Thursday, 30 April 2009

Choices Choices

Originally Posted - 6 Nov 2007

So here we are. Another Tuesday and where as last weeks Tuesday was all glowy and romantic, filled with poetry and mushy messages, this Tuesday is officially 'horny Tuesday'

As I reported earlier, My Love and I have been playing a game over the last 4 days and last night he opened the 4th of his 'task' messages, today is the final day he has to complete a task for me.

He has found making the choices difficult (notice how I refrain from using the word hard) he is not used to making choices with me. When in the role of his Tormentress I tell him what to do. When we are just us and there are choices to be made, where to meet, what to eat, he goes beautifully into gentleman mode and lets me choose.

It goes without saying that many of us in our professional lives are totally different, the skills we use at work, and the personas we live by to get through our working day/week/month are very different from how we react and deal with situations on a personal level and with our partners and family.

And my darling DB is no different. I know that he goes along with many things at home for an easy life, so as not to rock the boat, to avoid conflict. This doesn't make him unusual; in fact on the contrary I recognise the scene only too well. As an outsider it irritates me at times that I see him doing things and accepting things, letting others (oh come on, stop skirting – just put The Wife!!) decide and choose the course of his day/evening/time, whatever, when he would really love to do something different, do something for himself perhaps.

But I recognise that it is what my husband has done for most of our years together. He let me take over. I decided on home furnishings and decoration. I decided where and when we should take our holidays. I made choices over the tiniest details of our lives. Even greater when I get down to it, I decided we were to marry, he asked me to live with him, I said I wasn't giving up my flat just to 'lodge' with him and that we should get somewhere together. We bought a house. I said I wasn't going to just be a live-in girlfriend. We arranged a wedding. I said I was desperate to have a baby. We got pregnant. All through our lives together it has been me that has pushed and decided and arranged. (I don't sound a very nice person do I?) I never did it to be in control, I never consciously decided that I would wear the trousers in the relationship, it just developed that way.

I grumble about his lack of depth of character, his flatness of personality, his lack of passion….but maybe it is me that has made him like that, maybe I have been such a control, this larger than life character in his world that he has just complied 'for an easy life', because he loves me and if I am happy he is, and he has just allowed me to take 'us' over. Maybe that is why now there is so little of 'him' left? Or was it never there in the first place?

Now this is so far off the point I was originally going to make that I am going to have to pause a moment and reread it….so hold on a sec!

Ok. So the tasks…….

DB and I know each other intimately well in some areas of our lives (and the use of the word intimately doesn't exclusively mean on a sexual level) we have talked for hours at a time, random, mundane details, ideas and opinions and of course, fantasies and desires. On other levels I know very little about him. In a very much earlier blog I rambled about how wonderful he was but how I would never know how he felt or kissed, get to hold his hand, the sound of his voice or his skins scent, we all know that now is not the case and all the things I thought I would never have the joy of experiencing I now have. But because although I have known him a whole year and yet still only actually been with him on 8 occasions there are still so many things I may not ever get to know as I would if we were a 'proper' couple. That's fine. Difficult to think on sometimes but then I guess the answer is don't think.

However it is surprising how much you do learn about a person despite not spending long periods of time with each other, obviously it takes longer but we have now lost a lot of the insecurity we felt about each other, we don't get too many floods of doubts if there is unexpected silence from the other, we have learnt to read between the lines of our text messages and see the tongue in cheek humour or underlying seriousness. I know now that when he is feeling pissy there IS nothing I can do to help so I butt out and let the Wife take the shit, in the end he usually contacts for solace. I know too that when he is bubbling he is totally irrepressible and it is intoxicating, we have got to judge each other moods from so few words as can be squeezed into a text message. Clever aren't we?

One of the things we have always prided ourselves in is our total honesty with each other. We both spoke very early on in our friendship that so much of our every day lives were based around lies.

For me it was lying to myself and the remainder of the world that I really was a happy jolly person, the fa├žade fell apart and I ended up on happy pills for 18 months, I lied to my husband with regard to my whereabouts while I conducted sexual liaisons, temporary fix but increasingly destructive, I lied about what I wanted from my life, from my marriage and from myself. As any of you who regularly read my blogs you will know I have stopped the lies, admittedly I don't always tell if I'm not asked – hell it's not a complete death-wish I have!! – But if faced with a question I do now answer honestly and then deal with the fallout.

It is not my place to expose the areas of his life that he lied about, if any of you read his blogs too you will already know, but needless to say we all find ourselves living a lie with the very people who we are apparently closest to. How many of you reading this actually tell the person you live with, the person who shares your life, the person you love above all others exactly what they really feel and want, especially when it comes to sex. Some of you may be lucky and started out completely honestly and openly and to you I say well done! Fantastic! Never lose it!! But I bet there are more of you out there who know that there are things of both your sex and everyday life that you are not totally truthful about but that once the lie has begun to be lived it is too scary to expose it.

Anyway, we try our damnedest to be truthful and honest with each other. This can sometimes be painful, there are sometimes you really don't want to hear the truth, there are times you want a nice, big, fat, juicy lie to make the world seem that perfect place you crave but although both of us hates the idea of causing the other hurt, we tell the truth…….or do we? Or do we do what I do at home and only tell if asked?

Once again totally off the track….are any of you still reading or have you thought fuck this and gone for a beer?!?

Ok, the Tasks. I gave him choices, I wrote him 6 tasks, we had 4 days before we were going to be meeting and I asked him to choose 1 task each evening to be completed for me the following day. I gave them cryptic titles, like a crossword, so so obvious when you know the answer but rather unclear on first appearance. I had written all the tasks as if they were short individual tasks, as if each one was the complete thing, usually a tease and denial task or a period of chastity will extend over a few days and then be rewarded upon successful and satisfactory completion. All these tasks were easy. Nothing too taxing, or they wouldn't have been if they had been the complete thing. It difficulty of them was also influenced by the order they were selected in. Out of the 6 there were 2 that meant restraint, 2 that were pretty non-sexual unless included in the context of the game and 2 that included the chance for him to cum.

He found the choosing very difficult and I knew that even when he had chosen one, he was already pondering on the meaning of the others, it was made harder because the first was an intense tease and denial task, the second a 24 hour period of chastity and I know he was struggling during the second day. We both were at times, despite knowing that he relishes these games, loves the control I have over him when we play, that it is his choice to play and be played I still at times have rushes of guilt that I am putting this adorable man through this. I try to comfort and reassure but it is hard across a distance, with real life carrying on around us, especially when I don't yet know what he has to face as his task the following day! I found it easier the last 2 days, when I was able to foresee perhaps at least one task that would end his restraint.

We spent many months purely playing like this, me controlling this man from all these miles away, sending instructions, teasing and provoking and there was he complying with my demands, submitting to my whim, my wonderfully obedient slut and all at the press of a 'send' button. We had great fun!! We also had dark moments as we learnt more about his submissive nature and where it could lead him (not always to very happy places) We perhaps considered that it was fairly easy at times, remote Femdom relationship, cyber D/s. I think both of us would agree that now that is in fact much more difficult.

We have now played for real. I have been with him as he has submitted to me. I have given him face to face instructions. I have seen my slut in full slut mode. We are still very much learning this aspect of us, so much more to try and discover but whereas I was worried that I wouldn't be able to carry through the role of his Dominant in reality it is surprisingly easy. I SEE his reaction, his IMMEDIATE reaction and can respond accordingly, I can reassure and encourage, there is touch, comfort and love even when he is submitting to me. So easy to do as you are told when the person who has instructed you is there by your side, so much easier to submit and obey when your failure to do so will be seen immediately. Oh how much harder (sorry for mentioning 'hard' so many times my Love) to obey and resist and restrain and submit when the person is miles away and would not know whether you were truthful or not. And yet he does. Always. And I find that strength and honesty so wonderful. How dreadful to have spent time thinking up elaborate games and tasks only to have your playmate think…pah sod that! She'll never know wink wink!

Of course he now has more choices. I have posted to his eager little inbox a series of 6 treats, rewards for completing the self-imposed (he will dispute that, not self imposed cos I told him to!) tasks. He is to select his treats tonight and, if today's task is completed satisfactorily, not that I doubt it for one moment, he will be able to choose 4 from the 6 I have sent. There are no cryptic titles to addle his brain further, just numbered 1-6. And they will be enjoyed by us both when we meet tomorrow.

And then that's when I get to choose…….the order in which I deliver them! Ooh what fun My Love!!


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