Friday, 23 April 2010

What a Pheasant Day.....

Well today I have made the 200+ mile trip that has allowed me to meet with my ex-lover. The day has been glorious, cool breeze, blue skies and brilliant sunshine. I woke this morning wondering what the hell had possessed me to put myself through this ordeal, should I set off earlier therefore arriving too early for him to meet in his lunch break? Should I set off later so as to miss his break? Should I simply text him and tell him there had been a change of plan?

In the end I set off, whacked some of my favourite tunes on, opened the window to let the early summer air invade the car and put my foot down! I had a wonderful journey. I actually enjoy driving, my car may be a small city car but it can eat up the tarmac and happily hit 85mph. I took a familiar route, the one taken frequently to meet on our secret trysts, the motorway meanders through beautiful English countryside, soaked in green for most of its way as foliage and trees come to life for this late spring.

I happily sang to my ipod songs, gobbled the breakfast sandwich and watched the miles whizz by. I saw a low flying plane sweep over the fields and dropping a string of 7 small parachutes with some sort of small parcels hanging from them, intriguing stuff! I passed the area we used for picnics, passion and playful past-times and saw Red Kites swooping on the swell of the breeze, the bright sun catching their deep russet red plummage, we have watched them from below while lying on our backs in idyllic patches of nature reserve.

My wee city car was overtaken in all manner of rude ways by drivers or BMW's or sporty little number who felt indignant at being or being passed by a tiny shiny red vehicle! Let them pass, I didnt care, I was on my adventure.

I arrived a little early and used the ladies loos there and then sat in the park at a picnic table in the warmth of the midday sunshine. I wanted to lie on the grass, but didnt think it would perhaps be appropriate to be splayed out prone when he arrived. So I sat and watched the few park dwellers carry out there business and watched for his car.

He arrived. He looked nervous but I smiled in what I hope was a warm and friendly way and stood to meet him. We hugged awkwardly and he made his excuses to dash to the loo himself. I watched him half run across the grass, his stride so familiar. When he returned we smiled and he plonked himself opposite me. We were never 'apart' when we were together, we were always touching, holding, beside each other. The space screamed out at me. I don't know whether he felt it or not. I don't know anything really. We were both quite animated in our chatter, we have never had any difficulty finding things to talk about, right from the very first MySpace message we exchanged the words always poured from us, anything and everything our source of topic.

I watched his face, the golden highlights in his hair, his beard trimmed slightly differently, his hazel eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled. I watched his hands, smooth and clean and his fingers so close I wanted to reach for them. I didn't.

And so we chattered along, sharing pics and news of our respective children, I never intended to speak of us, I wanted to hear his news, to tell him mine, to share fragments of our worlds. But he brought it up, he referred to our lost love, spoke of the discarded gifts and his regrets of that, he spoke of how I had fought so for my marriage before we met, he felt it only 'honourable' to do the same when she asked him to try, he said that the highs we'd had together were the sort that he would never get to feel again so precious were they, he chatted and filled the air with his talk.
I never got to tell him about the reason I had left our adult site, the way I had enjoyed my journey, the fields and the parachutes, the planes and the Red Kites, the dozens of dead pheasants that littered the motorway.

His lunch break ended, we walked back to the cars, I don't know what was going on in his head, we hugged again briefly. Did I want to kiss him? I don't know. If he had kissed me would I have allowed it? Yes.

And have I found anything out about myself today? Have I learnt anything. Only that I am so glad I'm not a pheasant.......

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Fools Paradise

I have done a very foolish thing.

What I hear you cry? More foolish than normal?? Ummmm (looks around embarrassed..ummm yes)....

I have asked my ex-lover to meet me for a coffee. I am heading to pick up my daughter and will be passing his place of work. So I text yesterday morning and said I would have to stop on the 3 hour journey for a wee and a coffee and would he be free to share one?

Now back in October last year I asked him to meet me, said I would drive down and I wanted to see him, that I wanted to say goodbye face to face, that I felt he owed me that at least. He refused. He said he didnt feel the need to meet, that it had caused him much anguish deciding to say no but that please dont ask him to.

Since then I haven't ever suggested it again. Until now. Why now?
I'm not sure, I have wracked my brains, searched my head and my heart to fathom out exactly the reason I sent the text message yesterday at 7.22am. All I will confess to is that I was pretty damn sure that he would say no again, in fact I would have put money on it.

So imagine my surprise when at 7.25am I got a reply to say yes, he was doing a course that day but that he would check what time they would break for lunch and let me know.

Now I am in turmoil and questioning why I asked. What do I want from meeting him? Closure? To see if I have been remembering our affair through rose-tinted specs and that when I see him again I will realise what a fool I am for still holding a candle for him? To finally say goodbye? To hope that he regrets not giving us a chance? Maybe a stupid, ridiculous, pathetic mix of all those things.

Ok. Worse case scenario. We meet. I fall apart, am still besotted, he feels nothing, is cold and heartless and I end up back at Square One while he goes home to live happily ever after.

Best case scenario? Oh hell I have been through all sorts of combinations of feelings, my initial thought was best case was that we fall desperately into each others arms, swear undying love forever and go up in a magical puff of smoke and leave the world on a magic cloud (or maybe a volcano ash cloud?) But I think (when reality finally kicked in) that best case would be if we met and found each others company gentle, warm and calm and we were finally able to let go of all the hurt that this intense affair has caused us both.

The liklihood of that? Hmmm probably very low but I guess unless I bottle it and cancel myself, we will find out tomorrow. Think of me x

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

My Celebrity Shag List.....

....shamelessly stolen from auntiegwen! So you can safely assume that there is at least some 'life after love'! Well ok perhaps Lust after Love..ha ha but hey a girl can't stay numb forever!

The delicious Josh Holloway. If you are a female Lost fan there are two camps, Jack or Sawyer. For me its always been the bad boy Sawyer

Hugh Jackman, didn't quite float my boat as Wolverine but still enough eye candy for him to not be thrown out of my bed if he were lucky enough to find himself there.......

Bradley Cooper, I am a sucker for a gorgeous smile and a twinkle in the eyes, he has both!

Mr Gerard Butler, something deliciously rugged and flirty about him, can imagine him being the rascal

And there my blogger stopped working for some strange reason and wouldnt let me upload any more pics or you may have also been subjected to Orlando Bloom, George Clooney and Nigel Barker!! Oh yummy !!

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Life Plans and Other Loony Advise

I read a blog today written by a lady that follows mine, Jean Maurie. She asked that if we could 'reset' our lives would we and if we did what would we do differently?

And it reminded me of a time a couple of years ago when my cousin and I were having a deep and soul-searching conversation about the state of her marriage. I of course, was happily knee deep in my extra-marital affair and happy as a pig in shit. So of course helping to sort out another persons misery and confusion all seems so simple, we're so good at dishing out advise aren't we but not so damn good at following it.

Her big dilemma was not knowing where the various options she had would lead her. "If only I knew they were the right decision" she lamented, "if only I could see that if I did X this would happen or if I decided on Y that would work"

Oh my moment of wisdom! Well you can't I retorted! What you have to do is think of it like a business plan.....Where do i want to be and how do I want to feel in 1 / 3 / 5 years? What do I have to do to get there. achieve that? And you make a conscious effort to take the first step in that direction, make the first move to get you at your end destination. Simple!

I remember telling 'lover' that and laughingly saying that it was easy to give the advise but that of course I couldnt take it myself, where I wanted to be was too complex, involved the decisions of too many others. Basically I wanted a chance at a life with him and I felt that wasn't my decision to make.

But Jean Mauries blog made me think back to this and now of course I am still in a confused and messy limbo-land. Maybe for once it is time to actually sit down and take note of my own 'sensible' advise.

Monday, 5 April 2010

The Things That Dreams Are Made Of.....

I dreamt last night. I don't always remember my dreams but when I do I wake and they flood my sleep sodden mind vividly in all their colours, shapes and locations.

In all the time I was with my lover I only ever dreamt of him twice, odd dreams where he was mixed into my every day life. It has been 1 year 5 months and 3 days since I was last with him and I dreamt of him last night. I have done twice recently. And the difference with these dreams?

I can feel him. I can see him so clearly in my head, the colour of his hair and the warm hazel of his eyes. I can smell his warmth and his skin, they are so powerful they still fill my senses as I wake and I desperately try to hold on and memorise them to my conscious, I don't want to forget how he felt to hold, to be held by, how he sounded....

It has filled my head all day and exhausted me

Saturday, 3 April 2010

Phenomenal Woman

This morning I logged in to catch up on my blog reading. Saz had posted a poem on her blog, Fab, Feisty & Fifty... and I thought it was so wonderful I wanted to post it for you ladies who dont usually have the pleasure of her posts!

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
If only I could hold on to that in my head and carry it with me every step of the way I might just make it through the rest of my life