I have had a bit of a struggle this last week.
A myriad of reasons really but just a wee catalogue of bummers that have made me feel low and spookily fragile again.
My cousins 23 year old son has lymphoma and is currently receiving intense chemotherapy in an effort to halt or slow down its progress, my period is now 16 days late and although there is no doubt whatsoever that it is nothing more than ‘my age’ it pisses me off and makes me feel grouchy, I have been following the terror and heartache of people I have grown to care about caught up in the fires in Victoria, on Monday a gorgeous, vibrant man I have known since we were at Junior school together lost his fight for life after major heart surgery and db and I have agreed that we should finally sever all contact with each other as it appears he has been keeping in touch ‘to help me’. I will NOT be an obligation, I am better than that.
It was also agreed a fortnight ago that hubby and I would take a week to ‘make an effort’ with each other, spend some quality time, (he) watch less tv, (me) spend less time on the internet. We would go out together, talk to each other and generally see if we can rub those two sticks together and if not get a spark at least see a bit of smoke….
It never happened. First night he went out with ‘lady friend’, second day he said perhaps we ought to start after the Super Bowl, there were no nights out mentioned and after 5 days of our ‘week’ I sat him down and asked him why it was not panning out as it could have done. I asked him to write a list of all the things that he didn’t like about me (what!?!? My friends cried!! Are you mad!!??) but I wanted to know what it was that was stopping him from putting in what I saw as any effort at all when he has ‘told’ me that he wishes us to stay together and try.
Quite frankly the list when it was done was feeble and it made me question if he really ever knew me at all. He said he had wanted ‘the little woman’, I have NEVER been the little woman, it is not that I was and then have changed! We went through the rest of the week with as much enthusiasm as a cat in a bath!
So add a failed week of marriage building to the scenario.
I know that I can’t expect things to be a quick fix, least of all in a mere week, maybe not ever but shit if we cant make a success of 7 short days there isn’t much hope for the rest of our lives.
Yesterday was Valentines Day, a day for lovers
I received flowers. I had a take away and watched a movie while nibbling chocolates. And then I spent almost an hour chatting to a lovely man who made me smile, laugh and solved my problems with his attention to detail and determination to get to the root of my discontent.
The perfect Valentines Day? No she’s says laughing so as not to appear bitter.
The flowers were a bunch from the supermarket still with the price on paid for by my wages when he nipped to get some groceries, given to me with the words “I know we’re not really doing Valentines but I thought you’d like these”, the chocolates were bought for me and my daughter to share, the takeaway was McDonalds because my daughter was late getting home from her friends and we grabbed it instead of cooking, the film was lovely and watched with my daughter while my husband met his ‘lady friend’ for a drink in the evening and the man on the phone? A lovely guy named Anil in the ‘aol’ call centre in Delhi who solved my connection problems at 10pm last night after not being able to get on the internet all day.
In actual fact although I sound bitter I really don’t feel it, I actually feel that the time is coming for some decisions where it is not just me who is seen as the failure, the bad guy, but where we both have to take responsibility for the shambles we find ourselves in.
Hope you all had a successful and romantic day and to mike and jack, thank you for my Valentine messages, they made me smile.
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