A Thin Veneer

I am in trouble. Biiiiiig trouble.

I am terrified I am spiraling down a rather long dark path again. It's occurred to me a number of times of the last few weeks. And there is no one thing that I can pinpoint that has made me feel this way, I can only admit to a number of things that have made me feel fragile, scared, raw, numb and out of control.

I miss my Mum in a way I never thought I would. I always knew that I would miss her physical presence, her smile, her hugs, her 'I love you's. I accepted that her home would feel strange without her in it. That I would expect to feel her there when I visited. In fact I don't that much. My parents home is always pristine, it is one of those homes that you could invite people to view at any given moment, there were never magazines, books, knitting or random things lying about, nothing for me to physically miss. All things had a proper place, all things were put away and stored where they were supposed to be. It still does. So yes, I miss her and yes I miss her sitting in her place at the kitchen table or being in her favourite chair in the lounge or the sight of her sitting up in bed when I pass her room. But more than that I MISS her. Do any of you out there know what I mean?

I simply haven't got a Mum any more. Oh I know I have, she will always be my Mum, that death doesn't steal the relationship or love we shared. But the here and now is that I am Mum-less. And there are times it completely floors me how much I ache for her, what I wouldn't give to have just one more day with her.

Add to that my Dad. I love my Dad but we have shared an odd relationship over the years. I have never felt quite good enough, a bit of a disappointment to him, so many things that over the years I have felt he hasn't approved of. I can never remember him telling me he loves me.

Sex at the age of 16.
Leaving home and 'carrying on' out on the town at 21.
Marrying a black man at the age of 27.
Never managing to put any money into savings age 30.
Getting fat age 35.

I have felt the weight of his disappointment  all through my life. But I love him, I love him utterly and his disapproval has coloured my life. Now there is just him. No Mum to cushion the relationship, to bridge the gap in us. Just him and me.
I visit him 2 or 3 times a week and we talk more than we have done for many many years. Finally I have seen hints in his words and actions that show his love for me, that express his approval and recognition of the person I have become.
He is sad and lonely and feels he has no purpose anymore, he had made it his personal aim to out live my Mum so he could take care of her. He has achieved it and he now feels he doesn't really have a reason to go on. I know that his one small pleasure is his garden, its winter and damp, cold and dreary, not the weather to go out and potter outside. Especially at 87 and only 2 weeks after a bout of bronchitis and 3 weeks after an operation!

Anyway, as with any elderly parent he gives me cause for concern. I hate the thought of him being sad and yet feel powerless to do anything. I hate the thought of him being lonely and yet he declines all offers of company, invitations and visits. I hate the thought that he has no future to look forward to as such and yet have no answers in the face of his determination to remain in the past.

And I am utterly terrified of losing him too. It means I will then have to grow up, be a grown up myself......

And then of course there is K. I must be totally fucking mad!!! I had just about got myself to a place I could function. Just about, it had been 20 months and he was still my first waking thought and the last when I closed my eyes but at least i thought I knew it was over, that I had to get over it. And now it appears I am back up to my neck in it! We are in contact each and every day, many times a day. We utter I love you's and forevers. We shared 'intimate' moments of a sexual nature (he is my sex life). We chat by phone as often as is possible and have plans for lunch together in a mere 11 days.

Of course you could just accuse him of having his cake and eating it too. And I don't blame you. Except he isn't. He has told me we can't be intimate in real life, that its too much of a betrayal. (Yeah yeah, how can he make love to me with words, tell me he loves me, chat to me for hours, write me poems and send me pictures and it not count as a betrayal? How the hell do I know!!) and yet that is the way he sees it, its the way he can cope with sharing his time, days, thoughts, emotions with me. Quite frankly I would rip any mans head off that had even a smidgen of the intimacy that we shared with another woman, sex or no sex!! But hey, thats me.

And so once again I find myself dangerously embroiled in a love affair that can only end in tears, probably for us both but its mine I am most concerned about.

So I feel my days are spent walking a tightrope, teetering on the edge of a precipice that I might tumble into, crashing through this thin veneer of happiness if I allow myself to wallow in any of these emotions, and that once tumbling I shall just free-fall myself back into a bucket of Happy-Pills once again.......and one of the worst things? I can't tell K, one of my best friends, the one I tell all too. He has just let slip to me this very morning that he thinks his wife is heading for another bout of depression in response to their being issues with his son.....so how can I tell him that his long-distance-lover is also turning into a nutball.........

A Vent into the Void...Not

Its hardly a void is it? Not when there are people out there reading my words. Of course I admit there aren't many of you, a handful of folks intrigued or bored enough to devour my meagre words...but hey my lovelies! you fill the void! So I shall vent to you!

You now know that the relationship with 'K' has been, at least partially, resumed. We chat on an almost daily basis, have arranged a lunch date in early March and are hoping to plan a 'holiday' together ....ha ha ha its a day stolen from his time owed from work but it means we can spend a whole day together, we may go into London and explore!

Now for those of you of a delicate disposition please shield your eyes but I have written that we engage in sexual play of an adult nature before so you shouldn't be too shocked. We manage to lose ourselves in the erotic world of cyber, we make love with words and voices over the phone and we also play Femdom D/s games through the mediums of email, text and the web....shocking stuff!

This is the sum total of my sex life at the moment having not had any intimate contact with my husband for 19 months....nothing....zilch. It makes me sad. Not because I am not having sex with my husband, more because I am not having sex at all! I am a mere *@$?# years old and I have so much love and passion and warmth to give, truly the thought of never making love again makes me groan....and so NOT in a good way! But I have found that amazing 'cyber' sex is better than unsatisfactory real sex and so.........

I also am honest with my husband, as I have previously written, I never saw the point in creating more lies once I had been honest and everything was in the open, I don't go out to be cruel and I don't tell if I'm not ask but if I am I don't lie or pretend.

My Love and I have reverted to our past ways and tell each other often of our affections and thoughts and feelings, its what we do and do it exceptionally well.

So when this weekend he and I got into a wee discussion about morals and I 'jokingly' referred to them as a 'pile of poo' he retorted that was something we have never agreed on and that he was still making "a pathetic attempt at morality" (He means because he has spelled out to me at the end of last year that although he loves me intensely he can "never act on that love" - in other words I don't get shagged!) A follow up text confirmed what I was already thinking, that the irony of that comment wasn't lost on him as he was at that very moment walking around a Garden Centre wearing a pair of ladies panties at my instruction with a semi-erection! Enough said!

I was furious! I bit my tongue and simmered for a while before replying. But when I did I brought to his attention that whatever he thought of MY morals or views on them, it wasn't me that was living a lie or deceiving my spouse. When he and I first met and delved into our 'affair' he seemingly did an extremely good job at convincing wifey that all was good and dandy, for when he finally came clean and told her all she was shocked, she hadn't got a clue, she hadn't been suspicious, she was upset that he claimed he had been so unhappy with her and she hadn't been aware, as a husband he had 'ticked all her boxes'!

We now once again have lots of contact, we speak most days, he tells me he loves me, we share sexual times arousing each other with words and playing games when I know we are both focussed on each other and not our immediate surroundings....so either she is blind or he is doing another bloody good job of making all appear hunky dory at home!

I don't think its my view of 'poo-shaped-morals' that needs to be questioned at all at this moment in time!

End of vent *grins broadly* Thank you for listening..... 

Fools Paradise

I have done a very foolish thing.

What I hear you cry? More foolish than normal?? Ummmm (looks around embarrassed..ummm yes)....

I have asked my ex-lover to meet me for a coffee. I am heading to pick up my daughter and will be passing his place of work. So I text yesterday morning and said I would have to stop on the 3 hour journey for a wee and a coffee and would he be free to share one?

Now back in October last year I asked him to meet me, said I would drive down and I wanted to see him, that I wanted to say goodbye face to face, that I felt he owed me that at least. He refused. He said he didnt feel the need to meet, that it had caused him much anguish deciding to say no but that please dont ask him to.

Since then I haven't ever suggested it again. Until now. Why now?
I'm not sure, I have wracked my brains, searched my head and my heart to fathom out exactly the reason I sent the text message yesterday at 7.22am. All I will confess to is that I was pretty damn sure that he would say no again, in fact I would have put money on it.

So imagine my surprise when at 7.25am I got a reply to say yes, he was doing a course that day but that he would check what time they would break for lunch and let me know.

Now I am in turmoil and questioning why I asked. What do I want from meeting him? Closure? To see if I have been remembering our affair through rose-tinted specs and that when I see him again I will realise what a fool I am for still holding a candle for him? To finally say goodbye? To hope that he regrets not giving us a chance? Maybe a stupid, ridiculous, pathetic mix of all those things.

Ok. Worse case scenario. We meet. I fall apart, am still besotted, he feels nothing, is cold and heartless and I end up back at Square One while he goes home to live happily ever after.

Best case scenario? Oh hell I have been through all sorts of combinations of feelings, my initial thought was best case was that we fall desperately into each others arms, swear undying love forever and go up in a magical puff of smoke and leave the world on a magic cloud (or maybe a volcano ash cloud?) But I think (when reality finally kicked in) that best case would be if we met and found each others company gentle, warm and calm and we were finally able to let go of all the hurt that this intense affair has caused us both.

The liklihood of that? Hmmm probably very low but I guess unless I bottle it and cancel myself, we will find out tomorrow. Think of me x