Monday, 11 May 2009

More Ponderings...

Originally Posted - 5 Jan 2008

So there have been rather a lot of blogs. My first blog seems so very long ago, almost 15 months in fact. I have blogged much of how my life has spent and over the months the subject matter has altered. It has gone from the day to day dealings in my work, home and social life, to dissecting and recording the demise of my marriage. Then of course there were my attempts at erotic writing, initially these were for the benefit of one man who you all know has become a huge part of my life, the delicious DB, but I ended up blogging them, sometimes a while after they had been written for him. Sometimes they were just put there to surprise him but I guess they were written for entertainment value (they entertained me!)

Most of the blogs I have written were simply just to put down my thoughts and ponderings on what is going on in my life, some I have found very cathartic to write, some have just unwound thoughts in my head as I type, some have felt like diary entries, there to record an event or happening.

I do sometimes look back and re-read the earlier ones, just to remind myself where I was at or how I was feeling at certain times, to remind myself how far I have come. My girlie nights out, my family, my work and colleagues, my lover and my exploration into the world of Femdom has all been recorded and diarized and what drove me to sit here at the pc this morning contemplating the content of my latest blog was the unravelling of a conversation I had with my husband last night. Now I don't need to go over old ground to remind you where things are at in my life with regard to my marriage and my affair but to say I am a little head-fucked is a slight understatement.

As any of you who have children (especially teenagers who do not go to bed at the allotted 8pm time slot and who take over the whole house unbidden) finding any privacy to talk with each other is very difficult. So finding ourselves without either of our luscious daughters at dinner time and for the duration of the evening I decided to broach the subject of our relationship once more and see if he had any thoughts on where it may all end up.

I asked him whether he saw us remaining together merely as friends or whether he wanted the relationship to still be physical. He replied physical to which I raised my eyebrows! At this point I have to go back a few days and tell you that hubby and I very nearly got jiggy…… We lay there in bed the other morning and what started out as rubbing my lower back (still knackered bed is doing me no good and was in pain) progressed to intimate touching, I allowed it to carry on rather pleasantly as I don't feel I can continually reject the man who is allowing me to carry on an affair right under his nose and I thought what the hell, if he's up for it…….and that is where the problem lay, he wasn't UP for it or not up enough so we slowed it down, I gave him a hand-job and stopped (although willing I wasn't THAT enthusiastic – just being a bit of an opportunist) We never discussed it further.

So when he said he wanted it to still be physical I was a little confused. I asked what had happened the other morning, expecting him to say that did I actually expect him to be able to perform when he had visions of me and my lover together!….but no, he said it had nothing to do with us (that does ring true because we had problems in this department way before my affair) and that he was intimidated by me sexually and had lost all his confidence. I was puzzled. Intimidated? INTIMIDATED? I really don't get it and he was unable to explain further. I mean, I know that my sex life now involves a paddle and restraints (ooh naughty snigger) but that isn't something that I have ever done with him nor would I want to, I have only ever been an enthusiastic lover who ached to be matched in that enthusiasm and sadly hasn't been for a long time and who eventually decided to stop trying. I am a gentle lover who for all of her adult life has followed the lead of her partner, adventurous partner – adventurous Denny, boring partner – boring (and bored) Denny. I made love when I was approached, which has never been as often as I would have liked and has led to feelings of rejection and self-doubt over the years and so maybe that is the answer, maybe that now I am older, have been on my happy pills, have had counselling, now my confidence has grown and I am strong enough to say "This is what I want….", that when I have wanted sex I have instigated it (although as I said I have now stopped – we have had sex 4 times in the last year) maybe it is that that has made me seem intimidating? But when he is unable or unwilling to explain how do I know? I know that we could possibly work through this problem, if I had the heart and the stomach for it I could maybe help, but I don't and the thought actually makes me feel……..well almost repulsed.

I thought after it had happened that a year ago I would have been devastated, taken it as all my fault, that I was not fanciable any more, that I wasn't desirable, that I was too old, too fat, too…….anything but that it was definitely me. Fortunately (at least for my sanity, self respect and esteem) I have a man in my life who finds me very sexy, very desirable and very fanciable, and for most of the time we're together finds it almost impossible to hide the very-physical effect I have on him, so at least for now my self-worth is intact.

So back to our discussion last night, he reiterated that it was not the thought of my lover that was his problem, he insists that when we first together and I was the paranoid new girlfriend having to deal with his (numerous) exes, that he had said then that 'man' was never meant to be monogamous, that it was societies and the churches way of controlling what was viewed by them as the hedonistic ways of man but that I had pooh-poohed that and insisted we were meant to be faithful (hell I had just bought a house with the man in the hope he was going to father my babies! I wasn't going to encourage him!) I really can't remember this conversation or line of thinking but if it makes my life easier now I shall embrace it. He says he knows that I love my lover and that he feels sorry for his wife as she is going through the motions unknowing, I agreed but surmised that she may not 'know' but that if she actually has anything about her (and I am informed by my Love that she does) that she cannot possibly believe that their marriage is perfect, its just they choose to ignore it for reasons only known to them and that I too feel guilt for her at times, hubby said I wasn't to as it isn't my problem (another surprise!).

I asked him why, if he was so ok with it all and still had this idea that monogamy was un-natural (it also speaks volumes that I now agree with him!) why he didn't speak to any of his closest friends about it, if he could confidently say that it wasn't a problem for him why didn't he tell them what was going on (he has confided to his brother but no-one else). He replied that he would he just wasn't ready to yet and I can understand that. He said he is just taking things one day at a time.

This is all very 'noble' of him but it really has fucked with my head (I'm not so up my own arse that I don't consider that it is fucking with his too!) I am not sure how to react, as I previously wrote, his anger, fury, hatred, and revulsion of me I could understand and although not pleasant I would have to deal with, this understanding, acceptance and tolerance is really hard to comprehend and live with.

Anyway, they are my thoughts for today’s blog.

Will I subject you more? Yer damn right I will, whether you read them or not is up to you! I love writing and recording my thoughts and feelings, it helps sort things in my head sometimes, so you will have more to read….sorry folks x

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