Sunday, 26 September 2010

Close Encounter......

Quite amusingly my husband teased me when we first met many years ago that he was an alien, from a different planet. It was a silly tease and I can't remember all these years later how it began, something to do with the shape his fingers made when held close together. It used to make me chuckle when if anything occurred that was a little extraordinary we would grin and agree that it was probably due to his alien background!

When the girls were smaller I told them of this silliness and a few times they joined in with the giggle, a chorus of "it's cos daddy's an alien!!" when he did something peculiar.

Of course it now doesn't seem quite so funny, when I think back to how detached we have become, how hard he is to relate to, how 'deep' he keeps his feelings. Sometimes I wonder how I ever thought I could get beneath the surface and know him.

My Mummy isn't doing so well, unlike the warm, radiant lady I have known all my life she is now struggling. She is pale, cool, gaunt. Her once unwavering appetite has diminished. She is constantly breathless. She is fading, her heart failing. It was her birthday on Friday, and too many visitors, all well meaning, wore her out. She'd had a bad night and when I visited on Saturday she wasn't very bright. When I got home I got a upset and tearful and hubby gave me a hug and said it was understandable, it was only human to get upset about seeing my Mum like that.

And that made me think back to when his Mum (remember MIL?) was so ill and stopping with us. So with a (regrettably) scathing remark I mumbled about him obviously not being human as he had shown no emotion over the demise of his own Mum.......
The 'idea' that he might be from another world fleeted across my mind and this time it didn't seem funny at all!

I read a lovely book the recently where there was marital disharmony (of course it all turned out all right and had a happy ending - damn) but there was a single line in there that so summed up how I often feel at times when hubby and I 'share' a moment, I felt I had to quote it.....

"...the mortar of misunderstanding filled the small crack I had made in my hard, dark shell"

A perfect line, one I would love to claim as my own but sadly not. But there it is, my feelings in a nutshell.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

The Empty Swan Song

I have lost my voice.....

Not in the physical sense, but I have lost my blog voice. I simply can't write at the moment. Nothing that is in my head and heart feels exposable. I can't write of my darkest fears for fear they actually may look simply too frightening written here in black and white (or whatever colour my font turns them into on the page) Equally I dare not reveal my deepest hopes, they too may look hideously selfish and fantastical when staring right back at me from the screen.

I feel the only way I am surviving at the present time is by being swan-like.....serene, calm and pure, all surface beauty....the frantic paddling of my feet below the line of the water unseen by the passer-by or casual observer.

In a nutshell I am missing contact with K like mad! The first 3 weeks were hideous! I was totally obsessed with the thought of him, everything I did or thought felt like I simply had to tell him about it! I am not sure whether it was helped or hindered by the fact he was away on his annual family holiday, so would have been unavailable to me much of the time even if we had still been a red-hot-item! I knew that I couldn't make contact, but I also imagined him having a fabby-dabby family time and life being all rosy and sunshiny!

Last week I did contact him, regretted it the moment I had pressed the send button on the damn phone but ultimately was glad I did. He called me, we spoke, for close on an hour. We won't make contact again now until the allotted day of Friday October 1st, we have both agreed, but it never ceases to surprise me how once we have spoken I am filled with this wonderful calm, a feeling of still and wears off, but it is comforting and welcome while it lasts.

The reason for this break on the embargo was I have secured myself a new role at work.
I have spent the last 2 years and 9 months working 3 days in a position that for the most part I have loathed. I have become fairly good at it, I have been recognised and rewarded for being good at it and although I hate to admit it there are days I have come home and felt I have had a good day but for the most part I have felt frustrated and constrained. So back in June I applied for a position as a seconded Training Partner. I was invited for a second interview and was successful! I am thrilled to bits to finally be able to use some of my other people skills in the work place and work in a role that I hope to find more fulfilling.....I simply had to let him know I had got it!

But that leads to another seed of niggly stuff in my head. The position is full time. I originally took my job because they gave me a contract of 3 full days, Mon - Weds each week, allowing me to have every Thursday and Friday free, free to speak on the phone for hours to K, free to indulge my time at home to thinking thoughts of us, free to jump in my car at any given moment and drive to a rendezvous spot to meet him. It was one of the things that made us possible. The full time hours will keep me busy and focussed, they will give me a personal strength and a little more financial security. But they also mean that Friday 1st October could be the last time I may see K, if not for ever...for a very long time...and that is one of those 'frantic-underwater-swan-feet" moments that I dare not let myself think of.

The situation at home is calmer too. We attended 2 sessions of Relate marriage guidance counselling. We needed far more, we can't really afford the fees and both felt after the second meeting that while it had opened up a little communication it wasn't perhaps the best time for us to get the most out of it...... we haven't discounted future appointments but recognise that we both need to feel committed to either resolve (which I don't feel is possible) or compromise and find another route for settling. It appears to have acted a little like a lot of stressful situations do, it draws together those that have the shared experience..the 'ooh we survived that  together' syndrome! So we are being a little kinder to each other, a little gentler, though we still negotiate our world like two housemates as opposed to lovers or spouses....

So I will continue to paddle serenely across this water, watch out for strong currents, avoid the weirs and keep an eye of for thick weeds and perhaps no one will notice the frantic feet paddling desperately underneath......