Thoughts of a Rambling Mind

Yesterday I said goodbye. A final farewell blog at the adult site I have been a member of for over 2 years. I tried to keep it quite positive and upbeat but don't mind admitting I was in tears by the time I had finished it, the replies have made me weep more. I have made a few good friends there, some who I know will stay in my life for a long time if not forever.

Of course you can't please all of the people all of the time and I also made some, I won't call them enemies but maybe adversaries, folks who just seemed to like to stir some sort of shite and play mind games.

I am a very trusting person, since I discovered the online world of chat and messaging, blogging and forum posting I have only ever shown the real me, written in truth of emotions and actions or at least in the truth of how they felt or appeared to me. They are my truth. I wrote a long while ago when reposting my original blogs that I was proud and comforted when reading them back, to not once taking in a line or paragraph and thinking "my my girl, you exaggerated that one a bit!".

Because I am like that, admittedly hidden behind the pseudo-names of Tormentress and VelveteenRabbit, I expect and believe that all others are the same. Of course they're not. They make up their own stories, their own pasts, presents and futures, they become perhaps the person they feel they can never be in the real world and sometimes they then find another distraction that means they disappear from the cyber world without a word. For someone who deals in an open heart approach to life and love and gives of herself, what little can be given over the net, this can be confusing and hurtful.

The place I have left is also the site that my lover and I joined to explore our journey into Femdom, its a place that at first I clung to in case he came back to me, then because I got so much support and escapism from the friends I had made there and finally because I thought I could perhaps move on there. I made a new profile, gave myself a new nick but always came back to Tormentress because that was who I had really become, she was now part of me. At times my presence there brought comfort, at times terrible pain for what I was no longer a part of.

Increasingly engaging online has left me feeling used, empty and out of my depth and as it has been proclaimed there will be no 'exploration' of anything less than the mssionary position here (thats if a sexual relationship actually ever resumes and its looking less and less likely!) then my dabbling into that world now feels more fraudulent than ever before.

I have considered writing a novel, I am not sure how to begin and I am googling to find information but at least then I can find escapism in something constructive and perhaps cathartic too. I am glad to still have this place where I can empty my head and heart into the void and not have to pretend to be something that perhaps I never truly was in the first place.