Monday, 6 July 2009

Loathsome Creatures!

Originally Posted - 11 April 2009

There is often a stereo-type Domme portrayed – a man hating-amazonian woman, taking pleasure from the squirming pieces of worthless male excrement crawling at her feet not worthy of pleasuring her as a lover but merely for her amusement and entertainment.

While there may be a few out there in the real world, who even if not actual haters of male scum, enjoy the theatre of playing such a role and no doubt countless men get-off on such fantasies. Most of us (sorry to disappoint you guys) are normal human beings, with feelings and care and real lives. I know it’s a bummer isn’t it!? Like discovering there is no Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy isn’t real!

Myself I have always written how I adore men. I love their bodies, their masculinity. I have no desire, other than for sexual amusement and fun, to feminize my man. I find I am drawn to men online that come across as strong, masculine and dependable characters, not because I wish to ‘break’ them or emasculate them but because I genuinely enjoy male company.

I must also add at this point that a ‘strong’ man, for me, also has manners, respect and courtesy. I don’t tolerate insolence nor fools, whatever the gender.

So it has shocked me greatly to uncover that in a matter of mere days I have become a man-loathing Domina. It has occurred to me that the two men I have loved latterly have both been incapable of taking responsibility for their own decisions, actions, deceit and lies. They have both shown sides to themselves I despise.

I know this may sound rich coming from a woman who has conducted an adulterous affair under her husbands nose for nigh on 2 years, I am not that naïve or hypocritical not to see how that might read, but as I have previously blogged my discontent within my marriage was known by my husband a full 3 years prior to my lover and once discovered I was totally (at times brutally) honest and open about my carryings on.

This is very different from how the men in my life have conducted themselves.
My lover I shall leave well alone, it is written, it has been told, from both sides and I will not be revisiting.

But my husband now has proved to be no better.

While I was otherwise engaged in extra-marital activities he embarked upon an affair of his own. I had no reason to be perturbed by this as I was in love and planning a new life of my own when the time was right.

Since the end of my affair my husband has graciously given me space to grieve the loss of my lover. When I finally felt brave enough to face ‘real life’ once more, we spoke at length about where this has left ‘us’ and whether or not we felt we had any sort of future together as a couple. Neither of us were terribly sure but agreed to take it slowly and take care of each other, to see whether once a little more healed any of the love we must have felt once could be rekindled.
Gradually I have felt emotionally stronger. I still love db, a part of me always will, the love I felt for him was deep and strong and very, very real but I began to believe that I could feel love again for my husband once more.

I told him I was ready to ‘try’ but that I didn’t expect him to put a stop to his liaison unless or until he wanted to as I felt it might put extra ‘pressure’ on us.

After 2 or 3 weeks he suddenly announced he was meeting her, that he was going to tell her that we had decided we were going to rebuild things and that he could no longer see her. I asked if he was sure, he said he was and that seeing her felt wrong for him now.
We have been getting along fairly well, bonded by the common goal of caring for MIL, we have laughed together, worried together and made loose plans for the summer.

It has now come to light that he has been lying, he is still seeing her, still meeting her and still exchanging explicit text messages with her.

I am angry and disappointed.

If he doesn’t want me he should be man enough to say, if he is not willing to put in the effort to rebuild things (though he hasn’t done for the previous 6 years so why I am shocked he isn’t now I’m not sure!?) then he should say, if he doesn’t want to stop seeing her then at least be honest and say.

But he is weak and spineless and has lied and I am angry.

He may have been willing to hang around for 2 years and wait for the end or conclusion of my affair but I am not. I never would have been. He would have been left or thrown out or I would have fought vehemently if I had considered it all worth the fight!

He has done none of the above.

There are 3 reasons I am still here typing this today – my two beautiful daughters and my lovely MIL who really is too confused to deal with domestic disharmony. So I shall stay until things with her have been clarified.

So…there you have it folks! Overnight it seems I have morphed into a fantastical man-hating Domme who thinks all males are worthless pieces of scum that have no place other than under the sole of my shoe. So sign up now all you fools who think it might be fun to be despised and loathed and love the idea of the humiliation

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