Saturday, 23 October 2010

What Do You See?

This poem was found in the bedside locker on a ward at one of our local hospitals when it was being cleared out after the death of an elderly patient. It was published in the daily newspaper a number of years ago and for some reason my father kept the cutting. He showed me it this weekend and it struck a special cord as I have so recently lost my own Mum in the very same hospital.

It makes poignant reading........

What do you think you see nurses, what do you think you see?
What are you thinking when you are looking at me?
A crabbit old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far away eyes,
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice “I do wish you’d try”
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe,
Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill,
Is that what you’re thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes nurse, you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I move at your bidding, as I eat at your will,
I’m a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters who love one another,
A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming now soon that a lover she’ll meet;
A bride soon at twenty my heart skips a beat,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep,
At twenty-five now I have young of my own,
Who need me to build a secure, happy home;
 A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last,
At forty my young sons, now grown, shall be gone,
But my man stays beside me to see I don’t mourn.
At fifty once more babies play round my knees,
Again we know children, my loved one and me,
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look to the future, I shudder with dread,
My young are all busy rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love I have known.
I’m an old woman now and nature is cruel,
‘Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool,
The body it crumbles, grace and vigour depart.
There is now a stone where once was a heart.

But inside this old body a young girl still dwells
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I’m loving and living all over again.
And I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast
And accept the stark fact that nothing will last.

So open your eyes nurse, open and see,
Not a crabbit old woman, look closer – see me!

Saturday, 16 October 2010

RIP MY Darling Migglets

My Mummy finally lost her fight at 12.40 yesterday lunchtime. I was with her...alone....which was a little scary and bizarre and surreal, but ultimately I wouldn't have had it any other way. I had the honour of spending the last moments of her life with her and being able to tell her between sobs, how much she was loved and admired, I thanked her for being a warm and wonderful Mum and Nana to my girls, I was able to tell her it was ok to let go, that she wasn't alone and that there would be peace......

I shall miss her with all my heart but am relieved that she has no more suffering to endure. She was ceaselessly bright and cheerful despite many years of ill health, she always, what my Dad refers to as, 'took care of herself'. He meant she always made the effort with a little make-up and never failed to emerge with her pearls and earrings in place......she was a lady.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

My Silence

My darling Mummy is extremely ill. We were warned to expect the worse this last weekend but it seems she is still fighting....
I am exhausted and emotional and trying to be brave for everyone.
I read all your blogs when I get a moment to catch up and lose myself in your words, funnies and antics. I just can't write any of my own at the moment. Part of me wants to rant and rave into the page ...... but I just can't.

Keep writing guys, they are my moments escape from what is going on here.....and I shall be back when I can..