Choices Choices

Originally Posted - 6 Nov 2007

So here we are. Another Tuesday and where as last weeks Tuesday was all glowy and romantic, filled with poetry and mushy messages, this Tuesday is officially 'horny Tuesday'

As I reported earlier, My Love and I have been playing a game over the last 4 days and last night he opened the 4^th of his 'task' messages, today is the final day he has to complete a task for me.

He has found making the choices difficult (notice how I refrain from using the word hard) he is not used to making choices with me. When in the role of his Tormentress I tell him what to do. When we are just us and there are choices to be made, where to meet, what to eat, he goes beautifully into gentleman mode and lets me choose.

It goes without saying that many of us in our professional lives are totally different, the skills we use at work, and the personas we live by to get through our working day/week/month are very different from how we react and deal with situations on a personal level and with our partners and family.

And my darling DB is no different. I know that he goes along with many things at home for an easy life, so as not to rock the boat, to avoid conflict. This doesn't make him unusual; in fact on the contrary I recognise the scene only too well. As an outsider it irritates me at times that I see him doing things and accepting things, letting others (oh come on, stop skirting – just put The Wife!!) decide and choose the course of his day/evening/time, whatever, when he would really love to do something different, do something for himself perhaps.

But I recognise that it is what my husband has done for most of our years together. He let me take over. I decided on home furnishings and decoration. I decided where and when we should take our holidays. I made choices over the tiniest details of our lives. Even greater when I get down to it, I decided we were to marry, he asked me to live with him, I said I wasn't giving up my flat just to 'lodge' with him and that we should get somewhere together. We bought a house. I said I wasn't going to just be a live-in girlfriend. We arranged a wedding. I said I was desperate to have a baby. We got pregnant. All through our lives together it has been me that has pushed and decided and arranged. (I don't sound a very nice person do I?) I never did it to be in control, I never consciously decided that I would wear the trousers in the relationship, it just developed that way.

I grumble about his lack of depth of character, his flatness of personality, his lack of passion….but maybe it is me that has made him like that, maybe I have been such a control, this larger than life character in his world that he has just complied 'for an easy life', because he loves me and if I am happy he is, and he has just allowed me to take 'us' over. Maybe that is why now there is so little of 'him' left? Or was it never there in the first place?

Now this is so far off the point I was originally going to make that I am going to have to pause a moment and reread it….so hold on a sec!

Ok. So the tasks…….

DB and I know each other intimately well in some areas of our lives (and the use of the word intimately doesn't exclusively mean on a sexual level) we have talked for hours at a time, random, mundane details, ideas and opinions and of course, fantasies and desires. On other levels I know very little about him. In a very much earlier blog I rambled about how wonderful he was but how I would never know how he felt or kissed, get to hold his hand, the sound of his voice or his skins scent, we all know that now is not the case and all the things I thought I would never have the joy of experiencing I now have. But because although I have known him a whole year and yet still only actually been with him on 8 occasions there are still so many things I may not ever get to know as I would if we were a 'proper' couple. That's fine. Difficult to think on sometimes but then I guess the answer is don't think.

However it is surprising how much you do learn about a person despite not spending long periods of time with each other, obviously it takes longer but we have now lost a lot of the insecurity we felt about each other, we don't get too many floods of doubts if there is unexpected silence from the other, we have learnt to read between the lines of our text messages and see the tongue in cheek humour or underlying seriousness. I know now that when he is feeling pissy there IS nothing I can do to help so I butt out and let the Wife take the shit, in the end he usually contacts for solace. I know too that when he is bubbling he is totally irrepressible and it is intoxicating, we have got to judge each other moods from so few words as can be squeezed into a text message. Clever aren't we?

One of the things we have always prided ourselves in is our total honesty with each other. We both spoke very early on in our friendship that so much of our every day lives were based around lies.

For me it was lying to myself and the remainder of the world that I really was a happy jolly person, the façade fell apart and I ended up on happy pills for 18 months, I lied to my husband with regard to my whereabouts while I conducted sexual liaisons, temporary fix but increasingly destructive, I lied about what I wanted from my life, from my marriage and from myself. As any of you who regularly read my blogs you will know I have stopped the lies, admittedly I don't always tell if I'm not asked – hell it's not a complete death-wish I have!! – But if faced with a question I do now answer honestly and then deal with the fallout.

It is not my place to expose the areas of his life that he lied about, if any of you read his blogs too you will already know, but needless to say we all find ourselves living a lie with the very people who we are apparently closest to. How many of you reading this actually tell the person you live with, the person who shares your life, the person you love above all others exactly what they really feel and want, especially when it comes to sex. Some of you may be lucky and started out completely honestly and openly and to you I say well done! Fantastic! Never lose it!! But I bet there are more of you out there who know that there are things of both your sex and everyday life that you are not totally truthful about but that once the lie has begun to be lived it is too scary to expose it.

Anyway, we try our damnedest to be truthful and honest with each other. This can sometimes be painful, there are sometimes you really don't want to hear the truth, there are times you want a nice, big, fat, juicy lie to make the world seem that perfect place you crave but although both of us hates the idea of causing the other hurt, we tell the truth…….or do we? Or do we do what I do at home and only tell if asked?

Once again totally off the track….are any of you still reading or have you thought fuck this and gone for a beer?!?

Ok, the Tasks. I gave him choices, I wrote him 6 tasks, we had 4 days before we were going to be meeting and I asked him to choose 1 task each evening to be completed for me the following day. I gave them cryptic titles, like a crossword, so so obvious when you know the answer but rather unclear on first appearance. I had written all the tasks as if they were short individual tasks, as if each one was the complete thing, usually a tease and denial task or a period of chastity will extend over a few days and then be rewarded upon successful and satisfactory completion. All these tasks were easy. Nothing too taxing, or they wouldn't have been if they had been the complete thing. It difficulty of them was also influenced by the order they were selected in. Out of the 6 there were 2 that meant restraint, 2 that were pretty non-sexual unless included in the context of the game and 2 that included the chance for him to cum.

He found the choosing very difficult and I knew that even when he had chosen one, he was already pondering on the meaning of the others, it was made harder because the first was an intense tease and denial task, the second a 24 hour period of chastity and I know he was struggling during the second day. We both were at times, despite knowing that he relishes these games, loves the control I have over him when we play, that it is his choice to play and be played I still at times have rushes of guilt that I am putting this adorable man through this. I try to comfort and reassure but it is hard across a distance, with real life carrying on around us, especially when I don't yet know what he has to face as his task the following day! I found it easier the last 2 days, when I was able to foresee perhaps at least one task that would end his restraint.

We spent many months purely playing like this, me controlling this man from all these miles away, sending instructions, teasing and provoking and there was he complying with my demands, submitting to my whim, my wonderfully obedient slut and all at the press of a 'send' button. We had great fun!! We also had dark moments as we learnt more about his submissive nature and where it could lead him (not always to very happy places) We perhaps considered that it was fairly easy at times, remote Femdom relationship, cyber D/s. I think both of us would agree that now that is in fact much more difficult.

We have now played for real. I have been with him as he has submitted to me. I have given him face to face instructions. I have seen my slut in full slut mode. We are still very much learning this aspect of us, so much more to try and discover but whereas I was worried that I wouldn't be able to carry through the role of his Dominant in reality it is surprisingly easy. I SEE his reaction, his IMMEDIATE reaction and can respond accordingly, I can reassure and encourage, there is touch, comfort and love even when he is submitting to me. So easy to do as you are told when the person who has instructed you is there by your side, so much easier to submit and obey when your failure to do so will be seen immediately. Oh how much harder (sorry for mentioning 'hard' so many times my Love) to obey and resist and restrain and submit when the person is miles away and would not know whether you were truthful or not. And yet he does. Always. And I find that strength and honesty so wonderful. How dreadful to have spent time thinking up elaborate games and tasks only to have your playmate think…pah sod that! She'll never know wink wink!

Of course he now has more choices. I have posted to his eager little inbox a series of 6 treats, rewards for completing the self-imposed (he will dispute that, not self imposed cos I told him to!) tasks. He is to select his treats tonight and, if today's task is completed satisfactorily, not that I doubt it for one moment, he will be able to choose 4 from the 6 I have sent. There are no cryptic titles to addle his brain further, just numbered 1-6. And they will be enjoyed by us both when we meet tomorrow.

And then that's when I get to choose…….the order in which I deliver them! Ooh what fun My Love!!

X X X X

Trick or Treat?

Originally Posted - 3 Nov 2007

Hey! Did you all have a good Halloween? I have found over the years that the best way to keep the pesky little blighters from knocking your door is to stock up on lots of sweeties to give them! Works every time! Not one witch, not a single ghost and definitely no horrid little ghouls come knocking at my door!! Now of course if there isn't a treat in the house, they seem to descend on my front step from miles around! I swear they sniff out the unprepared

I am having a bit of Trick or Treat fun myself .....or should I say Task or Treat??

I have set My Love a series of tasks for him to complete on the run up to our next meeting. But before I go any further I just wish to make an observation regarding myself.

I love these games. They are fun, exciting, erotic, thrilling and at times all-consuming. Now we have played for real I appreciate very much how different these games are. Real play is all those things described above, but it is also REAL and physical, you get to see first hand the effect that the task, pain, touch, tease has on each other. The response is immediate and visible, you are there to praise, support, comfort and soothe these responses and reactions. It is very real. These online games or games by text take a little more thought, although the responses, both mental and physical, are still as real the other person is not able to share so clearly.

I have noticed that I tend to use these games to focus my Love on me. Of Course this is the whole point, to fill his head and wrack his body with the need to succumb to my whim, my pleasure. But I have noticed I particularly create these games when I am feeling low or fragile, vulnerable or insecure. I know this isn't particularly healthy but hell, its better than Prozac!!

Back to the game.

We are to meet in 4 days time, and this time, quite unusually the choice of the tasks are down to him, I laugh because that is not strictly true! I have sent him 6 separate messages, each with a cryptic title so as not to reveal too much. Each evening he is to open a message of his choosing (see told you! he's picking them) and that is his task for the following day. Of course that means that 2 will remain unopened, unrevealed, he may miss the easiest ones or the most fun ones

Last night he selected his first. It was titled 'So Close'. It is a tease and denial task and as always he is pushing himself as far as he can in trying to please, obey and complete the task. I sometimes fear that he will push too far and fail, which he did once very early on in our game playing. He was devastated, truly gutted and I don't like the idea of him being in that dark place again. But I trust him and I trust his judgment in testing his resolve, I know he doesn't want to fail me either.

On Tuesday evening the day before we meet I shall send him another 6 messages, these will contain 'Treats', rewards that will be available to him on Wednesday when we meet. How many treats he gets to open will be dependant on how many tasks he has completed satisfactorily for me, but of course there will be a maximum of 4 opened. Once again, which will he choose, will he pick the most thrilling ones, hmmm sluts choice

And so today I go about my day, all the while aware that approximately 180 miles away there is a delicious man who, at this very moment is virtually totally focused on his need for me, for my approval and my praise. It is intoxicating stuff

A Day With a Difference

Originally Posted - 30 October 2007

Today is an ordinary day, a Tuesday, bright and autumnal, average temperature for the time of year. I should imagine for some of you it marks an occasion, some of you may have birthdays, an appointment, a meeting of some sort but generally it is an ordinary day....Tuesday the 30th October 2007.

Last year it was on a Monday of course, Monday 30th October 2006.

The previous evening, bored and ignored I was sending messages and browsing users here on MySpace. I sent one friend request. To 'Dirty Bastard'. The self condemning mystery pervert. No fine picture, just a blurred image of an unrecognisable face.

So when on Monday morning I logged in at work to find that not only had he had accepted my request but also that there was a message for me in my inbox from him, I was a bit nervous (I know, it sounds silly but my page was very new and I have always been a little dubious about the net, never done chat rooms and the like, still haven't to this day)

His was a simple message thanking me for my request and enquiring the reason for it. I responded and told him that although his profile was clearly meant to point out his sexual perversions and interest in porn that I had read many of his blogs and they had amused and interested me. I followed this by asking him why he had accepted my request, he replied that he had looked at my profile and it had made him smile.

And that is the beginning of the story that you should all know by now for it has been well documented over the last 365 days.

And so today, this ordinary, average, run of the mill Tuesday at the end of October is anything but that for me, to us. It marks the day that we have known each other One Year that we have been part of each others lives that we have fallen and been in love with each other, it marks our special day

We would both have loved to have spent this day together, but real life dictates otherwise. This morning I have opened an email, a poem he has written for me, the words (all 365 of them) so perfect, so beautiful I wept as I read them. No one in my entire life has written or said words to me like he has; no one in my entire grown up life has made me feel as precious. I am overwhelmed by them, truly overwhelmed. I want to copy them all here, to show them off in some perverse teenage way, so proud am I that someone should love me this way and better still that I love them back equally.

In my darker moments I know that what we share is wrong in some eyes, that our love as much as it builds and sustains us could and has hurt others, but when I wipe away these unwanted thoughts it is difficult to consider something so good, so pure, so equal, so intense as anything but a blessing, a once in a lifetime love, a never to be repeated bond.

And so today I go about my ordinary average Tuesday with a smile on my face and in my heart, a skip in my step and a glow surrounding me and I thank My Love for everyday he has and hopefully will be part of my life.

Plain and simple, I love him....

Now 18 months on from this post, I will share with you the poem he sent me

I have known you three hundred and sixty five days,

None of these have gone unmarked,

There aren't many who could claim that,

Not many could make so bold a claim.


I have loved you for the most of that,

for the rest,

I was simply

falling

In love with you.


I sat down to write this,

and almost every thing has been said,

I have told you everything,

of the beauty I see in your face,

the love in your heart,

the grace in your movements.

I have told you all this often and have been scorched

by the heat in your soul,

have looked into your eyes

and seen further into my own.


We have shared moments of such intimacy,

but I have never felt naked,

or alone,

or scared,

I wear your love as a shield

a badge of honour

I am rightly proud that a woman such as you

can love me,

and every day anew

I seek to earn that love with efforts of my own.


I ache to make you smile,

to make you laugh,

that percussive giggle, when tears reach your eyes,

your sides ache

and I know that your heart sings.

As much as I long to look upon you,

hair damp and ruffled, breathing hard,

cheeks flushed, the sated sensual beauty of you,

that smile upon your face,

echoing mine.


I wonder how

when these words are writ

how you will receive them,

when your eyes see

and your sharp mind begins to analyse,

will you see them as clumsy,

for they are,

in you I am lost

there are no adequate words

no turns of phrase

that will ever

show

you

truly

how wonderful

a woman you are.



Once I thought that I could write this poetry,

you have taught me that our best

efforts are in our moments together

exploring without words

you express more with a kiss

than I have felt before,

more without words

than all of these words could ever say.



Of these lines there is a word for every day I have known you

and the last five were simple

and pre ordained

Simply


(name)

I Love You,

Thank You.

One Whole Year

Originally Posted - 24 Oct 2007

Yesterday marked the anniversary of my online profile, one whole year has passed since, despite being told (in fact it was because of it!) that I was 'too old' to have a MySpace page by my daughter, I signed up and created my profile.

Oh such an innocent profile, pictures of the kids, holiday snaps that made me look half decent, smiley shots with friends, all on a flowery little background of some obscure colour I can't remember now.

I added my friends and my daughters and my daughters friends and smiled each day when if I had received a message or a comment. I had some friend requests and I happily accepted them all Oooh people wanted to be my 'friend'!!!

Friends have changed, my profile has changed, innocence has gone, blogs have changed, pictures been altered......

One whole year....

Have I moved on with my life any? Nah not really. As you all read there is the new world of 'honesty' that I'm not sure is a help or a hindrance, is it true that sometimes ignorance really is bliss? But there again, if I'm not asked I don't tell its just if I am asked I tell the truth.

I sat and wept a little with my best friend in the whole world yesterday, and she pointed out that I don't have to make any decisions yet, now; or even soon, no-one is pressuring me except me. I pointed out that I'm not getting any younger and that I feel my life is slipping past without me being sure of who or what I am but she reminded me that age is just a number, one I'm afraid I tag far too much importance to, and that the time will come when I will be able to decide what to do.

Now here's another quandary.......and one you can all help me with!

It has been discovered that our bed is knackered (that means broken in this context) I have not been sleeping well for many months. I had put it down to the fact that I sleep on the very edge of the bed most of the time to create the obligatory gap between me and hubby. I blamed the fact that I do not relax while I share a bed with him. I sleep soundly when in any other bed, whether it be hotel, friends spare room, sofa!! But in ours I wake feeling cranky and my back feels sore. I ache, I grumble and I get up at ungodly hours cos I can't get comfortable. Now at least I know it is the beds fault! But hey now dilemma!!

Do I approach the subject of whether we could perhaps purchase 2 single beds as opposed to a new king size??? What do you think?? Its perfect timing but am I brave enough???

Off to make coffee and feed the cats......bye for now x

Daughters and Lovers

Originally Posted - 15 Aug 2007

Lol...no, not both of them together but the two subjects feature in my blog today.

Firstly (as in the title) daughters, specifically my daughter, very specifically my eldest daughter Beth.

Beth is approaching her 18th birthday. In September. Last year she got her provisional drivers license and started taking driving lessons. Back in June I booked her theory driving test and as she had taken 30 lessons with still no mention from her pillock of an instructor that she was ready to take her practical, I stopped her lessons and said that once she had passed the theory I would then re-book lessons with a different (hopefully better!) instructor to get her through the practical! She took the test and missed it by 5 marks.....but was pleased with herself (because she thought that she would fail it by more than that) and she HAD passed the hazard perception part after all! We re-booked, she went on her hols promising to practice hard when she got back, on her return she booked to go see some band in London with her friend so "sorry mum, I won't be here for my test!"....I rescheduled, giving her an extra week to practice, This time she was THRILLED cos she only failed it by ONE mark!!! Don't you see you stupid girl!! You failed it!! "Yer but only by one mum, I'm getting better!"

On the 3rd September the theory test gets harder, with a lot more questions, so desperately I have been checking the test centre each day to see if there were any cancellations.....(its me who's paying for these fucking tests!) and hoorah! Managed to get her in for this Thursday! I have been out for the day today (more on that in a minute) and text her this morning to remind her to put some practice in today.....has she? Has she hell! I got home to find she has cleared off to stop with her friend overnight.....I despair! Add the fact that back in February my parents put some money towards a brand new little car for her and I to share (and ultimately it will be hers when she is earning - that needs another blog in itself!!) but will she drive it? No! I don't know what to do with her! I liked it when she was little and she did as she was told, because she believed me, and I was the centre of her world now it seems every outside influence is more influential than me! Friends, boyfriends, spotty geeks that hang about, any one other than me! There are some days I don't like being a mum!

However I do like being a Lover.....and that brings me to the second part of my blog.

For today I have met My Love again. For the fifth time! Yes! Shock! Horror! Each time we meet it is so much fun, so comfortable, such easy company, so so enjoyable....... As you have read in my previous blogs (and I know some of you read his too) we live a long distance apart, around 180 odd miles, fortunately for me he works a good hours traveling away from home and in my direction! This means that when he is at work he is only around 130 miles from me and with an hours drive for the both of us we manage to meet half way.....not too difficult, as they say if there's a will there's a way and oh boy is there a will!

Of course finding a suitable place to meet is a little trickier as neither of us are particularly familiar with this part of the country (getting better tho lol). As I blogged our first meeting was a little jinxed with a motorway closure and we ended up at a Sports and Leisure Centre, but they had a coffee shop and a toilet and a pathway to wonder around, and beyond all that neither of us really cared at all where we were because we were finally meeting, real life meeting, face to face, touch, hold, kiss (yer yer you get the picture!)

The next time we met at a nearby service station (and I have to add this that as service stations go it really is rather lovely) on that occasion we both thought it was to be the last time and it was full of tears and pain and heartache, but even then so comfortable with each other.....

Then we had our day together which I have already written of....

For our meeting today My Love had googled and discovered a woodland area with a sculpture trail ...sounded lovely, still close to our 'half way' point, a little culture and artiness to balance the snogging and so that was our rendezvous for today.....and it pissed it down!! Lmao!! We have had about 3 weeks of lovely weather and when we had hoped for a picnic and outdoor pursuits it was pouring with rain......Did it matter? Not one jot! He had bought us a picnic we shared while stowed in his car, we chatted, we laughed, we giggled and we had squashed sex! Ha ha ha!!! We even attracted our very own pervert who kindly parked close by and made no effort to hide the fact he was trying to watch! (We moved parking spots...he went!) But once again we have had a wonderful day. My little heart is fair bubbling with joy! (which incidentally was the name on the first Eddie Stobbart lorry that I passed on the way home!) My face is as smiley as it can get with risking more laughter lines, and my body buzzes at the memory of him.

And the sculptures? Oh they were magnificent, he was particularly taken with a golden bust and my favourite was a magnificent monolith.

bye folks x

Appliances and Ponderings -The Sequel

Originally Posted - 27 July 2007

Well my beautiful dishwasher has been delivered…but as yet is not plumbed in as I have to pin down rather elusive Scottish plumber with a drink problem…hmm yer quite! So at the moment it sits looking a little out of place in my dining room, and I smile and stroke it as I pass by on the way to the kitchen and, but don't let him know I have noticed, I have seen hubby do the same, so although he looked suitably grumpy at the thought of me spending money and mumbled a bit I think he actually likes it...:

And as my back has been giving me some serious grief for the last week or so I have not decorated either, so being that I am a girlie and like all things sorted, matching and properly completed (and no not like Hyacinth Bucket!) none of my other appliances have seen light of day either, cos I want to put them all out when it is all done and beautiful. So there! But by midweek, drunken plumber providing, my little kitchen will be all done. *big smiles*

I have been up to Rochdale to see one of my lovely friends, the one I went on holiday with back in April. It was her birthday and although originally was only going to spend one night there ended up stopping over for two, lovely easy company, a change of scene, fresh air, giggles and chat, just what I needed, and it was with more than a little reluctance I packed my bag and returned home.....you know. Just a few more nights me thinks.

And now of course the ponderings (patience – or I may make it a trilogy!)

In my last blog I said that something had become missing in my marriage, in my relationship. I'm not sure I really know quite what it was or is, I suppose somewhere along the line you both take each other for granted, what begins as a couple, a partner, a lover, the two of you making a life, forming a future, somewhere along there you get bogged down with bill paying, salary earning, child rearing and mundane life seems to overtake all the original reasons and feelings that you had in the beginning. You forget to tell each other how important you are to one another, the things that amused now irritate, the time you spent enjoying each other gets taken up with other stuff. Maintaining a relationship isn't easy, it can be hard work, an effort, to make that person still feel the centre of your world, to take the time to make them feel loved and valued, to make the time and space to share things, to put in the work to reap the results.

I have tried, I really have, but when year after year all the effort seems to come from just one side, with only one making the effort, only one instigating the good times, the shared times, the conversation, the social times and the love making it can seem a very lonely place to be, it chips away at your self esteem, at your belief in yourself, in your spirit and in the end when this sadness and dissatisfaction has been pointed out to the other on a number of occasions and that person still does not put in their part of the effort required, it quietly shrivels and dies. I think for my own self preservation part of me shut down and detached itself from the relationship.

So after more than 4 years, after 4 attempts to explain my unhappiness, after 18 months on happy pills, there was a seriously big space there, one that was open and empty, a space that was available to be filled with love and attention once again, to be filled with emotions I had long thought I would never experience again……and as many of you know that space has been filled…oh boy and how! With more words and feelings, sensations and attention, more lust and love than I had ever thought possible….

Yes Stanley, that’s a mighty fine mess I'm in....but shit the highs are worth all the lows..........

Appliances and Ponderings

Originally Posted - 19 July 2007

Ok folks....Life Avoidance not going too well at present Lol! It is 6.46am on a morning I do not have to get up for a thing and I have been awake since 3.30 yer go figure!

Yesterday I had a very productive day....expensive but productive! I purchased! Having got up yesterday morning and found the dinner plates still sitting there from the night before (I had been out in the evening but no-one had thought to do them for me) I commandeered assistance of 'best friend in the world' and swept off to the stores to purchase a .......wait for it......... a dishwasher!!!!

Now my hubby, for all his foibles, has always been a star when it has come to washing up, early on I had two small children to run around after and so it was a shared chore, latterly when we were both working full time it became his (I cook, he washes up) But of course as many of you are aware I left my job back in May and am now a 'lady of leisure' or Domestic Goddess. He seems to have missed the point of this leisure and Goddess bit....cos he expects me to wash up now!!

So I took myself off to buy an appliance! It is being delivered on Monday. Of course this now means I have to finish decorating the kitchen so that is my task for this weekend. While I was there I also impulsively grabbed a new blender, a microwave and a sandwich toaster....well it would have been rude not to.

I then finished off with a new pair of shoes, a sparkly belly bar, 2 dresses for Jasmine and some very expensive skin care......not a bad afternoon Goddessing!

So, back to my original line of thought....

I have been awake since the wee hours and have been pondering, there are a number of things I would rather be doing in the wee hours but pondering was what it was today.

I have been married for 20 years and we have been together for 22. When we met I was still in love with my ex, a gorgeous guy who was 4 years my junior and we had 2 years of fantastic fun and incredible sex. But I was what I now describe as 'ripe' to settle, and he still had a lot of partying to do, so we parted, I broke his heart and when a few weeks later I regretted my decision, he in turn broke mine by not taking me back. I believe that if you truly, I mean deeply and truly love someone, that there is always a little part of your heart that will always love them, there is for me and I am lucky in that we have remained friends and still keep in touch to this day.

Anyway I met husband and, as I have previously blogged, he was different from all previous men, safe, reliable, responsible, older than me and working, good husband material. I do know from a conversation we had fairly early on in our relationship that he too thought it was time to become a property owner, settle, family, the works. And so there we were, both eager to conform to the home-owning, child-rearing, Mr. and Mrs. Average...and that’s what we did.

Now not for one minute am I suggesting that it was not what I wanted, that I didn't love him and need him and want him in my life, that I didn't ache to have a baby and my own little family. I did.

And what was really in my pondering head this morning was that for 18 of those 22 years I was happy and content. I had friends, I had a social life. I got attention from men; I flirted a little but never, ever was I open, in mind or heart, to wanting or needing either the love or physicality of another man. It was only when there was something very absent in our relationship that there became room for the attentions of anyone else. It was only when there was a gap in my heart that there was a space to nurture the love for another.

And that is where my head is at this morning...........

Life Avoidance

Originally Posted - 16 July 2009

Well, I am perfecting a new skill. It is not one that I want to pursue for very long but one that is very necessary at the moment.

Now this has you all intrigued doesn't it? What new skill is she honing to perfection? What new string to her bow is she perfecting?

It is 'Life Avoidance' - never heard of it? Oh I'm sure we have all done it at some time, let me explain.

Saturday morning I woke at the un-godly hour of 6am. Shit! There I was awake and thinking, thoughts invading my head. So I made the necessary loo visit and curled back in my bed, using my new techniques to blot out all thought…low and behold I re-woke at 9.30. And my first waking thought then was "Thank God for that, three and half hours less of today to get through"

Last night, having baby-sitting duties cancelled I text friend at short notice to see if she could join me attending gig at local venue. "Oooh yes! Fantastic! See you later!" came the reply. So I got myself ready and headed out for company, new and old, much beer and very loud rock music. Another 5 hours not having to think.

Of course due to late night and beer I managed to sleep until 11 am this morning...hey this is good such a short day to manage today! But then because at least when I sleep I do not have conscious thought I took myself to bed again for a little over 2 hours this afternoon.

It is now 8pm and in my sad little head this means that in approximately 3 hours I can return to unconsciousness once again.

This is all very strange and new for me. As many of you know I have spent the last nine months grumbling about how my life is slipping by, how i am not ready to slip mindlessly into middle-age yet, how I am going to fight to grab every moment of pleasure and fun I can. And yet here I am chuffed at myself for finding my new skill...and immensely grateful for it too, it stops me having to be aware of all the dreadful pain, confusion and heartache that is my life at the moment.

Icecream and Insults

Originally Posted - 13 July 2007

Well my girlie comes home tonight I have missed her so!! I know I grumble and whinge about her selfish little teenage ass...but jeez have I missed her. I have missed her so much this week, probably more than most cos I have had a pretty dreadful week. Whereas youngest daughter keeps herself tucked away, poddles about, amuses herself with her own stuff, absent daughter earwigs, asks questions and generally pokes her nose in! I have been able to shield youngest from my hell this week but 'nosey pants' would have been straight in there! And although I have missed her hugs, her love and her support of me, I wouldn't have wanted her to witness her mum quite in such a dreadful state (didn't eat or shower for 2 days yer it’s been that bad) and so tonight she will be home! With her tales of her holiday, the boys, the booze and hundreds of useless pictures no doubt!

On a different note, Tesco have had Ben & Jerrys Icecream on special offer and (oh bugger had better give girls names cos i can't keep referring to them as youngest and eldest!) Ok, Jasmine my youngest and I treated ourselves to a tub each the other week...she chose Chocolate Fudge Brownie and I chose Half-Baked ooh yummeee!

This week it was still on offer so we bought 2 more tubs and this time took one for hubby. When I 'presented' it to him I told him how Jasmine had chosen Choc Fudge Brownie cos she is our little choc fudge brownie How I had Half-Baked "Cos you're half-baked?" he enquired stepping straight into the trap for when I showed him his tub I had got him Fossil Fuel I'm not sure he was amused.

Lots more to tell but neither the time nor the heart for it.....