Saturday, 14 March 2009

Don't Know What to Call This One

Originally Posted - 23 March 2007

I have spent the week at home, Boss sent me home Monday morning when I went into work and it was obvious my brain would really be less than useful, Tuesday I had a pre-booked holiday day to take daughter to dentist to have teeth out so her brace could work faster/more effectively (?) Wednesday I was just a waste of space after very emotional evening with hubby, but Wednesday night I went out for my usual drink with Pussy Galore (although it was a relatively early night as I hadn't got the stamina for the socialising or the stomach for the beer). I slept fairly well and yesterday had quite a relaxed day at home and felt a little more balanced.
Last night hubby came home from work and I had stripped all the bed and washed the bedding so I asked him to come upstairs and help me put it all back on, it was so fresh smelling and crisp and inviting looking I stripped down to my undies and climbed in so he did the same and we lay and chatted.
Wednesday night had sort of lulled me into a false sense of security and as soon as we started to talk it was obvious there were still so many more questions going on in his head about my 'online affair' and still a lot more emotions to be aired.
He understands that had I been happy and our relationship totally solid before all this, the likelihood of me being seduced by the words of an online lover would probably been minimal, the fact that he has withdrawn from me, not been open about his feelings and his thoughts, has almost completely lost his sense of fun, doesn't interact with me and our beautiful lively amazing daughters and will happily lose himself in front of the television for hours upon end has meant we have become detached when once we were so together. I know that he loves me, that has never been in question, I know that he is a simple soul who just wants a happy and easy life and will do almost anything to avoid conflict, I know that he has trouble saying how he feels as well as showing it, but I know that he loves me. It just seems that over the last years his inability to show me in the ways I have needed have chipped away at me and made me feel a little worthless….low self-esteem my counsellor calls it
And so over a period of time I have sought boosts to my self esteem through other means, through other people and now significantly through my love online. He has made me feel amazing about myself, said things to me I have never had said to me before, shared thoughts and hopes with me, sent me poems and stories and songs to make me smile, bring back memories or merely amuse me, all things that in all my years I have never had done for me, and this is something I do not want to give up.
It is intensely unfair of me to expect my dear hubby to let me keep in touch with this man, it is clearly another demented wish of mine that wants me still to be allowed keep him in my life, but that is what I want, to deny that would be lying to my hubby and importantly to myself. I could have denied all of this, I could have bluffed my way out of this mess and made it all seem nothing but a joke and a tease and a game on my part with this 'foolish cyber predator' that has been messaging me.
But in doing that I would have lied again to my hubby, myself and diminished everything that I have been allowed to feel and experience over the last 5 months with my wonderful online friend.
I cannot do that. And so I have to live with the fact that I have hurt us all very much and that I am asking almost the impossible of the man who has shared my life for 22 years. I feel very selfish, very hard, and very unreasonable. But I have to be true to myself......
Sorry it’s all a bit analytical and emotional I know you men don't do that very well!! If my profile page was full of female friends I guess I would have loads of comments at the bottom of this, offering support and sympathy and sisterhood, but I guess all you guys will read it and thinks oops shit, emotional outburst of an adulterous woman, wanting validation for what she knew was wrong...
But while I sit here licking my self inflicted wounds...feel free to write what you think (even if it is horrible)

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