Sunday, 29 May 2011

The Shifting Sands

Something has changed, a little something died, a small alteration in the dynamics of love. And its sad.
I am sure it has and does happen to many. Its happened to my marriage. It's happened to the relationships of friends. It's happened I'm sure to K's marriage.
Something shifts and alters and is never quite the same again.

Except I never imagined it would happen to us. To me and K, yet it has, at least for me.

When we met and fell in love it felt so real, like it was meant to be, so completely pure and honest. Which of course sounds mad when it was an extra-marital affair tangled with all the deceit and secrecy that liaisons like that are reknowned for. And yet it felt perfect.

We both knew the dangers, the risks, the reality and yet it was so sure and strong and all-enveloping that 'Us' felt the reality and the rest of our worlds felt like extras on a film set. He promised not to break my heart, he promised to take the best care of it.

We both fell apart and my heart plummeted and shattered into a million pieces and now glued back together it has a few more scars on there to add to the ones from my youth, weaving intricate patterns over its damaged surface.

Once again K and I are embroiled in our love. I'm not sure what has changed for him in the almost 2 years we were apart but whatever it was he now seems to have decided he can still see me, meet me, love me, make love to me.
Our situations are very different, he is still determined to keep his marriage and family intact.(as you can imagine I have many opinions on that but it is not my business how he conducts his marriage so I don't voice them)
For my part my marriage is still the shambles it has been for a long while, before K ever came on the scene and I stay out of duty and ease. I think its the same for my husband, I am not totally sure he loves me any longer either but we plod along.

But what I have noticed for me are barriers, something I had never felt I needed with K before, I need a 'bullshit' filter. As yet it hasn't caught anything lol, but I'm very aware its there.
I read his words to me and I love them! They are the highlights of my days....but I am also extremely aware I read them on several levels, as a lover, as a once-discarded other-woman and as a realist. I read them with love, but also cynicism and suspicion. I sometimes feel myself being drawn into and sucked up by all the wonder of our love.....and then find myself rigid, heels dug in fiercely, rope around the waist....anything to stop me spiraling into the depths of it and losing myself again.

Perhaps this is a healthier and safer way to be in love. But somehow it feels a sad way, once you have experienced the naive unconditional feeling of that first madness of being in love....but hey...I am still enjoying the wondrous sensations and the day that stops I will have to armour myself against the excruciating pain once more   

Friday, 13 May 2011

Damn you Disney

I haven't blogged for such a long time again, so many thoughts, feelings, emotions, concerns all whirling in this damn head of mine and yet for some odd reason I have felt unable or unwilling to expose them to the scrutiny of the World Wide Weird.

I miss my Mum on a daily basis. Although my home life is calm I have given up hoping that things will become what I once dreamed of and we mooch along and live our funny old lives occasionally being vaguely 'coupley' but never intimate. I am busy and still enjoying work and am getting satisfaction from the role I now do. I have my annual girlie holiday coming up in 4 weeks and despite still being a heifer and failing miserably in motivating myself to lose weight I am looking forward to it. I have used some of the money my Mum left me to make some improvements to my home and have a nest egg for a rainy day for the first time in a very long while. And K and I have re-established a relationship of sorts which has once again become physical and includes daily contact and many 'I love yous' 

This last development has brought much pleasure, joy, laughter, giggles and grins to my world. It once again creates heart-fluttering moments and butterflies. It means chatter and friendship, fluffy flossy loved up bits and of course the inevitable questioning in the "are you truly a mad masochistic self loathing nutter who is willing to risk her heart and sanity once again???" sort of vein.

Some days I want to accuse him of being selfish, a bastard that only thinks of himself and his own satisfaction needs and happiness. But he isn't. Not truly. He always appears to be very concerned with my thoughts and feelings and whether I am happy. And yet even typing that the thought popped into my head that maybe he does that so I think he isn't a selfish bastard that is only concerned for himself. But he is not the sort of man that is like that.....he doesn't fit the character profile....and although I guess all mistresses (for thats what I am) say that, anyone who knows K in real life would agree I'm sure LOL

I feel doubt for the first time ever between us, I see us for what we are. We're changing....and I hate it. I used to be so sure of us.

When we first met he was unhappy at home. He had unsatisfactory 'high day and holiday sex' with wife. He was sure he wasn't in love with her. Now he tells me he is happy at home. That sex is infrequent but I assume ok. He now does say he loves her. So what I am for? Ego? The excitement? The danger of being caught? The drama of it all? I just don't know......

He tells me he adores me, he says he wishes he'd met me earlier in his life. He tells me I am his best friend. He tells me he missed me so and that although he knows he can live without me - indeed he did for almost 2 years (I have resisted pointing out to him that email and text contact throughout those almost 2 years hardly equates to living without someone. I certainly don't consider my life was lived 'without' him during that time we were 'over') he doesn't want to lose me from his life. But I also know, and he has always been very clear on this, that he cannot and will not break up his family. In truth, whereas I once would have sacrificed everything for a chance to be with him, even if he was free now I wouldn't leave my home city in haste. I think the only thing I wish we could have had  was/is a chance to have seen whether in 'real-life' we could have been something. Does that make sense?

I have made a point on several occasions of saying to him my favourite line, said to friends who find themselves in dubious situations...."Don't risk what you are not willing to lose".......And yet still here he still is, here we both are, embarked once again on an extra-marital affair. 

At times I feel all sensible and think end it, stop it, finish it. But we tried that. We've been there and got the tear stained tshirt. We weren't very good at that and I don't think it would be different this time. And if I did what would I have then? An empty marriage, no lover, no sex life and would have lost someone I enjoy having contact with....

At other times I feel more fatalistic. I am in a very odd situation anyway, my marriage is very damaged,disjointed and feel irreparable . It may not survive whether I see K or not. He is risking far more than I am, it is he who is living the lie not me. If he is willing to risk all that he tells me he holds so dear, surely that's his concern not mine.

And then there are moments when I think, give yourself a break, enjoy it for what it is, take what is on offer and indulge yourself. Don't involve yourself with his world or lies or risk taking.

So why is it sometimes I am filled with doubt and feel so sad?
Aren't we just both selfish and eating our cake so to speak? Is it because in my nature I long to be given and give my very all, I long to have someone who is the centre of my world and I am theirs? Have I grown up reading too many fairy stories with happy endings? Life really isn't like Disney.......