Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Appliances and Ponderings -The Sequel

Originally Posted - 27 July 2007

Well my beautiful dishwasher has been delivered…but as yet is not plumbed in as I have to pin down rather elusive Scottish plumber with a drink problem…hmm yer quite! So at the moment it sits looking a little out of place in my dining room, and I smile and stroke it as I pass by on the way to the kitchen and, but don't let him know I have noticed, I have seen hubby do the same, so although he looked suitably grumpy at the thought of me spending money and mumbled a bit I think he actually likes it...:

And as my back has been giving me some serious grief for the last week or so I have not decorated either, so being that I am a girlie and like all things sorted, matching and properly completed (and no not like Hyacinth Bucket!) none of my other appliances have seen light of day either, cos I want to put them all out when it is all done and beautiful. So there! But by midweek, drunken plumber providing, my little kitchen will be all done. *big smiles*

I have been up to Rochdale to see one of my lovely friends, the one I went on holiday with back in April. It was her birthday and although originally was only going to spend one night there ended up stopping over for two, lovely easy company, a change of scene, fresh air, giggles and chat, just what I needed, and it was with more than a little reluctance I packed my bag and returned know. Just a few more nights me thinks.

And now of course the ponderings (patience – or I may make it a trilogy!)

In my last blog I said that something had become missing in my marriage, in my relationship. I'm not sure I really know quite what it was or is, I suppose somewhere along the line you both take each other for granted, what begins as a couple, a partner, a lover, the two of you making a life, forming a future, somewhere along there you get bogged down with bill paying, salary earning, child rearing and mundane life seems to overtake all the original reasons and feelings that you had in the beginning. You forget to tell each other how important you are to one another, the things that amused now irritate, the time you spent enjoying each other gets taken up with other stuff. Maintaining a relationship isn't easy, it can be hard work, an effort, to make that person still feel the centre of your world, to take the time to make them feel loved and valued, to make the time and space to share things, to put in the work to reap the results.

I have tried, I really have, but when year after year all the effort seems to come from just one side, with only one making the effort, only one instigating the good times, the shared times, the conversation, the social times and the love making it can seem a very lonely place to be, it chips away at your self esteem, at your belief in yourself, in your spirit and in the end when this sadness and dissatisfaction has been pointed out to the other on a number of occasions and that person still does not put in their part of the effort required, it quietly shrivels and dies. I think for my own self preservation part of me shut down and detached itself from the relationship.

So after more than 4 years, after 4 attempts to explain my unhappiness, after 18 months on happy pills, there was a seriously big space there, one that was open and empty, a space that was available to be filled with love and attention once again, to be filled with emotions I had long thought I would never experience again……and as many of you know that space has been filled…oh boy and how! With more words and feelings, sensations and attention, more lust and love than I had ever thought possible….

Yes Stanley, that’s a mighty fine mess I'm in....but shit the highs are worth all the lows..........

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