Friday, 13 March 2009

Breaking Hearts

Originally Posted - 21 March 2007

I need to empty my head...but I really do not know where to start! I shall try at the very beginning....a very good place to start (shit can't I write anything without trying to inject humour into it? is that how I get through life!?!)

As many of you know who read my blogs I have become very involved with one of my fellow myspacers. It had started out a few curious messages, a bit of banter, some smutty comments, getting flirtatious but among all this we began to 'chat', open up to each other, share thoughts, fears, disappointments, achievements and experiences. There were many days that our messages were purely as friends, chatting and getting to know each other, there were some that were highly sexually charged and mind-melting in there intensity, he became more than just a stranger at the end of the keyboard, we became friends, online lovers, and fellow sexual game player and around Christmas we both admitted that we had feelings for each other, both of us very skeptical that you could have 'real' feelings for someone that you had never met, both of us very wary of the feelings that we had for each other as both of us are married, have a families and he at least had no plans to leave the place he called home. So how had this happened? How had to people managed to connect over a very long distance just through words? Of course by now we were both embroiled in each others lives took every opportunity available to us to make contact, whether by myspace, online or by text or phone.

I do not class myself as a fool, or particularly gullible. I do not dive straight into things without a lot of analytical thought and dissecting of feelings (as any of the friends I have will confirm!) but here I was falling for this man who had awakened something in me that had been denied, ignored, undiscovered, lost (I don’t know which of these things) and I felt wonderful. This week my fragile world has not quite fallen apart, but certainly been under severe attack. I have been found out. My betrayal has been discovered.

My husband has shown me more compassion than I feel I deserve. Understandably there have been questions that have been very difficult, difficult to answer and I know for him difficult to ask. I have tried to answer as honestly as I can.

As any of you who have read my blogs also know, I have not been happy for a long time, a lot longer than I have been on here, I have been unsettled for probably about 5 years, a long time, the first time I remember openly discussing how unhappy I was feeling with him was 3 and a half years ago, again at a later date, 14 months ago when I had been put on Prozac by the doctor and felt brave or strong enough to talk about how I was feeling again. So none of this discontent, this festering hurt, this awful low that engulfs me every now and then is new, none of it has been caused by my involvement with this man I have found, he is just a symptom not a cause but now I have broken my husbands heart.

He is hurt, confused, scared and today very very angry. He is directing this anger towards my 'friend' because it is safer than feeling anger towards me. This 'piece of shit' has duped his wife into falling for him, he thinks I am a victim of the 'cyber predator', he thinks he is a piece of filth that only loves me in a sexual way, that he has done this before with other women, he wants to beat the shit out of him.

I am so so sorry for all this hurt and hatred caused by me......

I am sick, tired, exhausted, hurt, numb, shaky and terrified. It is all my own doing and I deserve it all. I don’t think typing this has helped at all but I felt I needed to do it.

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