Sunday, 16 January 2011

The Missing Piece

I perhaps feel that when I first joined here all my words were anonymous, ramblings and rants, cathartic mind clearings, gentle unravelling of thought processes. I reposted all my old MySpace blogs and I've written about my life, my loves, my desires, my disappointments. My blogs have told the story of my 'sad' marriage, explained my discovery of Femdom through the reign of my glorious love-affair and acted as therapy during the eventual heart break of recovering from that. 

But as you get regular readers it becomes less anonymous, less venting into the void and although many comments bring support, advise, words of wisdom and insight, some can feel critical and judgemental. 

The adult site I am a member of and used to blog on also lost its feeling of anonymity and I found I lost the ability to open up and let the words flow....I also felt I lost my ‘Tormentress’ mojo. I stopped posting in the forum there, I stopped reading the posts, I avoided the blogs of others, I stomped around their chatroom still a little but felt I had lost the essence of being the dominant woman I had discovered. 

It was in the middle of last year that 2 very important things happened. Firstly I met up with 'K' again, a gorgeous summer’s afternoon spent picnicking and sitting on a blanket in our country park. The most significant part of that meeting was the admission by him that his love for me hadn’t altered, it hadn’t gone away, it still remained and felt as intense as it had done 20 months earlier when we had parted. 

Now this was a bit of a shock for me,Rolling Eyes I had been working hard on being the ‘friendly-ex-who-could-maintain-casual-contact’. It thrilled me, it terrified me, it comforted me. 
He loved me YAY! 
Oh fuck he loved me!!! 
Awww he DID love me, I wasn’t mad to still feel it myself!

But of course along with that came all sorts of other emotions. Where did we go from here? I simply didn't dare begin to examine what was going on in my head and heart in case I just couldn't get the lid on it all again! 

Later that month my Mum suffered heart failure and had her pacemaker fitted. As I previously wrote she never fully recovered and when I met up with 'K' again at the start of October I sobbed to him that I was so afraid that I would lose her before Christmas, that I knew she was dying and how scared I was. My beautiful Mummy was admitted back in hospital a mere 4 days later and suffered a horrendous stroke 3 days after that. I leaned on ‘K’ heavily. 

I always wrote that he was my dearest friend as well as my lover and submissive and if anything put that friendship to the test, it was then. He was simply wonderful. He held my hand from afar, messages of comfort and support, an ear to rant into when the world felt unjust, words of love and gentle guidance when I felt alone. I can never thank him enough for the time he held me across the miles through Mums last days and over the time of her funeral….. 

But although all this time I had so many emotions and thoughts raging through me I found I simply couldn't face putting words onto a page. Everything seemed too huge, too painful, too dangerous, like a split bean-bag, it would stay intact if left alone but if you moved it you were likely to end up with its guts bursting over the entire space...... 

After the funeral I let go of his hand, I needed him to know that although I was eternally grateful for his care of me when I needed it he was free to turn away once more if he needed to. He hasn’t done. We have maintained wonderful daily contact, we have laughter and chatter and gossipy giggles on the phone! We both have wonderful new fancy-pants phones that mean we can keep in contact by email, text, chat, skype, carrier pigeon…..any number of mediums! And tentatively we have explored what was always utterly wonderful D/s play. 

Now I am not sure where quite this leads us or where it will end up. I do know that I am in a very different place than before, but I don’t need to dissect and examine any of what is still us…not just yet at least. he tells me he simply stopped feeling angry at himself for loving me, at me for loving him. Our future is uncertain and imperfect but we know that we still want each other in our his words he is "pretty sure our journeys lie on parallel tracks" only time will tell, after all we have forever.....don't we? 

What I will say is that I had (almost) forgotten how consuming, intense, mind-melting and intimate play can be, even remotely performed for each other. I feel like I have found my missing piece, and I shall do whatever it takes to keep that piece safe and protected, I don’t intend losing it again….