoughts of my lost love, sometimes it causes me deep pain, sometimes I am able to remember and relive times and they make me smile. I lie sometimes in my bed and remember the sheer joy of stirring and being conscious of him by my side, to wake and hear his gentle breathing beside me and know that when I snuggle close I will find him there. The memory of opening my eyes and looking into his, our mouths smiling our good mornings to one another, I can sometimes remember those things with love.

My husband is being wonderful. He can see my pain, he can see how I hurt, and I tell him! We talk and I tell him how I am feeling and all the thoughts that tumble through my head, the anger at times, the confusion, the bewilderment. He has no answers but he holds me while I cry and he strokes my hair and he comforts me. I don’t know whether we have a future but one thing is for sure that even if we were to part now, we have a greater understanding of each other and we would part as friends. I do want to try to love him again, I do want to attempt to be someone he can fall back in love with too but in all honesty my heart and head is too raw to think beyond each day.

My biggest confusion is my Loves ability to completely cut me from his life. He has responded to my text messages and emails, occasionally, but he seems to have had the immense strength just to blank me. And that in itself leads to more trains of thought and more questions.

Is he hurting still as much as me?
If he loved me as deeply as I believed he did (hell you all read the piece he wrote for me!) if he loved me as intensely as he always made me feel, how can he just have switched off those emotions? He appears to be throwing himself into making things work with his forgiving wife, it seems he has made up his mind already that it IS going to work, there is no room for failure and I think how my heart hurts and aches and longs for him, how completely lost I feel without his friendship and his words, without the daily contact and conversations with him, without being able to share my life with words with him and I wonder does he feel that too and if he does how can he MAKE himself fall in love with her again, how can he manage to skip the grieving and heart healing process? And if he has, could he please let me in on the secret because I so wish I could do the same, take all these thoughts out of my head and discard them!

I have always written and said he was my lover, my submissive but also one of my best friends, well my BEST friend really. He knew all that my friends know of me plus all the lover stuff, so I guess he knew me as well if not better than anyone. We hadn’t spent that many occasions in each others company, far too few, probably only amounting to a couple of weeks in total over the 2 years we had known each other. But because of our long conversations, our shared chatter about all subjects, fantasies, dreams, loves, disappointments, daily life, I have probably spoke more words to him in the last 2 years than I have to my husband in the last 6! And it is his friendship I feel more keenly than anything else.

It is now 19 days since I have felt a glimmer of desire. From the moment the process of our parting was started I have felt dead inside. Ours was such a sexually charged relationship, an hours conversation about our day would end up arousing us both, just the sound of our voices, so much time spent apart meant so much of our play and yes, love-making, was done over the phone, over the internet, by webcam and text. I can’t imagine feeling lust again at the moment and I wonder how he is fairing. How can he muster up desire if he feels like me?

And there is a part of me that so hopes he has discovered I wasn’t the love of his life, that it was all a big mistake and fantastical dream, that this is the reason he has wiped me from his life because I was a big mistake and it was his wife that he loved all along, they had just lost the way and that now with me out the way they are working towards being everything he had ever hoped they could be. There is a part of me that truly wants that because if he is feeling like I do, bereft and hurting; like everyday at the moment is a struggle to stop the pain overwhelming me, like my libido has taken a gap year and not given me a return date, then to be making the effort he seems to be making to make everything right in his marriage must be so dreadfully hard.

I know I will recover, I will get stronger, I will repair (all be it a little scarred and battered) but I am really not sure that I will ever be able to love again like I have done, partly because I will never meet that man again and partly because I fear that I can never give myself so completely again for fear of being broken again.

Monday, 1 June 2009

The Agony Aunt

Originally Posted - 2 Oct 2008

Dear ‘Ivor Query’

I have a bike. It’s just a bike, my bike, nothing special; I've had it for years. I've used it a bit but over the last 2 years I restored it, I got it out and polished, lovingly shone the chrome work, oiled the chain and handlebars, adjusted and tightened it, buffed up its lumpy, worn and shiny seat. I discovered that it still rides like a dream.

My best friend also has a bike of their own, a slightly newer model than mine, they were quite content with it although often complained bitterly about its stiff brakes, uncomfortable seat and dodgy steering. It didn’t work very well but they always said theirs would do and they seemed to love it.

I have been sharing my bike with my best friend and made it available to them whenever they wanted, they have used it as often as they were able. It has taken us to some brilliant places and we have had such fun together with my old refurbished chassis. My friend loved the paintwork and the suspension, adored the steering control and was intrigued by my bell. But it’s just a bike, not fancy, not a sleek fantastic model, not expensive brand, it’s just my bike.

Now suddenly they say they can't make use of it any more. I think it might be broken and I'm not sure I will ever get to ride it again myself. It may just sit in storage and get cobwebby and a little rusty which seems such a shame.

My problem is that now my friend is cross with me, saying that their bike doesn’t feel right anymore, that they don’t know if they can get it restored to good working order so they can ever enjoy it again. They are blaming me for letting them ride mine and tell me that my beautiful bike has made theirs feel wrong.

I have pointed out to my friend that they weren’t that impressed with theirs anyway, before I even let them have a go on mine, that I know they complained about it lots, that they had looked longingly at new bikes and pondered on what it would be like to have even a quick spin on one of the super duper shiny jobs. I know they had pawed over the thin lightweight frames, the thick chunky mountain models and the neon painted power bikes. Mine is just a bike. And I thought that by letting them share it that it would make them happy and glad to have a friend, I had hoped that while riding it together we would have so much fun that having one that didn’t work wouldn’t matter so much to my friend. But now it seems I have made them even more discontent with what they have. I feel quite upset that this has happened and hope they don't make me regret letting them have a go on mine.

Do you think I should sell mine on Ebay?

I hope you can help me,

‘The Broken Biker’