Originally Posted - 15 Nov 2007
This week has seen me start my new job.
As those who have read earlier blogs know, I left my job back in May having worked full-time for a construction company (in the office! Plastered I get, laid I get but a builder I am not!) In a moment of complete selfishness (something I appear to be quite good at) I decided I wasn't going to get another job just yet, it was the summer coming up, I wanted some 'me' time, I wanted time to indulge the obsession with My Love, to be available whenever he asked, to be free to text, speak on the phone and ultimately to meet him whenever it was possible and my husband had a lovely new well paid job that meant we could afford for me to be at home.
I have spent 6 months doing very little. I had intended to spend some of my days decorating the house, namely the kitchen, dining room and lounge. I chose colours for the paint, I even splodged colour up one wall in the kitchen in the hope of inspiration but sadly none was forthcoming. I think because a lot of this summer has been spent trying to decide whether to stay here at home or whether to flee I was totally un-inspired and uninterested in home improvements! Then 6 weeks ago I got a trapped nerve in my shoulder which has caused me much pain and prevented me from starting said decoration project even when inspiration finally hit me!!
Hmmm. Things I have done in the last 6 months??
Well most predominantly I have got to meet DB! Firstly of course for coffee that very first time back in June and on subsequent occasions throughout the following months, not nearly often enough, not nearly for long enough but so much more than either of us had planned or hoped for when we first met each other on here.
I have spent lovely days with my daughter when they were on their summer break, I have spent lovely girly days with my 'bestest' friend, I have been to Rochdale on a few occasions to see my other friend (yep I got more than one!) and I've blogged a lot but other than that I have done fuck all. What a waste of time……
Of course I have also mentioned how at the beginning of August, in fact the very day after I had just had sex with My Love for the first time, my husband lost his well paid job and despite getting another job within 2 weeks that he enjoys a lot more, he is now not earning enough to allow me to stay at home.( I did feel a huge sense of guilt and have pondered on a strange strain of karma? as when I had spent the day last week delivering treats to my slut after his completion of online tasks, having thoroughly fucked and been fucked, after laying snuggled in his arms in post-coital after glow my poor hubby got his car window smashed and his worldly goods stolen out the boot. It has been pointed out that the karma should come to me but it’s horribly guilt inducing)
Ah so now decisions were required….do I get a new job and use my new found funds to leave and become independent, do I get a job and help add some coffers to the now depleted household income?
To be able to support myself I would need to either get a fulltime position or uproot my daughter to come with me so I could claim benefits….not a good place to be and as my previous blog suggested not a choice I have to make so I opted for a new part-time post.
And so this week I have started it. For a well-known bank, whose offices and call centre is situated in a large super duper business park just 3.2 miles from my home. I will work just 3 days a week when I have completed my training but until then I have to work full-time for a period of approximately 6 weeks.
I never dreamt I would find it such a wrench! I miss being around for my girls, I miss my home, just simple pleasures of poddling down the garden clutching a steaming mug of coffee to look at world. I miss watching my kittens play and then curl sleepily onto various pieces of furniture; I miss my friends popping in for a natter. But most of all this last 4 days I have missed my Love.
I don't get quite so insecure these days when things don't work out. Its like in my head I have accepted that we are for real, that we are for a while, that we both can see a future for us. Ok, granted not a future of wedding bells and mortgages but a little future of our own. We both get such a lot of love and pleasure from being a part of each others world that we plan ahead, we know we have things in 'our future' to look forward to; there is no need to feel insecure and afraid any more. But since our wonderful day spent together last week the world seems to have conspired against us, preventing only the minimum of contact and oh boy does it hurt, oh boy does it scare me, if only that I seem to have become so depend on him to bring love and joy and pleasure to me.
I am knackered this week. From 26 lazy, self indulgent weeks to fulltime, intense training my poor wee brain is frazzled. I feel emotional, fragile and in need of a great big hug. I'm not sure whether I will really get to enjoy this job, whether it is really me, whether I will ever feel anything more than obliged to be there but all I can do is give it a go.