Originally Posted - 22 April 2009
Over the past few weeks I have been reposting my old blogs on this site. These were the ones I wrote on my old MySpace profile; they documented my entrance into the online world of social networks, public blogging, the exploration of BDSM and more especially Femdom and ultimately my love affair. They latterly have been the ones that I have posted on the adult site I frequent as this is where 'my story' has left me.
I have been posting one blog each day, the first was originally written and posted back in October 2006. As I have previously written I am not quite sure of the reason I have felt the need to re-visit these blogs, perhaps a little of it is vanity, that I enjoy seeing my words up there on the screen, perhaps for posterity so all my words weren’t ‘wasted’ somehow but it has served a number of purposes.
Firstly it has been quite therapeutic, I try not to read ahead of the one I am posting, I try to wait until I am about to post it and then reread. I am not altering or editing them (only when it on occasion refers to a specific MySpace contact) and as I read I relive the times I have written of.
This has stirred some intense emotions, love, tears, fear as well as laughter and I find myself smiling or giggling to myself as I remember certain times.
For the most part things are exactly as I can recall them, there are some small details or events that I have forgotten and it makes me grin/ache/hurt* (delete as appropriate) when I reread them.
But when it comes to my affair at times I read the words I wrote and think how I could have been so blind. I wrote with such passion and confidence in the love that I felt, blinded into thinking and feeling that what I felt was good and right and proper. Now sometimes I read and I almost cringe at how I may have misinterpreted some occurrence or other.
In my defence all I can say is that you do or say or try for what you feel is right at the time. I truly believed that I had met the man I could spend the rest of my life with, the man who could make me feel a precious part of his life and that in turn I could make him feel the amazing person I believed him to be.
As we all know now it was not to be but it has taught me some important lessons about myself and they way I throw myself into people, believing that if I give my absolute all and make sure no barriers are in the way, that if I make myself available to someone as and when they want/need me that they will feel the same and love me back.
I have learnt a valuable lesson about my own self worth in all this. I spoke to a couple of submissive guys in the chatroom recently who were discussing the idea that a lot of sub men have low self-esteem.
I don’t agree, I think to a degree we all suffer self doubt and insecurity, I think as a bunch of people we all ‘like’ to pigeon hole ourselves, it tidies things up, keeps things neat.
But I will openly admit I am a Domme woman with low self-esteem and (at times) a pitiful self image. I get by like most people by putting on a wonderful front, a façade behind which to take on the world. I believe that whatever path we take in life, vanilla, Femdom or the myriad of other human quirks there will be a selection of folks spanning from overconfident arrogance to the broken and paranoid. I do believe it may influence the roles we find ourselves living within but I don’t believe it to be a hard and fast rule.
What my experience has taught me is that if I don’t like myself I cannot expect others to, if I have no pride in myself how can others feel proud of me, if I want to be cherished and adored I need to love myself too.
The hardest thing has been getting to this point. I won’t ever ‘get over’ my lover, I will live with him as part of my life, I used to love a certain mobile phone advert which claimed that “You are every One2One you’ve ever had”.
I am the person I am today because of all I have experienced in my life, including the last two and half years and I am now re-living those times in order to put into place all I have learnt from it and move on while still striving to keep the 'me' intact that I enjoy being and so many people have shared a ‘one to one’ with. I hope that I impart a little of me in all of you.