Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Imperfect Perfection

Originally Posted - 2 Dec 2007

So…where to begin. Lots of thoughts and stuff to write about. None of it particularly significant or spectacular, but all stuff that is relevant to me and my life.......

I have completed 3 weeks of training at my new job. It has been tiring and brain frazzling. To be perfectly honest I have found it knackering! But I have come to the conclusion that its not because it is too difficult or beyond me, just that it doesn't interest me…… if there is something that interests you, fills you with passion and enthusiasm I believe that as humans we can do pretty well at anything, take away that interest and even the brightest of us simply does not have the will to learn. Sadly that is where I have been the last 3 weeks, veering from the "course I can do this!" to "I'm too old to take in all this stuff" and around to "I can but I really don't want to!"

And so once again I am faced with options. I can leave, that will put us back into a financial pickle and leave me dependant on hubby again, or I can stay, and at least have a go at the damn job.

I will stay of course, to do otherwise would be foolish, immature and irresponsible; it goes without saying that I am all of these on occasion but this needs to not be one of those occasions! And so I will be there again on Monday morning to start the next stage of my training which is live-call-taking, I guess by next weekend I will definitely know whether I should start scouring the jobs pages again!

Which brings me neatly to next weekend….

Next Saturday will see me driving the 2 hours or so to rendezvous with my Love. We are to meet around lunch time and I shall have the joy of his company for a little less than 24 hours. Yep folks that means we get to spend the night together!! Sleep together!! All night!! (Well, maybe not all ;-) I do often wake in the wee hours feeling very excitable)

As you can imagine we are both very excited. We see each other as often as is possible given that we live over 180 miles apart, that we both have families, that he works long hours (though in all honesty without both the location and the nature of his job, our meetings would be nigh on impossible) and that he at least, has restrictions on his freedom.

When we do meet our time is precious, marked in mere hours, both of us trying to resist looking at the time for as long as possible until in the end our responsible bits kick in and we check hoping silently that we have not misjudged the passing minutes and complex explanations are now required to cover our whereabouts, or I suppose his whereabouts as although I don't broadcast my liaisons with him there existence is known, for him it is harder but as I said the nature of his work and the fact that he has a very long journey to and from home allow for reasons for delays to be relayed quite convincingly.

You may remember that at the end of September we went to a gig together, we went out! Out! Out of the confines of our coffee shop or cars or hotel room! It was wonderful, fun, exciting and although it felt amazingly extraordinary to us, it was just the pure ordinariness of it that made it so! We were just another couple out together on a Saturday night, doing what couples do (ok he had had his orgasm denied for 5 days and was wearing the chastity device I had instructed him to wear all week, he had less than an hour previously made love to me bringing me to several mind melting orgasms while all the while being restrained and denied himself, but the surrounding people didn't know that!!) you see just like an ordinary couple!

So this weekend coming has been long awaited, much anticipated and so looked forward to. We will have lots more time than usual allowing us to fit so much more into our precious time.

We will 'play', as his Tormentress I have a couple of new scenarios I want to play out with him, that I want us to experiment and experience with this time as well as revisit games we have played before. My head over the last couple of weeks have been so full of ideas and scenes (this is also not conducive to absorbing new information for new job, when head is whirring with thoughts of toying and fucking your boyslut) but I have now chosen the direction I want our play to take and have the items I need to take with me.

As his lover we will have time to make love, to just be us and to spend time relishing each other in all manner of ways that lovers do. I think I have said before that I have never felt so comfortable with anyone, not just as us, as friends and fellow chatters and gigglers, but as lovers. It could in part be many things that make this so, I am older and not quite so easily intimidated; we have been so graphically honest in sharing desires and fantasies, thinking we would never meet to act them out makes you very brave and open, add to this that he makes me feel beautiful and sensual, desirable and incredibly desired and so our natural sense of fun and compatibility is just the icing on the cake!

It really goes without saying that sexually we are going to have a lot of excitement and fun. So it seems perhaps a little strange to admit that the things both of us are looking forward to with equal excitement are the innocent ones.

We both are thrilled to think we can get ready together and go out, to leave the hotel room, go to a restaurant and eat a meal together. We can drink; get a little tipsy, happy in the knowledge that neither of us has to drive anywhere. We can fall asleep beside one another, no fear of waking to find the clock says we are late leaving one another and we are in trouble unless we come up with some major, life threatening disaster which has delayed us. And we can wake up on Sunday morning and find ourselves still there, in our play-and-fucking filled, extraordinarily ordinary world.

I described our relationship to my cousin (the once much mentioned Peg Leg aka Pussy Galore) as 'Imperfectly Perfect'. We are so wonderfully perfect together, we laugh together till we cry, we chat endlessly about so many random and varied subjects that even that makes us giggle, sexually we are both adventurous, experimental and fun-loving by nature and both have high levels of interest (that's a polite way of saying we're both horny buggers!), we are both so very comfortable in each others company and have been from the very first time we met, each of us makes the other feel wonderful, I know that he has made me feel so good about me, to think that someone out there thinks you are an amazing person and loves you is a gorgeously intoxicating feeling and I know I have made him feel that too, he says I have given him self-worth, he knows that he is loved, deeply and intimately.

This is the 'Perfect' bit……but what of the imperfection?

Our real life outside us is filled with it. We are both married, I could leave but as I have said before I do not want to leave my girls and I am scared of what the future may hold. He has said he will never leave, still loves his wife and needs his children. We both know that when you marry and more importantly have babies that your life becomes part of a package deal. It is no longer just the two of you; you suddenly have extended family, in-laws, mutual friends, neighbours and neighbourhoods in which you belong. Suddenly there is small print in the opt-out clause and its ugly and painful and frightening and unless absolutely necessary should be avoided.

Our imperfection extends to our distance apart. If you look on the map it even looks a long way. It is a long way and would take about 3 ½ hours to complete. Despite the fact that my Love travel for well over an hour in my direction to get to his place of work it still requires over an hours travel from both of us to meet at our half way destination, too far to meet for a mere lunch or coffee and so our meetings have to be engineered, his escape from work, his extended day to allow for the 2 ½ hour journey home. My summer time unemployment has allowed us to meet as and when he can arrange his absence, but now I am working it will have to be arranged around my job too.

And so what we have is 'Imperfect Perfection'…….

Another land mark this week is that my Love has finally told someone about us. My affair with him has been known by my closest friends since its conception; its discovery has meant my husband has known since March, my daughters know about and accept his presence in my life and I have told my mum all about us (obviously not the butt plug and chastity device stuff hee hee!) but my wonderful Love has kept me a total secret, not one friend or colleague has been divulged to. This has been at times incredibly difficult for him, not the secret keeping but the fact that there is no one in the world other than me who knows what we share, can empathise or advise, not one person who he can gripe to when things are difficult and when in the summer we both experienced heartbreak, not a soul on whom he could turn to for comfort.

But this week he has chosen to share my existence in his life with a trusted friend / ex-colleague, the information was told warily but he only received support and understanding, he left his friend feeling shaky but a little relieved. I do not know this lady nor am I ever likely to but if I could send her a message today it would be to say thank you, thank you for listening and not judging and for offering supportive words to my Love and for showing an interest so he no longer feels so alone with the love that we share.

Perhaps this is more like 'Perfect Imperfection'

Just 6 more sleeps my Love x

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