Thursday, 4 June 2009

Strange Thoughts and Ramblings

Originally Posted - 5 Dec 2008

Very strange thought patterns today. So many things going through my head, so many and so rapid it makes my head hurt and spin and me almost feel dizzy.

A week or so ago I spoke to my friend and told her how I didn’t know if I could love my husband again, wasn’t sure I would ever be able to conjure up feelings of love and lust and desire. She told me something that at the time seemed really wise. That if I had lost a love to death (and she should know, her husband died almost 4 years ago) that I wouldn’t try and fall in love again straight away, even if I was married to the person I was trying to fall in love with, that I would let myself grieve, let my heart heal, wait until the terrible pain of their loss had subsided and I felt strong enough to begin to think of feelings for another, and then I would take it slowly.

And that is what I have been doing, I cry when I need to cry, I lose myself in thoughts of my lost love, sometimes it causes me deep pain, sometimes I am able to remember and relive times and they make me smile. I lie sometimes in my bed and remember the sheer joy of stirring and being conscious of him by my side, to wake and hear his gentle breathing beside me and know that when I snuggle close I will find him there. The memory of opening my eyes and looking into his, our mouths smiling our good mornings to one another, I can sometimes remember those things with love.

My husband is being wonderful. He can see my pain, he can see how I hurt, and I tell him! We talk and I tell him how I am feeling and all the thoughts that tumble through my head, the anger at times, the confusion, the bewilderment. He has no answers but he holds me while I cry and he strokes my hair and he comforts me. I don’t know whether we have a future but one thing is for sure that even if we were to part now, we have a greater understanding of each other and we would part as friends. I do want to try to love him again, I do want to attempt to be someone he can fall back in love with too but in all honesty my heart and head is too raw to think beyond each day.

My biggest confusion is my Loves ability to completely cut me from his life. He has responded to my text messages and emails, occasionally, but he seems to have had the immense strength just to blank me. And that in itself leads to more trains of thought and more questions.

Is he hurting still as much as me?
If he loved me as deeply as I believed he did (hell you all read the piece he wrote for me!) if he loved me as intensely as he always made me feel, how can he just have switched off those emotions? He appears to be throwing himself into making things work with his forgiving wife, it seems he has made up his mind already that it IS going to work, there is no room for failure and I think how my heart hurts and aches and longs for him, how completely lost I feel without his friendship and his words, without the daily contact and conversations with him, without being able to share my life with words with him and I wonder does he feel that too and if he does how can he MAKE himself fall in love with her again, how can he manage to skip the grieving and heart healing process? And if he has, could he please let me in on the secret because I so wish I could do the same, take all these thoughts out of my head and discard them!

I have always written and said he was my lover, my submissive but also one of my best friends, well my BEST friend really. He knew all that my friends know of me plus all the lover stuff, so I guess he knew me as well if not better than anyone. We hadn’t spent that many occasions in each others company, far too few, probably only amounting to a couple of weeks in total over the 2 years we had known each other. But because of our long conversations, our shared chatter about all subjects, fantasies, dreams, loves, disappointments, daily life, I have probably spoke more words to him in the last 2 years than I have to my husband in the last 6! And it is his friendship I feel more keenly than anything else.

It is now 19 days since I have felt a glimmer of desire. From the moment the process of our parting was started I have felt dead inside. Ours was such a sexually charged relationship, an hours conversation about our day would end up arousing us both, just the sound of our voices, so much time spent apart meant so much of our play and yes, love-making, was done over the phone, over the internet, by webcam and text. I can’t imagine feeling lust again at the moment and I wonder how he is fairing. How can he muster up desire if he feels like me?

And there is a part of me that so hopes he has discovered I wasn’t the love of his life, that it was all a big mistake and fantastical dream, that this is the reason he has wiped me from his life because I was a big mistake and it was his wife that he loved all along, they had just lost the way and that now with me out the way they are working towards being everything he had ever hoped they could be. There is a part of me that truly wants that because if he is feeling like I do, bereft and hurting; like everyday at the moment is a struggle to stop the pain overwhelming me, like my libido has taken a gap year and not given me a return date, then to be making the effort he seems to be making to make everything right in his marriage must be so dreadfully hard.

I know I will recover, I will get stronger, I will repair (all be it a little scarred and battered) but I am really not sure that I will ever be able to love again like I have done, partly because I will never meet that man again and partly because I fear that I can never give myself so completely again for fear of being broken again.

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