Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Open Letter to db


RIP db.

I know you will read this, I know you will log in at some point and take a peep and I know you will read my words.

I have often read ‘open letters’ in magazines and thought how bizarre it is to write publicly to someone words that are often so private and personal. And yet here I am writing words myself. Why? Because I want not only you but my wee world here to know that I am ok, fine, better than fine and surviving.

Only you and I know the details of the conversations we have had over the last 6 days, only you know of the deepest of hurt I have felt and only I know the reasons you have caused me that hurt, the words that have cut the deepest.

Even in the relationship that we so proudly hailed as ‘dealing only in honesty’ it seems that there have been misunderstandings. Although I know that we really did fall deeply in love and I have no doubt that the love you felt was real, (I have looked into your eyes, looked into your soul and you have exposed and given yourself to me in such ways that there can be no doubt) that our love really was just a wonderful fantasy, that although maybe at some level you really thought that we could be ‘real’ that when it came to it you knew our world was ‘fantastical’.

I have been shocked at how badly this has hurt me, almost broken me....almost. It has been many years since I have experienced heartbreak and like childbirth, nature and time has a wonderful way of making us forget the terrifying pain that you feel, so it has shocked me that I have felt so mentally debilitated and physically broken by the grief I have felt.

It seems that once we had fallen for each other that at the time we both, I know I certainly did, thought that we were so in tune with each others emotions that we both craved the same. And I think that while we were in each others company we did.

I tried very hard never to put pressure on you to feel that you had to give more than you were willing or able, we knew we were both married with a family, I knew you had said you could and would never leave and although I never asked you to do so you knew that I would have given up what was left of my marriage for a chance for us.

I had freedom, independent income, time and as your time, freedom, resources were all limited to give us the chance to meet on first and subsequent occasions I made myself as available as possible whenever, wherever and as easily as possible. By phone, on the net and in person. I thought it was what we both wanted; I still believe that at the time it was what we both wanted.

It seems now that the love you felt for me was a weight around your neck, it seems you have issues saying no or refusing anything ask of you by someone you love and although you have publicly written that I was the ONLY person that you ever have stood up to, it now seems you believe that my love for you 'manipulated' you to do and feel things that were not at ease doing or feeling.

That idea had caused me as much pain as our separation.

I have two options. I can hate and be bitter and scream into the void that you are despised and a liar and you have twisted everything I and we have felt for each other.
Or I can forgive and move on and remember the love we had as something special and magical.

I don’t want to tarnish what we had. I want to have happy and joyous memories. Some of the things we shared, places, experiences, laughter, friendship have been some of the happiest, most exciting, funniest and erotic of my whole life. I don’t want to look back on that with regret or sadness, I want to be able to remember it all with pride and pleasure.

When things were good between us we made each other feel amazing people. You made me feel brave and beautiful, confident and carefree, delicious and desirable. I want to hold onto those feelings, just because you are no longer around to tell me I am those things is no reason for me to lose that feeling. I hope one day that you will be able to believe that you were the person I believed in. I really did believe in you.

You say you are terrified because you let me so far into your life that I have the power to destroy you. What is that signature line we have quoted so often? “Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you and trusting them not to”

I loved you. I will never destroy you although you gave me the ‘ability’ to. Trust me, trust what was us.

We are over, we are ended. I have hurt and I still do but I am whole and happy and will continue to grow and be the woman I grew to like.

Take care. Be you and strive for the happiness that we all deserve. Goodbye db.

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