Originally Posted - 9 April 2007
Well hello folks!
Not blogged for a bit and I’m sorry if any one out there was hoping for one of my more 'entertaining' blogs...but just not quite up to it at the moment. You will have to forgive me for this one cos it’s a bit rambly and getty -off- the-chest one! this week has been fairly settled and off course i am lucky enough to be one the folk who get bank holidays off so have had 4 glorious (jeez hasn't the weather been good!?) days at home. i am not one of the 'world and his wife' people who head to the nearest safari park or coast and therefore spending as much time sitting in traffic jams in the car as they do doing 'fun' things with the family, we have spent the time pottering round home, out together on Friday evening with our lovely friend eating drinking and dancing, entertaining my parents and relaxing at home.
We have had a lovely weekend and then yesterday afternoon we went up to the bedroom (the only vaguely private place we have with 2 teenagers) to sit and chat. It turns out that during lunch with my parents I had told my dad the tale of me having to move one of the new company vans and not being a veteran van driver was unable to find the hand brake (which incidentally was on the right hand side - I ask you!! ) so had nearly ended up it rolling into and over the wall in the car park and had had to leap A Team style back into vehicle and jam on foot brake to prevent disaster! Hubby got the hump. This is not a tale I had recounted to him. Why hadn't I told him this scary and funny story? Why had it been all these weeks before he got to discover my merciless teasing at the hands of Boss cos I hadn't thought to look on the right? (I'm a girl - I don't do vans!!) and so we went to bed for a chat. The incident had happened a few weeks ago when our powers of communication were at their very lowest. Our conversations seemed to revolve around what was for dinner and had any one fed the cats. Of course inevitably things got very deep and very emotional and very uncomfortable and the subject of my online infidelity became the focus of the conversation. Lots of things were asked and queried and spoken of but I still have to be totally honest with this man. What is the point in me, having tipped our world upside down, given it a fucking good shake, stamped on his heart a few times and then poked him in the eye for good measure, only to now lay there telling more lies or half truths. He deserves the truth and I need to tell it, too many years have been spent saying what has wanted to be heard, hiding feelings and fears for fear of hurting the others feelings, not being truthful about needs and desires because you build up this persona with someone early on in a relationship, maybe to win that persons heart or to fit in with how you feel the relationship should be and before you know it you are not being true to yourself.
He laid a few ground rules, I must be honest with him when I want to go online to speak to my Love, and I shouldn't have contact with him at the weekends, it is HIS time, he cannot and won't be made to feel uncomfortable in his own house, I, in turn, said that when I need privacy to talk to my 'friend' that I should be allowed it, it is after all MY house too and this was granted. We hugged and comforted one another and spent an evening curled on the sofa watching TV.
This morning has been difficult, hubby was up early and was washing up and making coffee when I finally emerged at 8.15! Yes I know still very early for a day off!! There were lots more questions and thoughts he had been mulling over and we spoke of those while like a disjointed team we washed and dried the pots from yesterday.
There have been tears this morning (mine as usual) but one of the final things he said to me was that he is scared for me, scared that if in 6 months he decides he can't deal with me still being in touch with my special friend and I leave (eeer excuse me I think he would be leaving! but I didnt mention that!) and then friends wife found out about us and he dropped me to save his own marriage (which I know he would - I have never been under any illusion of anything else) that I would have left everything for nothing.
That upset me....
I cried, I thought about what he had said, about how I would feel but then I said to him that if in 6 months he said "It is either him or me, you have to make a choice because I can't cope with this" I think by then it will be perfectly apparent that our marriage is or is not worth saving and that if we were to part then it would because it wasn't, not because I had chosen my friend over him......
If by then I consider my home life and marriage worth saving and having a future then I would obviously have to reconsider my friendship with my lover...
He seemed to accept that...
So once again we start off a little fragile today.......
See told you.. no entertainment value for you what so ever, but just sorted my head out a little bit...
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