Sunday, 29 May 2011

The Shifting Sands

Something has changed, a little something died, a small alteration in the dynamics of love. And its sad.
I am sure it has and does happen to many. Its happened to my marriage. It's happened to the relationships of friends. It's happened I'm sure to K's marriage.
Something shifts and alters and is never quite the same again.

Except I never imagined it would happen to us. To me and K, yet it has, at least for me.

When we met and fell in love it felt so real, like it was meant to be, so completely pure and honest. Which of course sounds mad when it was an extra-marital affair tangled with all the deceit and secrecy that liaisons like that are reknowned for. And yet it felt perfect.

We both knew the dangers, the risks, the reality and yet it was so sure and strong and all-enveloping that 'Us' felt the reality and the rest of our worlds felt like extras on a film set. He promised not to break my heart, he promised to take the best care of it.

We both fell apart and my heart plummeted and shattered into a million pieces and now glued back together it has a few more scars on there to add to the ones from my youth, weaving intricate patterns over its damaged surface.

Once again K and I are embroiled in our love. I'm not sure what has changed for him in the almost 2 years we were apart but whatever it was he now seems to have decided he can still see me, meet me, love me, make love to me.
Our situations are very different, he is still determined to keep his marriage and family intact.(as you can imagine I have many opinions on that but it is not my business how he conducts his marriage so I don't voice them)
For my part my marriage is still the shambles it has been for a long while, before K ever came on the scene and I stay out of duty and ease. I think its the same for my husband, I am not totally sure he loves me any longer either but we plod along.

But what I have noticed for me are barriers, something I had never felt I needed with K before, I need a 'bullshit' filter. As yet it hasn't caught anything lol, but I'm very aware its there.
I read his words to me and I love them! They are the highlights of my days....but I am also extremely aware I read them on several levels, as a lover, as a once-discarded other-woman and as a realist. I read them with love, but also cynicism and suspicion. I sometimes feel myself being drawn into and sucked up by all the wonder of our love.....and then find myself rigid, heels dug in fiercely, rope around the waist....anything to stop me spiraling into the depths of it and losing myself again.

Perhaps this is a healthier and safer way to be in love. But somehow it feels a sad way, once you have experienced the naive unconditional feeling of that first madness of being in love....but hey...I am still enjoying the wondrous sensations and the day that stops I will have to armour myself against the excruciating pain once more   

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