The Silver Lining

I have never spared you any details about how much I miss and still long for my lover. Even after all this time I still think of him daily, part of me longs to be able to stop, to flick the 'off' switch on thoughts and emotions and part of me I have to admit is terrified of forgetting how to love, how he made me feel, what he made me feel. Its still a very dark place I find myself in sometimes.

But there is one thing I have resolved in my head, the timing of his admission that he couldn't leave his wife for me meant that I never had to make the decision myself to leave my world. I had promised him I would move the 180 miles to be with him so he could still be close to his small children, still be a part of their daily lives, I know to have lost that would have destroyed him, they are his life, but that decision would have meant I would leave the city I was born in, my daughters, my parents and my friends as well as neighbours and work colleagues. It would have meant total upheaval.

Of course at the time I was so very very sure that I was willing to do this, willing to alter my life completely to be with this man. We were over before I had to make the break, of course they had all been told it was going to happen but I never had to actually test my resolve by packing and saying goodbyes.

And every day I am glad for that. In the 15 months since we parted I have watched my girls grow more, mature more and live more. Their beauty captures me each time I see them, I inhale the scent of them when they hug me close, who would help with their hair and makeup for special occasions? Who would have helped with youngest daughters sewing project and hand sew buttons and frills on? Who would have been there to hug them and tell them how amazing they are when they are feeling especially female and fragile?

And my darling parents, my Mum's broken ankle and all the care and visiting, my Daddy now so inceasingly frail , both needing me around for tasks that are now beyond them...

There will be a day when my parents have gone and my daughters have spread their wings and made new nests of their own, and then maybe then I will be free to follow my own longings....but for now I bind the pieces of my broken heart tightly together and allow myself the pleasure of the silver lining.... my family and friends still close by to me.

You Just Never Know......

....who is plowing your fields!

I had quite a surreal experience this morning. I have a FaceBook profile (and before you all go hunting for me my name isn't really Velveteen Rabbit - I know! Shockingisn't it!!) and like many of us with these social networking profile I have got sucked into the world of FarmTown and Farmville! I have fervently resisted having an aquarium, a zoo, a flat, becoming a zombie, a member of the mafia or gardening.......but yes, I admit it I am quite hooked on my farms....

*embarrassed silence*

I am not sure of their appeal, maybe the idea of my own little empires, the trees and buildings placed just where I want them, the choice of crops all chosen by me, no other human being to consult or care for, I can plow and harvest and plant to my hearts content amassing an enviable fortune of imaginary coins of no value whatsoever!

Anyway, I digress, I went to the 'Marketplace' this morning to 'hire' hands to come harvest and plow for me. Shouted out yells of "HIRE MEEEEE PLZZZZZZZZ" and "I WANT A JOB!!" get ignored by gentle me....... (I always like manners in my cyber employees) and then a spotted a blonde female little 'person' called 'Surrender2Me'

I hired her. She worked swiftly and carefully and I asked her (well my little red head person did) about her name......"Would you mind if I answered when I have finished working?" she replied. Not at all I responded. So when the other 'workers' had finished and gone I asked her again, told her I was curious about her nic.....

"Well" she said "when I am at my church it is what I am being asked to do, to surrender my heart and myself to God"

"Oh thats lovely" I replied, feeling rather relived that all I had to do was hit the log off button if I suddenly found myself being preached to.

"But when I am at the club....well it is very different" she suddenly typed.

I smiled "That was what I was curious about" I said back to her, her words came up on the screen "I am *"......... "a Domme?" I typed quickly "Yes .....very much so"

I grinned to myself, we exchanged email addresses and I recommended the site I still visit, she too has recently split from her submissive partner and is trying to find a way forward, I told her I was in a similar boat, gave her my Login name at the site......

Its really was quite surreal, you just never know who you are employing these days!

Sleepy Lies

I went to bed at midnight last night, hubby had popped his head round the dining room door and announced he was going up about half an hour earlier. I slipped into the dark room and flicking on the bathroom light cleaned my teeth quietly so as not to wake him. I fumbled around for the tshirt I sleep in, left my clothes on the stool by my bed and slipped quietly under the duvet.

He was still awake and wrapped his arm around me and snuggled around me, I murmured my surprise he was still awake and nestled a little closer. His hand stroked my tummy softly and after a few minutes slowly made its way a little lower......

I feigned sleep............

Why? Why after my previous blog didn't I reciprocate and let things take their course?

Because I feel dead inside and his touch made me freeze..............

The Naughty Nitty Gritty

Ok ok. Lets get down to the nitty gritty. Lets talk about sex! Or lack of it......

This is one area that seems to be sadly brushed under the carpet with us 'ladies'....we don't like to admit to having rampant libidos......or frustrated fumblings.....or really just not enough of the hot stuff! So I am going to be brutally honest here......I am a horny little beastie!

I have always been very 'physical', have always had a 'healthy' sexual appetite, an open mind and exploratory curiosity about sexuality and sexual practices. There are things that have flitted across my libido driven mind over the years that I wouldn't even tell my best friend (yer! that bad! or is that good?). I was sexually active at 15 (with my regular boyfriend) and have always enjoyed it though I admit when younger and more naive I was not the most imaginitive or confident paticipant. I suppose I have always taken the lead from my partner (quite strange really now that I have enjoyed a very Femdom relationship with ex-lover) being guided by what he wanted, what the male decided, his choice of position and activity. This means that when with a 'conservative' partner my sex was staid, when with someone with a 'lust for luuurrrvvee' I was equally enthusiastic!

I have written before that sex with my husband has at best been adequate with the occasional 'fabby-dabby-mind-blowing' moments, at worst 'roll on roll off' or non-existant. As you can imagine throwing yourself back into an intimate sexual relationship with him hasn't been easy after my affair and his dire lack of sexual-communication skills, arousal, libido and fantasies make it very hard for me to contemplate this. It has always been the case, for many years, but since with my lover I shared THE most amazing sexual chemistry, THE most intimate love-making, THE most 'kinky' (if thats the word that it is - I prefer adventurous - if it feels-good-do-it!) sex I have ever experienced and everything that I have on offer now feels flat and empty and 'beige'.............

Now I am an experienced woman (with more tricks up my sleeve now than I have ever had before) and I know that if the moment came about I could blow hubbys socks off and leave them steaming 20 feet away! But I don't have the desire for him and he sadly hasn't seemed interested in resuming sexual contact with me so its not as if I have had to be fighting him off. It has now been over 15 months since I was last with my lover and in the ensuing months hubby and I have had fumblings, half hearted attempts at 'getting it on'. Two lead to brief penetrative encounters, one hand job (which he complimented) and one rather horny wine-induced advance from me which lead to a premature end on his part and a bewildered me.

I asked him one evening while cooking family dinner and he was rummaging around for a snack in the fridge what had happened to us, where was the passion? His reply shocked me. We have got old he said....Noooo I cried! YOU have got old not me!

I am not ready to do the coco and a good book at bed time yet, I don't want to think I will never have passion and lust and adventure again..... I have told him that at some point we have to get this sorted, we have to try and get ourselves back on track because I am not prepared to live the rest of my life sexless......I'm still young and passionate and longing.....

I have not had sex now for around 9 months..... this has been driving me crazy! (I have shares in Duracell and bulk buy!) but imagine how surprised I was to discover that with my wonderful new pills comes a bit of a dive in my sex drive, over the last 4 weeks it hasn't crossed my mind half as much, in fact a week or so ago I sort of 'made myself' think about it just to see if I was in working order still..... I am....just about..... I have been known to 'indulge' myself as many as 4 times in a day (when the stimulus was there of course..... *embarrassed smile*)

This last weekor two hubby has started to be a little more attentive, a cuddle in bed, a little touching and stroking my skin, tiny signs that he has taken on board what I have said, I am grateful for his attempt but am left unmoved. The caresses and intimacy I have so longed for make me numb, I feel a 'shutdown' of my senses as I lay waiting to see what he may want from me and for once I lay relieved when it leads to nothing more than warmth beside me.....

Numb Days and Smiley Faces

It is now 4 weeks since I went to see the Doctor and was put back on my 'happy' pills...not my proudest moment but a necessary one and in the passing days I have pondered several things.

Is this how my life is going to be from now on? An ongoing up and down where I am relishing the times I can enjoy and waiting for the next bout of darkness to creep upon me? Am I going to be cured? So I can move forward with my life and eventually look back at these nasty periods of 'depression' as one might look back on an embarrassing infection?

There is certainly a stigma that comes with the word 'depression', you suddenly are considered less than stable or maybe a bit melo-dramatic. People remind you that you have nothing to be depressed about and you should look forward and be positive. It is a dark, misunderstood and simplified term for what can be a totally debilitating condition.

I am doing alright on my new pills. One of the side effects is changes in sleeping patterns. The first few nights I slept badly, well I didnt sleep much at all! This has now settled and I found myself craving sleep early in the evening, sleeping deeply and waking slowly and very groggily. I am able to put up the facade again and some days I even manage to convince myself I am feeling bright and positive.

But I have discovered it is a very fine line I am treading and it only takes a fairly minor thing to tilt me into an achey heart, tear filled eyes and that awful sadness that I will never feel alive again.

I have this past weekend been away with my husband, to friends up north, to a party that was funfilled and lively and I have had a lovely time. Hubby and I are being kinder to each other, gentler and more affectionate, it feels calmer. But it has a strange discomfort about it, I want to love him, I want to be able to fancy him again, I want to have the urge to throw myself into a new type of relationship with him.

So why is it that there is still this deep hole in the middle of my chest that threatens to tear apart so painfully if I allow my head or my heart to dwell on any thought of the dream I once allowed myself to believe........