The Empty Swan Song

I have lost my voice.....

Not in the physical sense, but I have lost my blog voice. I simply can't write at the moment. Nothing that is in my head and heart feels exposable. I can't write of my darkest fears for fear they actually may look simply too frightening written here in black and white (or whatever colour my font turns them into on the page) Equally I dare not reveal my deepest hopes, they too may look hideously selfish and fantastical when staring right back at me from the screen.

I feel the only way I am surviving at the present time is by being swan-like.....serene, calm and pure, all surface beauty....the frantic paddling of my feet below the line of the water unseen by the passer-by or casual observer.

In a nutshell I am missing contact with K like mad! The first 3 weeks were hideous! I was totally obsessed with the thought of him, everything I did or thought felt like I simply had to tell him about it! I am not sure whether it was helped or hindered by the fact he was away on his annual family holiday, so would have been unavailable to me much of the time even if we had still been a red-hot-item! I knew that I couldn't make contact, but I also imagined him having a fabby-dabby family time and life being all rosy and sunshiny!

Last week I did contact him, regretted it the moment I had pressed the send button on the damn phone but ultimately was glad I did. He called me, we spoke, for close on an hour. We won't make contact again now until the allotted day of Friday October 1st, we have both agreed, but it never ceases to surprise me how once we have spoken I am filled with this wonderful calm, a feeling of still and warmth.....it wears off, but it is comforting and welcome while it lasts.

The reason for this break on the embargo was I have secured myself a new role at work.
I have spent the last 2 years and 9 months working 3 days in a position that for the most part I have loathed. I have become fairly good at it, I have been recognised and rewarded for being good at it and although I hate to admit it there are days I have come home and felt I have had a good day but for the most part I have felt frustrated and constrained. So back in June I applied for a position as a seconded Training Partner. I was invited for a second interview and was successful! I am thrilled to bits to finally be able to use some of my other people skills in the work place and work in a role that I hope to find more fulfilling.....I simply had to let him know I had got it!

But that leads to another seed of niggly stuff in my head. The position is full time. I originally took my job because they gave me a contract of 3 full days, Mon - Weds each week, allowing me to have every Thursday and Friday free, free to speak on the phone for hours to K, free to indulge my time at home to thinking thoughts of us, free to jump in my car at any given moment and drive to a rendezvous spot to meet him. It was one of the things that made us possible. The full time hours will keep me busy and focussed, they will give me a personal strength and a little more financial security. But they also mean that Friday 1st October could be the last time I may see K, if not for ever...for a very long time...and that is one of those 'frantic-underwater-swan-feet" moments that I dare not let myself think of.

The situation at home is calmer too. We attended 2 sessions of Relate marriage guidance counselling. We needed far more, we can't really afford the fees and both felt after the second meeting that while it had opened up a little communication it wasn't perhaps the best time for us to get the most out of it...... we haven't discounted future appointments but recognise that we both need to feel committed to either resolve (which I don't feel is possible) or compromise and find another route for settling. It appears to have acted a little like a lot of stressful situations do, it draws together those that have the shared experience..the 'ooh we survived that  together' syndrome! So we are being a little kinder to each other, a little gentler, though we still negotiate our world like two housemates as opposed to lovers or spouses....

So I will continue to paddle serenely across this water, watch out for strong currents, avoid the weirs and keep an eye of for thick weeds and perhaps no one will notice the frantic feet paddling desperately underneath......