I have been pondering today, not always a good thing to do and now I am not working I seem to have a lot more time to ponder.
It wasn’t a particularly low day, I took daughter for her theory driving test this morning first thing (she failed) and while waiting for her met one of my friends for coffee, on the way home we called at one of the building sites being developed by my old company and had a hug and quick natter with my fave builder! We also dropped in to see my mum and dad and had a jolly and smiley time there.
So why the sudden little dark cloud buzzing over my head this afternoon??
I sat relaxing, reading my book and pondering. I love words, I love descriptive words, words that are stringed together to create a picture and I started to think about words I would use to describe me if pushed to do so. I noted they were all pretty negative so I have constructed an A-Z of negative words that I feel is me.
Don't worry......I’m sure in a day or two I will feel perkier and will bore you with the sequel of positive ones!!!!
Analytical,
Bossy,
Clingy,
Demanding,
Erratic,
Fat,
Greedy,
High maintenance,
Ignorant,
Jealous,
Knackered,
Lazy,
Mardy,
Nasty,
Obsessive,
Paranoid,
Questioning,
Reject,
Self-centred,
Tearful,
Unhappy,
Vicious,
Weak,
Xhausted,
Yester-year,
Zzzzzzz!
So there you have it! My view of me on a bad day.......lets hope tomorrow is a brighter.
(I have to add a little at this point to say that when db read this entry he provided me with his own A-Z list. It began Amazingly Analytical. Beautifully Bossy. Caringly Clingy. Deliciously Demanding…….you get the picture. It didn’t solve the world but it made me smile and glow and that is what we were about…..making each other feel glowy and loved)
My world has changed yet again!! And all is well! Infact better than well, my world is a pretty bloody fantastic place to be at this very precise moment in time!
My Love and I have spoken at length and calmed all the turmoil that we were feeling, I can't say resolved because to do that would require one of those little memory erasing zap things that Will Smith has in Men in Black and as far as I know they are not yet on the market in the UK
So...now the reason for this huge mood swing from 'distressed' to 'ecstatic'...we have finally been able to arrange a day, place and time for us to meet....I know!...amazing isn't it!!... after all these months!
Of course I think I have mentioned that if it hadn't been for the fact that he injured his leg back in January (plaster for many weeks and many more weeks of physio) has only fairly recently been able to drive again, is still not yet back at work and we live a fair damn distance from each other, that we would have met a lot sooner....but now we are, really are!
I re-read some of my old blogs the other day and I had written one a long while ago about meeting my perfect man, a man whose laundry I didn’t have to wash, a man who didn’t belch or fart, didn’t ever leave the toothpaste lid off and only ever told me how amazing I was, made love to me, pleased me and made me smile...but how I would never hold his hand, see his smile or the twinkle in his eye, how I would never know what it felt like to kiss him or hold him, how I would never know his voice or his laughter... well of course many of you know that we speak regularly on the phone and that we use our webcams now, so I do know the sound of his voice and laughter, I do see his smile and twinkling eyes.....
But of course now, I am going to discover the other bits, the kiss, the hug, the feel of his skin (and any other bits which I am not usually so reticent about describing but as this is referring to my real person I feel the need to omit) and the whole thing is intoxicating! I am so excited about meeting this man who has been such an incredible presence in my life from almost the very first day we made contact - Monday October 30th 2006 (hey have just worked out it will be exactly 31 weeks on the day we meet LMAO! how juvenile am I!!! no don't answer that!)
Anyway I better get my ass in gear and carry on glossing the woodwork in the kitchen….back to reality.
Well I am here at home having been told to leave work early...last Monday to be precise. so I have had this week at home, as it was a bonus week I have just chilled, done very little, chatted on here and on msn, shopped a bit, lunched, turned another year older...you know all the usual stuff that happens in a week!
I have had plenty of opportunity to sit here at my own pc, no kids, no hubby, no work colleagues to hide from, and write another of my deliciously naughty tales (long overdue that it is!) but have I? NO! And why? Because my mind just either draws a complete blank or goes into the place that is unbloggable.....that is my first meeting with DB!
Now this is a very difficult place to be because although it is human nature not only to imagine how it will all be, how it will feel, what will take place, how you hope things will turn out but it is a sort of 'need' to at least have in your head an idea of what you are willing to allow to happen. Now it doesn't take a genius to see what sort of relationship has developed between the two of us and not for one minute am I suggesting that the first time we meet it will be me in my Miss Whiplash outfit and him in a gimp suit.....we will be meeting as friends.....two people who have shared many thoughts, ideas, problems, heartaches, hopes and dreams.....it will be as lovers, who have shared fantasies, desires and the most sexually charged exchanges I have ever had.....the initial meeting will be scary and taking things to a completely unchartered territory, and once done there will be no going back.
So as you can imagine it is extremely difficult to write anything vaguely smutty without the instant image of the two of us bouncing into my head or if I do write, will it appear that that is what I am planning/ hoping/ wanting to occur? So it is best left me thinks...
On a lighter note, when I start my new role of Domestic Goddess next week, I have decided I am going to decorate....haven't decided whether to start with the kitchen or the marital bedroom (both are meant to feature high on the Domestic Goddess list of important things) so suggestions will be gratefully received!
Another impending event on my calendar is that my long suffering hubby has a business trip to china on the cards and has been told to get a visa that allows him access to the country about 3 or 4 times a year. He is excited and nervous about his first major business visit abroad and I have to look pleased and concerned for him and his welfare as well. But in truth I shall be glad of the few days at home alone...maybe a taster for the future?
Now before I manage to convince you all that I am nothing more than a hard faced, bitter and selfish bitch, I shall sign off and go do homely things like laundry and cooking
Right this is my second attempt at this blog!! As I bulletined I spent half an hour writing heartfelt words into that stupid blog box only for it to disappear into the ether when I went to post it!! Now I know that any of you who write blogs have probably had this happen to you in the past but hey!...doesn't it piss you off! Hadn't the time the energy or the inclination to write it all again!
But hey it is gone 4 in the afternoon and I am here at the desk that I shall soon be vacating so I am skiving again and writing my blog!
I have returned from my holiday! I have had a wonderful week away with one of my oldest (as in been my friend a very long time) friends and her friends from where she now lives, none of whom I had ever met before so it was with a little apprehension that the holiday approached, but I have had a ball! I have laughed and giggled, chatted and walked, sunbathed, eaten, drank and swam. I am now golden brown and relaxed (and knackered – can't do so many late nights these days tho am proud to say that we out lasted the youngsters a couple of nights!!)
I think maybe I was hoping that during my week of escape and indulgence that I would be struck by some amazing revelation as to how my life should proceed on my return, you know like some divine moment when all would become clear, some life changing thought would make up my mind whether I should stay or whether I should spread my wings and go…….
But no…..nothing of the kind, instead I enjoyed the company of these lovely people who had welcomed me into their 'gang' and had a wonderful time. As the end of the week approached there were a few tummy turning moments, when the realization that I had to return to normality struck home but by the end of the week I was, frankly, too exhausted to give it an awful lot of thought! It’s tiring doing nothing but having fun!
The person I missed the most was my most special friend DB, it was quite bizarre that as we have never ever been closer than 123 miles that 2000 miles should feel any different but it did…it did big time and I craved contact with him. I have been asked by hubby not to have contact with him at weekends as this is his time and by and large this has been adhered to, but we both agree that the simple fact that we 'can't' contact each other just focuses our love, lust and need for each other and this holiday felt very much the same.
So I am glad to be back, I am working my final two weeks at work and as yet have no new job to go to, I have once again been honest with hubby and said I am not sure where we will be in 6 months time and the time I get to meet DB for real is drawing closer by the day……
So all in all I am fairly happy, I am cutting back on the happy pills and I feel strong and in control still…
I have also started my piggy bank ready for next years escape
Well my usual Sunday blog was going to be all about the excitement in my life but because daughter went AWOL briefly I sort of got distracted
Excitement one....I have met two of my Myspace friends! Making a total of 3 now! One isn't actually my friend and has had to be deleted for personal reasons (his not mine!). We met for coffee and spent a sunny afternoon gossiping and giggling about our lives. Strange, creepy bloke, tried to hit on me when I had made it clear there was no way! While I was with him drinking coffee all I wanted to scream was I want this to be db!!!
Number two is still a Myspace friend, always good for a giggle on here, sends nice comments and messages and has great sense of humour. It was strange meeting for real as people are never quite how you have imagined them, even when you have seen pictures. He has joined me and friends for a beer a couple of times now and is brilliant company...thank you x
All of this does rather highlight though my biggest wish that is excitement number three!
My most special Myspace friend and I are now in the process of planning to meet. He has been incapacitated since mid January or I am sure this would have occurred a lot earlier but maybe it has not been a bad thing. Although initially we have agreed that will meet to chat and get to know each other it is very clear that we both have alternative ideas for possible future liaisons and it has given us both time to consider whether this is really what we want, how we really want things to proceed between us. We have sorted a location and a vague date depending on how his physio goes, we are impatient, excited and scared but it is something we both want very badly.
Excitement four is I have given my notice in at work....a week ago today a big row with McNasty! Lots of shouting and although I managed to hold my own I was shaken and it was the straw that broke the camels back. I was bullied into doing fulltime from my 3 days a week 2 and a half years ago and although I have loved it any of you who read previous blogs will know that I asked Boss to consider letting me go back to 3 days should the opportunity arise when we were taking on more staff in the summer, I have also catalogued how when I am absent (whether ill, holiday or mere day off) they alter things, the templates on my pc, my screensaver from family pic to Microsoft blue, the position of the office desks and on my last absence I came back to find a new member of the office staff! I am still full time and so I sat after the row and pushed the work I was supposed to be doing and I typed out a letter of resignation. It has been accepted, and yet no one has mentioned advertising for a replacement, my private health care has just this week been renewed and the Boss laughed on Friday and said "you won’t go. I know you!" Hmmmm...
Excitement number five is that this Saturday my girlie holiday looms! I still have very few clothes that fit me, tho I have discovered that 2 bikinis still cover me adequately and despite being a little nervous as I only know one of the 6 girls I am going with I am sure I will have a brilliant time. Time away from home, away from hubby and the girls, time away from work...bliss
Excitement six...I have been given the ok by my Doctor to lower my dose of happy pills and wean myself off them....I have been on them now 18 months and at last feel strong enough to not use them as a crutch any longer...
And so I shall bottle all these excited feelings and I shall store them away somewhere safe so next time I feel a little in need of some excitement in my life I can just whip it out and take a swig!!.....................toodles! x
The lines put in italics are actually lines I have edited. At the time the people I wrote about were going to read these words and I didnt want to offend. But everything else I write is as relevant today as when written.
It was 1.10am as the car pulled slowly up the road, the woman examining each house with care, she had to be sure it was the right one. She slowed in front of several houses with low front walls; it was one of these, but which one? She selected the large detached with the low bush behind its wall; it looked the most familiar of the three having only briefly passed by before and in daylight. The house was in darkness, no sign of life, but she left the car and walked to the door, afraid she paused, knowing this was something she had to do but feeling nervous. Her trembling hand reached for the knocker and firmly rapped on the door. Stepping back slightly she surveyed the upstairs windows for a light or sign of movement, nothing. She glanced back towards the car, should she knock again? She had to. Four more firm raps and suddenly a deep voice from behind the door asked "Who is it?" Heart thumping, she swallowed, too late to wish she had waited a little longer and replied……."hello are you Sarah's parents?"
Ha! You all though this was a tale of fiction, a little glimpse into my sometimes sex-obsessed mind! Nah! Sorry folks!! this was me at 1.15 this morning trying to find my 17 year old daughter who's phone is blocked at the moment because she has not paid the bill (I cannot tell her off as mine is in much the same state at the moment!) and who went out at 5.30 to meet her friend Sarah to go out to the Noodle Bar to eat! Who promised her father she would contact him later so he could pick her up. Now it was 1.15 in the morning, so far the latest she had ever been out unless we knew she was stopping over somewhere. She was un-contactable. And quite frankly I was worried.
Yes I had picked the right house, yes it was Sarah's father that peeked round the door in his dressing gown and informed me that they weren't expecting Sarah home till around 2 as she had gone to Odyssey (a club in town where every 17 ends up at some point these days) and that after a quick phone call to Sarah told me that they were indeed in a taxi on their way home and would be there in about 10 minutes.
Now we have never ever stopped our daughter from doing or going anywhere. We have ferried her taxi style from home to parties, friends, pubs, boyfriends’ houses, 'nappy' nights at a club in town and any where else her little heart has desired. We have picked her up late, drunk, watched her snog a boy before climbing into car, we have taken various random friends home too and generally given her the freedom she has asked for. She is a good girl, overall and generally causes us very little concern at all except for her complete refusal to grow up and show any maturity what so ever, any responsible thought other than what she wants to do!
She makes plans, decides with friends what they are doing and then gives us a vague clue as to her whereabouts, telling us when she gets in trouble that despite the fact that we have never stopped her going anywhere, she was afraid to ask or tell us where she was going. I have always held the view that I would let her go even if it didn't have my total approval, as I would rather know where she was than her go behind my back, which I know teenagers do, I was one! I did the lies, the excuses, and the deceit. If she is allowed at least I know where she is. But no!
So her father has grounded her until she goes on holiday. This is the end of June. A long time. She is up and about now, showered and not talking to us, like it is somehow our fault and we are to blame, I know she understands that she was in the wrong, she didn't argue back when she was grounded for a start, a clear indication that she knows she was wrong.
Today I don't feel anger at her, only sadness and disappointment.
I will blog again later because I have lots more to tell you all too
Not blogged for a bit and I’m sorry if any one out there was hoping for one of my more 'entertaining' blogs...but just not quite up to it at the moment. You will have to forgive me for this one cos it’s a bit rambly and getty -off- the-chest one! this week has been fairly settled and off course i am lucky enough to be one the folk who get bank holidays off so have had 4 glorious (jeez hasn't the weather been good!?) days at home. i am not one of the 'world and his wife' people who head to the nearest safari park or coast and therefore spending as much time sitting in traffic jams in the car as they do doing 'fun' things with the family, we have spent the time pottering round home, out together on Friday evening with our lovely friend eating drinking and dancing, entertaining my parents and relaxing at home.
We have had a lovely weekend and then yesterday afternoon we went up to the bedroom (the only vaguely private place we have with 2 teenagers) to sit and chat. It turns out that during lunch with my parents I had told my dad the tale of me having to move one of the new company vans and not being a veteran van driver was unable to find the hand brake (which incidentally was on the right hand side - I ask you!! ) so had nearly ended up it rolling into and over the wall in the car park and had had to leap A Team style back into vehicle and jam on foot brake to prevent disaster! Hubby got the hump. This is not a tale I had recounted to him. Why hadn't I told him this scary and funny story? Why had it been all these weeks before he got to discover my merciless teasing at the hands of Boss cos I hadn't thought to look on the right? (I'm a girl - I don't do vans!!) and so we went to bed for a chat. The incident had happened a few weeks ago when our powers of communication were at their very lowest. Our conversations seemed to revolve around what was for dinner and had any one fed the cats. Of course inevitably things got very deep and very emotional and very uncomfortable and the subject of my online infidelity became the focus of the conversation. Lots of things were asked and queried and spoken of but I still have to be totally honest with this man. What is the point in me, having tipped our world upside down, given it a fucking good shake, stamped on his heart a few times and then poked him in the eye for good measure, only to now lay there telling more lies or half truths. He deserves the truth and I need to tell it, too many years have been spent saying what has wanted to be heard, hiding feelings and fears for fear of hurting the others feelings, not being truthful about needs and desires because you build up this persona with someone early on in a relationship, maybe to win that persons heart or to fit in with how you feel the relationship should be and before you know it you are not being true to yourself.
He laid a few ground rules, I must be honest with him when I want to go online to speak to my Love, and I shouldn't have contact with him at the weekends, it is HIS time, he cannot and won't be made to feel uncomfortable in his own house, I, in turn, said that when I need privacy to talk to my 'friend' that I should be allowed it, it is after all MY house too and this was granted. We hugged and comforted one another and spent an evening curled on the sofa watching TV.
This morning has been difficult, hubby was up early and was washing up and making coffee when I finally emerged at 8.15! Yes I know still very early for a day off!! There were lots more questions and thoughts he had been mulling over and we spoke of those while like a disjointed team we washed and dried the pots from yesterday.
There have been tears this morning (mine as usual) but one of the final things he said to me was that he is scared for me, scared that if in 6 months he decides he can't deal with me still being in touch with my special friend and I leave (eeer excuse me I think he would be leaving! but I didnt mention that!) and then friends wife found out about us and he dropped me to save his own marriage (which I know he would - I have never been under any illusion of anything else) that I would have left everything for nothing.
That upset me....
I cried, I thought about what he had said, about how I would feel but then I said to him that if in 6 months he said "It is either him or me, you have to make a choice because I can't cope with this" I think by then it will be perfectly apparent that our marriage is or is not worth saving and that if we were to part then it would because it wasn't, not because I had chosen my friend over him......
If by then I consider my home life and marriage worth saving and having a future then I would obviously have to reconsider my friendship with my lover...
He seemed to accept that...
So once again we start off a little fragile today.......
See told you.. no entertainment value for you what so ever, but just sorted my head out a little bit...I'll try and conjure up some smut for next time!)
I have had a really good week!! I have been really very upbeat!! There are very few weeks that go by that I can say I don’t get the awful dip of a low at some point but for the last week I have felt great!
Last weekend I had a friend’s baby to stay. The first time the Baby had been away from mummy and daddy for more than one night. I was asked to have him in the instance that family wasn’t available to have him and I must admit I was quite apprehensive. Not only is it 14 years since I had a baby but this was a boy baby! A boy baby with dangly bits!! I don't do boys! I don't do dangly bits! I had girlies….it is all foreign ground to me!
Oh I had a ball! I played 'mummy' - apart from the fact that he is very very cute (fluffy blonde hair and big blue eyes) he sleeps through the night for approximately 10 hours (something neither of my kids did till around the age of 13!) and he wakes with the most dazzling smile on his face, he is an absolute dream...such a happy content smiley baby….we all fell totally in love with him!
We bathed him and took him out in his pushchair, I took him for latte at Starbucks with Pussy Galore and Holly Golightly on Saturday afternoon (Holly G had never ever held a baby before but twice asked for a cuddle with him!)... I compared sleep patterns and teething with the mother of another 8 month old at the next table (she thought he was mine and as he was cuter than her bald girl I didn't correct her - was also flattered that I still could be mistaken as young enough to have a very young baby and she didn’t assume I had my grandchild with me lol!) I made him bottles and fed him tiny jars of bland looking food, I taught him how to smack his chops after his dinner oh I fell in love!!
But I know that part of the wonderfulness of it was that he is not my responsibility...he was going back on sunday night......my beautiful lounge only look like a bombed ToysRus store for 48 hours....my usual small shoulder bag with money keys lip-gloss and phone was only replaced by a ruck sack full of paraphernalia for every eventuality for a short time. Oh but I did enjoy it! And that among a few other events, this week has left me with a glorious glow in my head and my heart, a lovely feeling of well being that nothing and no-one can spoil this week....
Weekends are usually not looked forward to.....time at home avoided at times....but I am actually looking forward to my 4 Easter days off...
It could all be down to my little house guest last weekend that kept me busy and focused...or it could be that I with all that has happened at home the last few weeks, I don't feel that I am living a lie any more....I am being honest and open (even if it is hard or hurtful at times) either one of these things it could be. But just for once I am not going to analyse it….I am merely going to enjoy it...
I have spent the week at home, Boss sent me home Monday morning when I went into work and it was obvious my brain would really be less than useful, Tuesday I had a pre-booked holiday day to take daughter to dentist to have teeth out so her brace could work faster/more effectively (?) Wednesday I was just a waste of space after very emotional evening with hubby, but Wednesday night I went out for my usual drink with Pussy Galore (although it was a relatively early night as I hadn't got the stamina for the socialising or the stomach for the beer). I slept fairly well and yesterday had quite a relaxed day at home and felt a little more balanced. Last night hubby came home from work and I had stripped all the bed and washed the bedding so I asked him to come upstairs and help me put it all back on, it was so fresh smelling and crisp and inviting looking I stripped down to my undies and climbed in so he did the same and we lay and chatted. Wednesday night had sort of lulled me into a false sense of security and as soon as we started to talk it was obvious there were still so many more questions going on in his head about my 'online affair' and still a lot more emotions to be aired. He understands that had I been happy and our relationship totally solid before all this, the likelihood of me being seduced by the words of an online lover would probably been minimal, the fact that he has withdrawn from me, not been open about his feelings and his thoughts, has almost completely lost his sense of fun, doesn't interact with me and our beautiful lively amazing daughters and will happily lose himself in front of the television for hours upon end has meant we have become detached when once we were so together. I know that he loves me, that has never been in question, I know that he is a simple soul who just wants a happy and easy life and will do almost anything to avoid conflict, I know that he has trouble saying how he feels as well as showing it, but I know that he loves me. It just seems that over the last years his inability to show me in the ways I have needed have chipped away at me and made me feel a little worthless….low self-esteem my counsellor calls it And so over a period of time I have sought boosts to my self esteem through other means, through other people and now significantly through my love online. He has made me feel amazing about myself, said things to me I have never had said to me before, shared thoughts and hopes with me, sent me poems and stories and songs to make me smile, bring back memories or merely amuse me, all things that in all my years I have never had done for me, and this is something I do not want to give up. It is intensely unfair of me to expect my dear hubby to let me keep in touch with this man, it is clearly another demented wish of mine that wants me still to be allowed keep him in my life, but that is what I want, to deny that would be lying to my hubby and importantly to myself. I could have denied all of this, I could have bluffed my way out of this mess and made it all seem nothing but a joke and a tease and a game on my part with this 'foolish cyber predator' that has been messaging me. But in doing that I would have lied again to my hubby, myself and diminished everything that I have been allowed to feel and experience over the last 5 months with my wonderful online friend. I cannot do that. And so I have to live with the fact that I have hurt us all very much and that I am asking almost the impossible of the man who has shared my life for 22 years. I feel very selfish, very hard, and very unreasonable. But I have to be true to myself...... Sorry it’s all a bit analytical and emotional I know you men don't do that very well!! If my profile page was full of female friends I guess I would have loads of comments at the bottom of this, offering support and sympathy and sisterhood, but I guess all you guys will read it and thinks oops shit, emotional outburst of an adulterous woman, wanting validation for what she knew was wrong... But while I sit here licking my self inflicted wounds...feel free to write what you think (even if it is horrible)
I need to empty my head...but I really do not know where to start! I shall try at the very beginning....a very good place to start (shit can't I write anything without trying to inject humour into it? is that how I get through life!?!)
As many of you know who read my blogs I have become very involved with one of my fellow myspacers. It had started out a few curious messages, a bit of banter, some smutty comments, getting flirtatious but among all this we began to 'chat', open up to each other, share thoughts, fears, disappointments, achievements and experiences. There were many days that our messages were purely as friends, chatting and getting to know each other, there were some that were highly sexually charged and mind-melting in there intensity, he became more than just a stranger at the end of the keyboard, we became friends, online lovers, and fellow sexual game player and around Christmas we both admitted that we had feelings for each other, both of us very skeptical that you could have 'real' feelings for someone that you had never met, both of us very wary of the feelings that we had for each other as both of us are married, have a families and he at least had no plans to leave the place he called home. So how had this happened? How had to people managed to connect over a very long distance just through words? Of course by now we were both embroiled in each others lives took every opportunity available to us to make contact, whether by myspace, online or by text or phone.
I do not class myself as a fool, or particularly gullible. I do not dive straight into things without a lot of analytical thought and dissecting of feelings (as any of the friends I have will confirm!) but here I was falling for this man who had awakened something in me that had been denied, ignored, undiscovered, lost (I don’t know which of these things) and I felt wonderful. This week my fragile world has not quite fallen apart, but certainly been under severe attack. I have been found out. My betrayal has been discovered.
My husband has shown me more compassion than I feel I deserve. Understandably there have been questions that have been very difficult, difficult to answer and I know for him difficult to ask. I have tried to answer as honestly as I can.
As any of you who have read my blogs also know, I have not been happy for a long time, a lot longer than I have been on here, I have been unsettled for probably about 5 years, a long time, the first time I remember openly discussing how unhappy I was feeling with him was 3 and a half years ago, again at a later date, 14 months ago when I had been put on Prozac by the doctor and felt brave or strong enough to talk about how I was feeling again. So none of this discontent, this festering hurt, this awful low that engulfs me every now and then is new, none of it has been caused by my involvement with this man I have found, he is just a symptom not a cause but now I have broken my husbands heart.
He is hurt, confused, scared and today very very angry. He is directing this anger towards my 'friend' because it is safer than feeling anger towards me. This 'piece of shit' has duped his wife into falling for him, he thinks I am a victim of the 'cyber predator', he thinks he is a piece of filth that only loves me in a sexual way, that he has done this before with other women, he wants to beat the shit out of him.
I am so so sorry for all this hurt and hatred caused by me......
I am sick, tired, exhausted, hurt, numb, shaky and terrified. It is all my own doing and I deserve it all. I don’t think typing this has helped at all but I felt I needed to do it.
I was brought up to always wash my face...in the morning and before I go to bed. At the tender age of 18 I got my first job with a large prestige cosmetic company where the importance of cleansing the skin was drummed into us with the fervor of a religious sect. For over 20 years I have cleansed morning and night with a variety of expensive products, fluffy emollient tissue off cleansing creams, light fluid makeup dissolving lotions, creamy foaming wash-off cleansers and the when I left the cosmetic world and had used up my stash of expensive premium priced products I found favour with the wondrous cleansing wipe!
So how surprised am I to discover that all these years I have wasted my money!?!
That all I needed to do was to cry every hour on the hour for a period of approximately 10 - 15 minutes, blotting face with tissue and blowing nose with enthusiasm and that all my makeup (so carefully and expertly applied in the morning) would just glide of with little or no effort at all! It evens removes waterproof mascara by the end of the day!! Amazing!
So there you have it folks - no need for overpriced cleansers - just "Cry-Yourself-Clean"!
Now for many many years I worked with women, predominantly a female work force, all girls together. The men who worked in our industry (at least those at the thin edge of the wedge) were often gay, not always but often. We all got on, that is not to say that there weren't fall outs occasionally, that you didn't come across people that you didn't particularly gel with, and I was lucky, I did have an exceptionally amazing team that worked for me, we all got on, we were all friends but they all understood I had a job to do and respected me. I spent 13 years doing this and apart from unsociable hours and 7 day working rota's all was well.
I now work in a very male environment! I work for a construction company. I work under the Director, the Contracts Manager and the Site Manager. I deal with 26 of our own male work force and also numerous sub-contractors. Female contact is to a minimum, its only office staff that tends to maybe female.
But jeez...are they easier to work with? God no! They bitch, they witter, they whine and moan, they are petulant when they don't get their own way, they get the ump...yer I hear you say just like you bloody women!! Except its not!
My name is Denny... but one day I swear I’m going to keep count of the things I get called. Bosses Bitch (Boss decided rather than be his PA i should be his BB), Doris (on account that I ‘ear wig’ and pop in my two penneth like a granny!) Weed (because I have a tattoo of a flower on my wrist) Denster (???) Denoir (equally???) DBT (Denny Big Tits - yer well they are builders!) do I go on? No its boring. But all these names are banter, harmless banter. The language in the office is appalling! Political Correctness is 50 years away! Sexism, racism, ageism.....
Oh but if I ever retaliate oh blimey! “Is it nature week?” “Oh she's off to Puddleton again!” “What? Not getting any?” “You need another baby!” or I have "crossed the line" or "over stepped the mark" and Boss therefore has the arse for a few days!
Ok allowances should be made, he is 40, he is Italian, he is an Arian and he is male.....all these things should be taken in to account LOL!
But there are days when my years spent in the "bitchy-bimbo laden-superficial world" of cosmetics seem infinitely more appealing!
As you can tell I have had dealings with my easily upset boss this week, Monday the office was shite, by Wednesday it was lovely, Thursday morning he got the ump again and by Friday close of business all was well and smiley......but wow they say women are moody!
I don't know why I post these upbeat, jolly, "gosh-isn't-my-world-great" blogs! They invariably seem to be the kiss of death to any happiness I feel each time I do!
I had a frustrating day yesterday but was determined to keep chirpy and not let the day spoil. Spent most of the afternoon and evening mucking about on here, sport was on the telly all afternoon and most of the evening too so I came to chat and blog and mess about. Then joy of joys my favourite myspacer joined me online, but his day had been pants, he was feeling rejected, dejected and disappointed, so we chatted aimlessly and ended up having a 'good time'. Then we were cut off abruptly, without of usual 'post-online-liaison-chat' I ended up feeling bit pissed off, then vulnerable, exposed and used. (You know, you have just had a shag and nip to the loo and on returning find them dressed and ready to leave? sure it’s happened to all of us at some point!) I sulked, which was foolish as it was as beyond his control as it was mine, but I felt sulky...so there!
I retired to bed and fell sound asleep.
Waking at about 3am I found hubby snuffling and murmuring on his side of the bed, deep dreamy sleep, twitching involuntarily, breathing heavily. I slid my hand over him, curious, was he having a horny dream? I discovered a very hard cock beneath the thin material of his pj's. Now this would not bother me in the slightest except for the simple fact that on Friday while he relaxed on the bed watching the 6pm news I had crawled over to him and kissed him, hard and passionate, hitched up my skirt and sat astride him, he had held me tight grinding against each other, he hotched my panties down and I unzipped him and we kissed some more...nothing...limp...not a murmur. We fumbled around a bit but were gratefully disturbed by daughter, he leapt up and dashed in bathroom, I quickly dropped skirt and kicked pants under the bed! Saved by the bell! But here is was now with a beautiful hard erection!
I touched him, oh so lightly, tracing one finger up and down its length, all the movements he loves but so lightly I knew they would be as frustrating as hell, teasing fingers, speeding then slowing to a maddening pace, all the time barely any pressure behind the strokes. He adjusted his position, slightly parting his legs, so again I allowed my butterfly touch to emulate strong wanking movements but so lightly, so gently, him trying to push against my hand, me keeping my distance. Then I grabbed his balls, hard, hurtful, grinding my hand into them, my strong fingers pressing deep forceful strokes under his balls, between his legs, along the root of his cock, his movements changed urging me on, so I stopped, butterfly strokes again, up and down, back and forth, hardly a touch at all, teasing, tracing, circling the tip now wet with anticipation, still he tried to encourage proper strokes, a proper grip, a firm thrust of my hand, all the time I continued, light and ineffectual. Then I grabbed him again, harder this time, he groaned out loud, my fingers cruelly crushing the delicate flesh that woke him fully!
He reached round to me and finding me more than ready raised himself above me and fucked me hard and urgently! We kissed briefly and fell back to sleep.
Nothing has been mentioned this morning. Revenge short lived and not terribly satisfying.
Have felt like a pile of shite today. Tried to start diet again! Boss not speaking much to me. Me feeling resentful and low. Car costing a fortune at the garage. Cat been in fight again and had to go to vets. And to top it all my most darling friend and usual highlight of my day seems to be finding it all too much.
