Thursday, 22 April 2010

Fools Paradise

I have done a very foolish thing.

What I hear you cry? More foolish than normal?? Ummmm (looks around embarrassed..ummm yes)....

I have asked my ex-lover to meet me for a coffee. I am heading to pick up my daughter and will be passing his place of work. So I text yesterday morning and said I would have to stop on the 3 hour journey for a wee and a coffee and would he be free to share one?

Now back in October last year I asked him to meet me, said I would drive down and I wanted to see him, that I wanted to say goodbye face to face, that I felt he owed me that at least. He refused. He said he didnt feel the need to meet, that it had caused him much anguish deciding to say no but that please dont ask him to.

Since then I haven't ever suggested it again. Until now. Why now?
I'm not sure, I have wracked my brains, searched my head and my heart to fathom out exactly the reason I sent the text message yesterday at 7.22am. All I will confess to is that I was pretty damn sure that he would say no again, in fact I would have put money on it.

So imagine my surprise when at 7.25am I got a reply to say yes, he was doing a course that day but that he would check what time they would break for lunch and let me know.

Now I am in turmoil and questioning why I asked. What do I want from meeting him? Closure? To see if I have been remembering our affair through rose-tinted specs and that when I see him again I will realise what a fool I am for still holding a candle for him? To finally say goodbye? To hope that he regrets not giving us a chance? Maybe a stupid, ridiculous, pathetic mix of all those things.

Ok. Worse case scenario. We meet. I fall apart, am still besotted, he feels nothing, is cold and heartless and I end up back at Square One while he goes home to live happily ever after.

Best case scenario? Oh hell I have been through all sorts of combinations of feelings, my initial thought was best case was that we fall desperately into each others arms, swear undying love forever and go up in a magical puff of smoke and leave the world on a magic cloud (or maybe a volcano ash cloud?) But I think (when reality finally kicked in) that best case would be if we met and found each others company gentle, warm and calm and we were finally able to let go of all the hurt that this intense affair has caused us both.

The liklihood of that? Hmmm probably very low but I guess unless I bottle it and cancel myself, we will find out tomorrow. Think of me x

1 comment: