Sunday, 9 August 2009

Written on a sunny sunday......

I haven't blogged for a very long time. Not here, not anywhere and I am not sure of the reasons for that. I think I was perhaps a little 'blogged out'.... I certainly have had so many, many things whirring round my wee head so its certainly not for lack of thoughts or emotions.

But perhaps after trying exposure as part of the healing process I needed to look internally, keep some things inside my head and heart and deal with them differently.

And now I am here, my fingers tapping out the words onto my screen, I am not quite sure of what to
write or where to begin. Its a few weeks now since I returned home from my holiday and my life has plodded, with one or two encounters I may share....

I'll start at the marriage.

Since my lover and I ended back in November last year I have been a mess, I know that for many months I clung to the hope that he would suddenly realise what a terrible mistake he had made, that he still loved me as desperately as I felt I loved him, that he was willing to go through the devastation just to be with me ...because I really did need to feel and believe that what I thought we had shared was real.

Once the hope began to fade it was a resigned 'if it's meant to be, it will be' mentality that I got through each day with, but I became aware that I was holding back, sunconsciously keeping myself distant from my husband incase my warmth or interest in him led him to believe that things were now ok, normal service resumed and I was over stuff.

I underestimated his knowledge of me. He is an odd man my husband, he has no idea how to show is emotions, he is what I cruelly describe as 'emotionally retarded', he can neither voice nor express what he is feeling or thinking.

This has always been an issue for me, I have always found it frustrating and confusing that I am left in this wilderness of not knowing or understanding him, that communication and expression have always been so difficult between us. But it appears he knows me well enough to see that I am still not fully healed from my affair, still pine for what I had, still grieve for what I lost.

What I think is slightly different for me now, with the passing of a little more time, is that I now recognise that the man I fell in love with and risked my marriage for now no longer exists. The man now that has pushed me so far out of his life in order to restore and rebuild his own marriage is not the man that I lost my heart and mind over and who made me believe that we could have this amazing relationship like no other we had ever experienced. He is no more.
He told me many months ago that "I have had to let my love for you go, if I am to attempt to rebuild my marriage I have HAD to"

That one line has been a thorn in my side ever since. If it was true love how can it be let go? How I wish that I too could 'let my love' for him go! How I wish he didn't cross my mind and invade my thoughts every day. And I mean EVERY day, several times a day! How I long for a day when I close my eyes at night without having seen a hundred things that remind me of him and ached to make contact with him........fuck how different a man's mind heart and world must be if he can have just 'let his love go'!

Of course the cynic in me thinks....well he obviously never loved me and thats a thought that causes me almost as much pain, so I let that one pass quickly and don't dwell on the whys and wherefores of that one.

The other thing is that its ok to let my husband in, I don't have to keep him at arms length afraid that he will see any connection between us as being a guarantee of a future, another 22 years together. I sit with him and go out with him, I cook for him and join him watching television, we have watched films side by side and we have had sex.

I say' had sex' as opposed to 'make love' because sadly I am still terribly detached. I don't desire this man, sex has not been amazing between us for many years. It was never truly stunning but it was good, but that died for us a long time ago. I know there are things I can say, do and suggest that maybe, and I say maybe because I am not absolutely sure, make things better for both of us. But you have to WANT it, you have to LOVE them or at least FANCY them to have that inner desire to introduce and explore and learn again with each other and sadly I am not at that place yet, perhaps I never will be, but I know I am not there yet.

Another thing this sorry 'episode' in my life has made me is cynical. I have not always been but had become trusting and open, honest about who and what I am whether in person or here online. I have discovered I have become hard and detached, I am guarded and untrusting, I question and discard in a way I never used to.

I am the person I am because of all my lifes experiences, I am just getting used to being the one that this experience has made me.......

I have had lots of other happenings in my world, most of which seem insignificant with the passing days and some that will perhaps shape the person I will become in the future..... we will see with the telling....