Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Thoughts of a Rambling Mind

Yesterday I said goodbye. A final farewell blog at the adult site I have been a member of for over 2 years. I tried to keep it quite positive and upbeat but don't mind admitting I was in tears by the time I had finished it, the replies have made me weep more. I have made a few good friends there, some who I know will stay in my life for a long time if not forever.

Of course you can't please all of the people all of the time and I also made some, I won't call them enemies but maybe adversaries, folks who just seemed to like to stir some sort of shite and play mind games.

I am a very trusting person, since I discovered the online world of chat and messaging, blogging and forum posting I have only ever shown the real me, written in truth of emotions and actions or at least in the truth of how they felt or appeared to me. They are my truth. I wrote a long while ago when reposting my original blogs that I was proud and comforted when reading them back, to not once taking in a line or paragraph and thinking "my my girl, you exaggerated that one a bit!".

Because I am like that, admittedly hidden behind the pseudo-names of Tormentress and VelveteenRabbit, I expect and believe that all others are the same. Of course they're not. They make up their own stories, their own pasts, presents and futures, they become perhaps the person they feel they can never be in the real world and sometimes they then find another distraction that means they disappear from the cyber world without a word. For someone who deals in an open heart approach to life and love and gives of herself, what little can be given over the net, this can be confusing and hurtful.

The place I have left is also the site that my lover and I joined to explore our journey into Femdom, its a place that at first I clung to in case he came back to me, then because I got so much support and escapism from the friends I had made there and finally because I thought I could perhaps move on there. I made a new profile, gave myself a new nick but always came back to Tormentress because that was who I had really become, she was now part of me. At times my presence there brought comfort, at times terrible pain for what I was no longer a part of.

Increasingly engaging online has left me feeling used, empty and out of my depth and as it has been proclaimed there will be no 'exploration' of anything less than the mssionary position here (thats if a sexual relationship actually ever resumes and its looking less and less likely!) then my dabbling into that world now feels more fraudulent than ever before.

I have considered writing a novel, I am not sure how to begin and I am googling to find information but at least then I can find escapism in something constructive and perhaps cathartic too. I am glad to still have this place where I can empty my head and heart into the void and not have to pretend to be something that perhaps I never truly was in the first place.

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Life After Love.....

.........tonight there isn't any.

How can you feel so lonely when you're not alone? How can you feel invisible when you can clearly see your own pain? How can you hurt so much when all you feel is numb?

Sunday, 14 March 2010

On Mothers Day

Today here in the UK it is Mothers Day. It is 7.46 am and 'Mother' is awake and consuming coffee and painkillers while my two darlings still sleep.
Gone are the days when they 'crept' into my bedroom, excited and giggling, with gifts and flowers and breakfast (with the help of Daddy) to clamber on my bed and snuggle beneath the duvet with cold little hands and feet and demand that I wake and wake now because they wanted to start 'making my day'!

Now they will probably sleep till at least 10am (dependant on what time they went to bed themselves last night!) and I will already be up dressed showered and going about my day. The gifts they will give will be more expensive, probably more useful but a little less precious than the things they offered as children (it was always hilarious to discover what they considered Mummy really wanted )
If my life had followed my dreams I probably wouldnt have been here. I would be waking up almost 200 miles away in a new home. But my dreams went awry.
Last Mothers Day I was still in a blur of pain and longing for what I felt I had lost. This year I am so glad to still be here sharing the daily lives of my two beautiful daughters, witnessing their emergence into young womanhood, still being part of their laughter, their tears, their successes and their concerns, I watch them grow and learn and am honoured to have my days woven into theirs.
We use the term to be 'madly' in love with someone. I was truly madly in love. The dictionary says of madly: insanely, desperately, foolishly and I guess that sums it up. I was 'madly' in love. My love was beyond reason and sense, there was no rationale to it, only need, desperation and desire. So today more than any other day I am happy to still be here, with my wonderful girls and my own fragile Mother.
Happy Mothers Day to all the ladies here and ooh I hear movement maybe I wont have to wait till 10am for my hugs and love and the sight of their gorgeous faces

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Heart, we will forget him!

Heart, we will forget him ~ Emily Dickinson

Heart, we will forget him,

You and I, tonight!

You must forget the warmth he gave,

I will forget the light.

When you have done pray tell me,

Then I, my thoughts, will dim.

Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging

I may remember him!

Sunday, 7 March 2010

...Think I'll Go And Eat Worms

I have been thinking very carefully over the last few weeks. And I have been trying, once more I have been trying.
I have tried to encourage more conversation with hubby. I have encouraged a few evenings out to the cinema and for meals. I invited him to join me on a weekend with my friends from the North. I have spent more time sitting in the same room with him reading while he watches television rather than logging in for endless hours.

I have hugged him, initiated kisses with him, cuddled him in bed. I have complimented and thanked him. I have asked him to do small acts for me and been grateful. I have told him that I love him.

During the last 25 years I have known him I have given him everything, all of myself, all that I knew I was at the time. I have kept his home, supported him and bore his children. He has done the same for me but seemingly from a distance, guarded. I still can't truly say I know the man.

Last night I clambered onto the sofa beside him and encouraged a little kissing, he responded gently but I felt with reservation. "Do you fancy me?" I asked adolescently.
He paused and looked at me for more seconds than was healthy and then replied "Well you don't fancy me". Tit for tat? I blinked at him and walked away, muttering that of course, thats why I was curled against him trying to kiss a response from him.

I am invisible. I became invisible. I gave my all and he let me vanish. My everything wasn't enough.

I met my lover. He responded, so I gave my all to him, everything, every fibre of my being, my soul, my head, my heart, I thought he'd done the same. He rejected me, my everything wasn't enough.

And now I try and rekindle, to become visible again, All I have ever wanted is to be loved, wanted, needed, desired,. Is that so much to ask? But nobody wants me.

What this has shown me is that it isn't lover that I still crave it was the 'love' I thought I had found with him. It wasn't real it seems, it didnt last, like some cheap gold ring that loses its colour and turns your finger green. But just briefly I tasted what I had always wanted and to be rejected still by hubby when he claims not to want to lose me breaks my heart again nearly as badly as my lover broke it.

♫ So nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll go and eat worms ♫