Originally Posted - 19 July 2007
Ok folks....Life Avoidance not going too well at present Lol! It is on a morning I do not have to get up for a thing and I have been awake since 3.30 yer go figure!
Yesterday I had a very productive day....expensive but productive! I purchased! Having got up yesterday morning and found the dinner plates still sitting there from the night before (I had been out in the evening but no-one had thought to do them for me) I commandeered assistance of 'best friend in the world' and swept off to the stores to purchase a .......wait for it......... a dishwasher!!!!
Now my hubby, for all his foibles, has always been a star when it has come to washing up, early on I had two small children to run around after and so it was a shared chore, latterly when we were both working full time it became his (I cook, he washes up) But of course as many of you are aware I left my job back in May and am now a 'lady of leisure' or Domestic Goddess. He seems to have missed the point of this leisure and Goddess bit....cos he expects me to wash up now!!
So I took myself off to buy an appliance! It is being delivered on Monday. Of course this now means I have to finish decorating the kitchen so that is my task for this weekend. While I was there I also impulsively grabbed a new blender, a microwave and a sandwich toaster....well it would have been rude not to.
I then finished off with a new pair of shoes, a sparkly belly bar, 2 dresses for Jasmine and some very expensive skin care......not a bad afternoon Goddessing!
So, back to my original line of thought....
I have been awake since the wee hours and have been pondering, there are a number of things I would rather be doing in the wee hours but pondering was what it was today.
I have been married for 20 years and we have been together for 22. When we met I was still in love with my ex, a gorgeous guy who was 4 years my junior and we had 2 years of fantastic fun and incredible sex. But I was what I now describe as 'ripe' to settle, and he still had a lot of partying to do, so we parted, I broke his heart and when a few weeks later I regretted my decision, he in turn broke mine by not taking me back. I believe that if you truly, I mean deeply and truly love someone, that there is always a little part of your heart that will always love them, there is for me and I am lucky in that we have remained friends and still keep in touch to this day.
Anyway I met husband and, as I have previously blogged, he was different from all previous men, safe, reliable, responsible, older than me and working, good husband material. I do know from a conversation we had fairly early on in our relationship that he too thought it was time to become a property owner, settle, family, the works. And so there we were, both eager to conform to the home-owning, child-rearing, Mr. and Mrs. Average...and that’s what we did.
Now not for one minute am I suggesting that it was not what I wanted, that I didn't love him and need him and want him in my life, that I didn't ache to have a baby and my own little family. I did.
And what was really in my pondering head this morning was that for 18 of those 22 years I was happy and content. I had friends, I had a social life. I got attention from men; I flirted a little but never, ever was I open, in mind or heart, to wanting or needing either the love or physicality of another man. It was only when there was something very absent in our relationship that there became room for the attentions of anyone else. It was only when there was a gap in my heart that there was a space to nurture the love for another.
And that is where my head is at this morning...........